I have a confession.

I cry.


I know they say that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe them, whoever “they” are.

Rinse and Repeat and Repeat and Repeat

I repeat the eulogy that I said at my dads funeral every single day and every single day I cry about it.

Every single day.

I have it memorized down to each word. When I start saying it in my head I try to make myself stop. Sometimes I stop after the first few sentences but I always start it over again, always. No matter how hard I try to stop I always say it to the very end. That’s the hardest part, the end.

I don’t know why I do it to myself.

Yesterday morning while I was taking a shower I started it, “My dad wore Levi jeans….”. By the time I had washed, rinsed and repeated, I had finished the eulogy and was reduce to a sobbing mess.

Not For Me

I never missed him while he was here. I took for granted the good times that I had with him and I never had the desire to see him, ever. Two years before he took his life  his sister died suddenly. Her funeral was the last time I ever saw him.

I didn’t even make eye contact with him that day.

The truth is, I wouldn’t do anything differently if he was here today.

He wasn’t good.
He wasn’t honest.
He wasn’t loyal.
He didn’t know how to be a good father to me or my siblings.

I hold that grudge, not for me but for my little 13 year old sister. She’s only 13.  She’s just a little girl and her daddy took his life. I can’t seem to forgive him for that but I can’t help but to be completely heartbroken for him either

Two Little Girls

My oldest daughter is 12 and has two dads, her daddy and her step-daddy. Both men would lay their lives down for her. Both men adore her and remind her daily how much worth she holds. They help her with her homework, they hang out with her, they tell her every day how much they love her.

How is that fair to my sister?

I don’t want to take a single thing away from my daughter and I want to give everything to my sister at the same time. I want my daughter to know how blessed she is and I want to show my sister  how much worth she holds.  She is more than precious jewels, they both are.

God’s Plan

I used to wonder if my dad thought about me, my sister and our three brothers right before he took his own life. Now I don’t care if he didn’t think about us at all, instead I pray that he truly knew God and that he was thinking about Him.

I know that when my dad met my Father He didn’t say “well done good and faithful servant, well done” but I know that He did tell my dad that He loved him no matter what and that he was finally home and safe.

My heavenly Father’s heart breaks each time I start the eulogy, He almost can’t make it to the end. He wants me to stop and not start over like I always do. He can’t stand to hear me say it. It’s simply not His plan for me.

I know that God has a plan, a plan for me, for you, for everyone. He had a plan for my dad and He has one for my little sister. I also know that it is not in His plan for me to torture myself with guilt, grudges or that eulogy, those are earthly things and not of His kingdom.

Are you repeating the eulogy every day in an effort to torture yourself with the guilt and to hold on to the grudge?

It’s not what our Father wants for you. He loves you with a passion that we can’t put to words. His plan for you far exceeds anything that we could ever write for ourselves. He wants you to let it go and stop repeating it.

He doesn’t want your heart to be broken. He doesn’t want to watch you cry. He doesn’t want to hear the eulogy.

All we can do is pray that He takes it away. All we can do is pray that maybe “they” are right and that time heals all wounds. And then we just need to give it over to God and have faith in His plan.

Let’s Pray

Merciful Father please take it away. I’m only human and I don’t know how to let it go. I am weak but You are strong so take the weight of it off of my shoulders and carry it for me. I can’t do it anymore. Next time you hear me say “My dad wore Levi jean…” fill my head with thoughts of Your glory and fill my heart with your mercy and grace. Remind me that some how, in some way, it’s all part of your plan. In Jesus name, amen.

My little sister is hilarious and highly inappropriate at all the wrong times. She has a smart mouth and quick whit. She changes her hair color more than she changes her clothes. She has her own sense of style and it is completely off the wall. She can make me laugh with a simple glance and she knows what I’m going to say before I even open my mouth. She can out talk the most clever of people. All of that makes me completely in love with her and scared to death at the same time. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror.

Family Scars

World War 3

Way back in my other life I spent about 90% of my time with two of my cousins. We did everything together. We were the three amigos.

When were were in our early twenties we spent much of our time doing whatever we wanted.

One wild night after a little too much drinking we went back to my apartment to hang out and hopefully pass out. Somehow a fight ensued.

When I say a fight I mean a knock down drag out fight.

I won’t name names or say who did what to who but at one point there was a bic pen shoved on someones leg, a bottled throw in someones face, someone got choked, someone got slapped and someone got their face smash on to the concrete in the parking lot.

Yes, it was only the three of us involved.

The night ended with our aunt driving 45 minutes to pick on of us up and the other two finally hitting the pillow and passing out.

Talk It Out

Early the next morning the phones started ringing. We mostly wanted a recount of what exactly happened the night before and to figure out why we were so mad in the first place. It turns out that one of us said something to the other to express their feelings and the one on the receiving end took it the wrong way. All out war followed.

But we are family. We love each other and just because we had one disagreement we were not going to throw our love for each other away. We sat down and talked it out. We laughed in the end at how out of hand we got but we all apologized, accepted apologizes and moved on. We would have never cut each other out of each others life over a disagreements, never.

Just Not Worth It

Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, give or accept an apology and move on so that you don’t lose someone who is important to you. Life is just too short to hold a grudge or refuse an apology. It’s not worth it. You might wake up one day and not have the opportunity to forgive or accept someones forgiveness. I is it really worth it to be right?

We also need to set an example to the little eyes that look up to us.

Your Family’s Not Perfect, Never Will Be

We are all flawed, we are all a mess and if your pretending that your family is perfect then take a rest, you must be exhausted!

It’s okay if your aunt drives you crazy, that your husband doesn’t pamper your ever need, that your kids don’t make perfect grades, that you sister always tells you what you need to do or that you your ex doesn’t parent exactly the way you want them to.

The beauty of it is that you are family, the family that God designed. It’s okay to be frustrated and it’s okay to forgive and most importantly it is okay to ask for forgiveness.

However, it is not okay to stab your cousin in the leg with a bic pen.

Let’s Pray

Merciful Father thank you for giving us the ability to forgive. Thank you for the families that you so carefully designed for us, weather they be by blood or in our hearts. Teach us how to set our pride down and pick up forgiveness. Even though you have created all of us and the families that we have, none of us are perfect and we all fall short of your glory. Help us to see beyond ourselves. When we have our backs turn to our family to prove a point, gently take us by our shoulders and turn us back to them. In Jesus name, amen.”

I have a very small scar on my left thigh. It’s about the size of a bic pen. It is a sweet reminder of how far my cousins and I have come and how much we have grown. Oddly enough I do not regret that night. I have come to appreciate the scars that life has given me and the things that they have taught me. I pray that one day I can forgive everyone that has created the scars within me and that the people that I have left scars on can one day forgive me.

Free Shampoo!

Warning. This post just may be me going off and getting stuff off of my chest because I need to . It may have absolutely no meaning or value to anyone. I really try to make a point with each post but this just isn’t one of them. Humor me.
We stayed at a hotel last week. It was extremely nice and three hours away from our city so we considered it a fairly nice vacation. When we got there we parked our car in the parking garage and hauled our stuff up to the top floor. I was so excited just to be away from work and home duties. The hotel was amazing and I took it all in, from the garage to our door. I slowly put the credit card looking key in the door and the light went from red to green. We were in! When I opened the door I saw the king sized bed, flat screen tv, patio and the bathroom directly to my right as I entered. I took two steps into the room and tears started flooding out of me. I had no control over it. When I turned around my mother was in shock. She put her arms around me and ask what could possible be wrong. I had not been in a hotel room since my father took his life in one 7 months ago. I hadn’t given it a single thought, not from the garage to the door, until I step inside and saw the bathroom. It completely took me over. I was sobbing. I wasn’t crying for him, I was crying for the cleaning lady that walked in to the room and found him that way. I swear God put me in her shoes to show this whole thing to me in another light. I literally felt her when I walked in the room. I slowly turned my head towards the bathroom and pictured my father sitting there. As he was preparing himself for what he was about to do did he give this woman a second thought. Did he think about what this woman was going to have to live with and picture in her head for the rest of her life. It makes me so angry. This poor woman walked in to the room to clean it and now has to live with what he looked like. I have spent months trying to visualize what he looked like in that room. I have gathered every detail that I possibly could so that I could know exactly what that room looked like. This woman will spend the rest of her life trying to get the picture out of her head, the picture that I have been so desperate to see. What the heck is wrong with me!!I I have wanted to go to the hotel and talk to her for a while now but it seems inappropriate. I pray for her. I wonder if she is in therapy or if this is something that happens to them often. I imagine that many people commit suicide in hotels but I have never thought about the people that find them. While we were there I thought about what he did leading up to the moment that he took his life. Did he take a shower? What would be the point right. Did he eat? Again, what would be the point. Did he put the “Do Not Disturb Sign” out? Since he took his life I have struggled with where he is now. There are seven recorded suicides in the bible. The one he relates to the most is Saul. Saul begged his armourbearer to thrust his sword through him but the armourbearer wouldn’t do it out of fear. So what did Saul do in his desperation, he fell on his own sword. He did it right in front of his faithful armourbearer. Talk about a jerk! I guess in Saul’s defense he was being sought after to be killed and his three sons had been killed that same day. Still, Saul was desperate. He didn’t think about the affect that his suicide would have on his faithful armourbearer. His armourbearer was so distraught that he too killed himself. Two suicides in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t crazy about Saul to begin with but now I really hate him. Saul should have faced the things that he brought on himself, the things that he created. My father couldn’t face the things that he brought on himself and he did not think of the effects that his suicide was going to have on the ones that he left behind. Did he think about his little girl? Not me, I know that he didn’t think about me. Did he think about my little sister. Did he think about my little brothers? Did he think about that poor woman working her tail off to make ends meet and what would happen to her when she walked in to that room and had to face what he had done? Ok, I’m going off here but I’m just now getting fired up so brace yourself. I know that someone who takes their own life has to be in a place that I will never understand. I do have sympathy and compassion for people who suffer from depression or any other disease that might lead them to such an act. For some reason it is easier for me to have compassion for everyone else and hard to have it for my father. I wish that my father knew that what he did was going to effect me simply walking in to a hotel room. Some days I just want to punch him in the face, hard! Some days I want to snuggle up to him and show him that there really is someone who loves him. Today I want to do both. Yes, both. I want him to know that I love him and that I hate him at the same time. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever wanted to spit on someone and kiss them at the same time. I have and my dad isn’t the only one that I have felt this way about. I have heard people say over and over “it’s never too late” but guess what…they are wrong. WRONG! It can be too late. Trust me on this one. The day that my brother called to let me know that my father took his life is the day that I learned that there is a “too late”. Do not let “too late” pass you by. Do not miss a chance to forgive, love, show grace, show mercy and move on. What is it going to do to you to show someone that has hurt you a little mercy and forgiveness? I can tell you what its going to do, its going to free you. Don’t miss out on that. Don’t let “never too late” become your “too late”. Lets pray ” Merciful Father heal our hearts from the hurts that we have faced so that we can find forgiveness for others and ourselves. Remind us that one day You will take the ones we love to love in Your kingdom and even though we will be with them again someday, our hearts will still hurt for them here on earth. Please help us to make our “never too lates” not turn in to “too lates”. In Jesus name, amen”. While I was in that hotel I slept like a baby and the “free” shampoo, conditioner, sewing set and shower cap that found their way in to my luggage helped ease the hurt of father.