I have a confession.
I know they say that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe them, whoever “they” are.
Rinse and Repeat and Repeat and Repeat
I repeat the eulogy that I said at my dads funeral every single day and every single day I cry about it.
Every single day.
I have it memorized down to each word. When I start saying it in my head I try to make myself stop. Sometimes I stop after the first few sentences but I always start it over again, always. No matter how hard I try to stop I always say it to the very end. That’s the hardest part, the end.
I don’t know why I do it to myself.
Yesterday morning while I was taking a shower I started it, “My dad wore Levi jeans….”. By the time I had washed, rinsed and repeated, I had finished the eulogy and was reduce to a sobbing mess.
Not For Me
I never missed him while he was here. I took for granted the good times that I had with him and I never had the desire to see him, ever. Two years before he took his life his sister died suddenly. Her funeral was the last time I ever saw him.
I didn’t even make eye contact with him that day.
The truth is, I wouldn’t do anything differently if he was here today.
He wasn’t good.
He wasn’t honest.
He wasn’t loyal.
He didn’t know how to be a good father to me or my siblings.
I hold that grudge, not for me but for my little 13 year old sister. She’s only 13. She’s just a little girl and her daddy took his life. I can’t seem to forgive him for that but I can’t help but to be completely heartbroken for him either
Two Little Girls
My oldest daughter is 12 and has two dads, her daddy and her step-daddy. Both men would lay their lives down for her. Both men adore her and remind her daily how much worth she holds. They help her with her homework, they hang out with her, they tell her every day how much they love her.
How is that fair to my sister?
I don’t want to take a single thing away from my daughter and I want to give everything to my sister at the same time. I want my daughter to know how blessed she is and I want to show my sister how much worth she holds. She is more than precious jewels, they both are.
I used to wonder if my dad thought about me, my sister and our three brothers right before he took his own life. Now I don’t care if he didn’t think about us at all, instead I pray that he truly knew God and that he was thinking about Him.
I know that when my dad met my Father He didn’t say “well done good and faithful servant, well done” but I know that He did tell my dad that He loved him no matter what and that he was finally home and safe.
My heavenly Father’s heart breaks each time I start the eulogy, He almost can’t make it to the end. He wants me to stop and not start over like I always do. He can’t stand to hear me say it. It’s simply not His plan for me.
I know that God has a plan, a plan for me, for you, for everyone. He had a plan for my dad and He has one for my little sister. I also know that it is not in His plan for me to torture myself with guilt, grudges or that eulogy, those are earthly things and not of His kingdom.
Are you repeating the eulogy every day in an effort to torture yourself with the guilt and to hold on to the grudge?
It’s not what our Father wants for you. He loves you with a passion that we can’t put to words. His plan for you far exceeds anything that we could ever write for ourselves. He wants you to let it go and stop repeating it.
He doesn’t want your heart to be broken. He doesn’t want to watch you cry. He doesn’t want to hear the eulogy.
All we can do is pray that He takes it away. All we can do is pray that maybe “they” are right and that time heals all wounds. And then we just need to give it over to God and have faith in His plan.
Merciful Father please take it away. I’m only human and I don’t know how to let it go. I am weak but You are strong so take the weight of it off of my shoulders and carry it for me. I can’t do it anymore. Next time you hear me say “My dad wore Levi jean…” fill my head with thoughts of Your glory and fill my heart with your mercy and grace. Remind me that some how, in some way, it’s all part of your plan. In Jesus name, amen.
My little sister is hilarious and highly inappropriate at all the wrong times. She has a smart mouth and quick whit. She changes her hair color more than she changes her clothes. She has her own sense of style and it is completely off the wall. She can make me laugh with a simple glance and she knows what I’m going to say before I even open my mouth. She can out talk the most clever of people. All of that makes me completely in love with her and scared to death at the same time. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror.