My favorite Cyber Monday deal EVER!

I love a good deal and I love it even more if I can snag it from the comfort of my couch. I’m a lover of online shopping, mostly because no one wants to see me at the store in my pajamas.

My favorite Cyber Monday deal this year is….

MY BOOK!!

You can preorder The Con Man’s Daughter today for only $8.92 and it will auto ship to you in May when it is released.

This is my heart and soul.
This is my how God takes all the broken pieces and makes beautiful stained glass.
This is my redemption song.

Click here to order one or ten 😉

Thank you for all the support and love.

The Con Man’s Daughter.

 

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A big thanks to Primary Graffiti

I want to thank Primary Graffiti for featuring me on one of their stories. Thank you for the acknowledgment and for the tweet! Head on over , check them out and follow them on twitter at @PrimaryGraffiti.

Here’s the link to their story page.

Primary Graffiti

 

 

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Time

I have a confession.

I cry.

Often.

I know they say that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe them, whoever “they” are.

Rinse and Repeat and Repeat and Repeat

I repeat the eulogy that I said at my dads funeral every single day and every single day I cry about it.

Every single day.

I have it memorized down to each word. When I start saying it in my head I try to make myself stop. Sometimes I stop after the first few sentences but I always start it over again, always. No matter how hard I try to stop I always say it to the very end. That’s the hardest part, the end.

I don’t know why I do it to myself.

Yesterday morning while I was taking a shower I started it, “My dad wore Levi jeans….”. By the time I had washed, rinsed and repeated, I had finished the eulogy and was reduce to a sobbing mess.

Not For Me

I never missed him while he was here. I took for granted the good times that I had with him and I never had the desire to see him, ever. Two years before he took his life  his sister died suddenly. Her funeral was the last time I ever saw him.

I didn’t even make eye contact with him that day.

The truth is, I wouldn’t do anything differently if he was here today.

He wasn’t good.
He wasn’t honest.
He wasn’t loyal.
He didn’t know how to be a good father to me or my siblings.

I hold that grudge, not for me but for my little 13 year old sister. She’s only 13.  She’s just a little girl and her daddy took his life. I can’t seem to forgive him for that but I can’t help but to be completely heartbroken for him either

Two Little Girls

My oldest daughter is 12 and has two dads, her daddy and her step-daddy. Both men would lay their lives down for her. Both men adore her and remind her daily how much worth she holds. They help her with her homework, they hang out with her, they tell her every day how much they love her.

How is that fair to my sister?

I don’t want to take a single thing away from my daughter and I want to give everything to my sister at the same time. I want my daughter to know how blessed she is and I want to show my sister  how much worth she holds.  She is more than precious jewels, they both are.

God’s Plan

I used to wonder if my dad thought about me, my sister and our three brothers right before he took his own life. Now I don’t care if he didn’t think about us at all, instead I pray that he truly knew God and that he was thinking about Him.

I know that when my dad met my Father He didn’t say “well done good and faithful servant, well done” but I know that He did tell my dad that He loved him no matter what and that he was finally home and safe.

My heavenly Father’s heart breaks each time I start the eulogy, He almost can’t make it to the end. He wants me to stop and not start over like I always do. He can’t stand to hear me say it. It’s simply not His plan for me.

I know that God has a plan, a plan for me, for you, for everyone. He had a plan for my dad and He has one for my little sister. I also know that it is not in His plan for me to torture myself with guilt, grudges or that eulogy, those are earthly things and not of His kingdom.

Are you repeating the eulogy every day in an effort to torture yourself with the guilt and to hold on to the grudge?

It’s not what our Father wants for you. He loves you with a passion that we can’t put to words. His plan for you far exceeds anything that we could ever write for ourselves. He wants you to let it go and stop repeating it.

He doesn’t want your heart to be broken. He doesn’t want to watch you cry. He doesn’t want to hear the eulogy.

All we can do is pray that He takes it away. All we can do is pray that maybe “they” are right and that time heals all wounds. And then we just need to give it over to God and have faith in His plan.

Let’s Pray

Merciful Father please take it away. I’m only human and I don’t know how to let it go. I am weak but You are strong so take the weight of it off of my shoulders and carry it for me. I can’t do it anymore. Next time you hear me say “My dad wore Levi jean…” fill my head with thoughts of Your glory and fill my heart with your mercy and grace. Remind me that some how, in some way, it’s all part of your plan. In Jesus name, amen.

My little sister is hilarious and highly inappropriate at all the wrong times. She has a smart mouth and quick whit. She changes her hair color more than she changes her clothes. She has her own sense of style and it is completely off the wall. She can make me laugh with a simple glance and she knows what I’m going to say before I even open my mouth. She can out talk the most clever of people. All of that makes me completely in love with her and scared to death at the same time. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror.

Just Another Monday

My Stressful Day

One Monday I left the house frazzled, irritated and worried. I didn’t have any other choice but to go to work. I was covering another sales reps vacation so I couldn’t call in.

My daughter was very sick and I had a feeling that we would be headed to the emergency room at any moment.

I hurried about my day doing a half hearted job. All I wanted to do was get home. I wanted to snuggle up with my husband and kids and get out of the cold wet weather.

I was mad at the person who had taken the week off, even though they had nothing to do with the stress I was having. I was mad at my husband who had the luxury of staying home with our sick daughter, even though it really wasn’t a luxury and I was mad at myself for being a working mother. Oh the battle of the mother’s mind.

After work I had to run to the store to get medicine and something quick for dinner.

Across Town

A few miles across town my dad was buying a calling card at Target. He had to make a few phone calls before the end of the night and only wanted to use his prepaid phone or maybe he wanted to use the hotel phone to make a long distance call. The walk to Home Depot from Target was uphill and even though he was tired he felt that he had no other choice but to go. By the time he got to Home Depot he was cold and wet. The doors to automatically opened for him and invited him in.

My frustration grew. I went up and down several aisles finding everything that I needed for that night. I hate long lines at the grocery store and I can’t believe people still actually write a check at the cash out. Debt cards people, debit cards! I was about to blow a fuse.

It was raining outside and and the long walk across the parking lot was a burden to me. By the time I got to the car I was cold and wet.

My dad went directly to the aisle that had what he wanted, there was no need to go up and down any other isle. He got what he needed and headed to the check out line. He waited in line for a while with his single item in hand. The long line didn’t bother him, it was only prolonging where he had to go and he was okay with that. He paid and got into a taxi. It was raining and cold and he would have never made it across that highway on his own two feet.

Another Tomorrow

I pulled into the garage and hurried inside. My husband had a fire going in each fireplace and it smelled like Christmas. I was so relieved to be home with my family. I threw the groceries on the kitchen counter and started to unload everything. I decided to put my work day aside and forget about it. I was tired, worn out and had had enough, there’s always tomorrow.

My dad used the credit card looking key to enter his room. He threw the bag from Home Depot on the bed and sat down. He made a list of the things he needed to make sure were taken care and sent a single email to his girlfriend. He was tired, worn out and had had enough, there just couldn’t be a tomorrow.

All the bags were put away and all the kids were fed. Once my family was settled in for the night and everyone was in their beds, I laid down and let the weight of the world exit from my mind.

My dad finished eating while sitting on the hard hotel bed. He took a few last sips of his drink and then emptied the Home Depot bag. He took is purchase, walked into the bathroom and took his life. As he sat down on the cold bathroom floor the weight of the world left his body.

What He Did To Me

I have not been the same since that day. I can’t seem to hold a grudge or be quick to anger. I think that I love everyone, and I mean everyone. I have forgiven any offense against me and I beg for the forgiveness of others for my offenses on them. I no longer have the ability to hate. I no longer have the ability to judge. I can’t leave an argument on the table, I must resolve it. I love in a way that I never thought possible. I have the urge to have more children, several more. I want to love on my husband and kids so much that it smothers them. I want to pull over on the highway and tell the homeless man with the sign just how much I love him.

Most importantly I want to make sure that everyone in my life knows who the son of God is and what He did for them. I want to make sure that they are my brothers and sisters. I want to make sure that they know that Jesus died on the cross for them so that they can live in heaven with our Father. I don’t want to waste another day not knowing.

I can’t risk hating someone. I can’t risk not forgiving someone. I can’t risk not speaking to someone. I can’t risk holding a grudge. I can’t risk missing the chance to say “I love you”. I can’t risk trying to prove a point. I can’t risk a no tomorrow.

I can’t risk thinking that it’s just another Monday.

I know for a fact that when you least expect it you will realize that there is no tomorrow, maybe not for you but for someone in your life.

It’s time.

It’s time to let it go. It’s time to move forward. It’s time to forgive and forget.

It’s not worth holding on to, I promise. I promise.

Let’s Pray

Merciful Father thank you for today and the promise that if our tomorrow does not come that we will live in your kingdom forever praising your great name. Thank you for the blood of your son and what it means for us. God, if there is anyone reading this right now that feels that they can’t let go or forgive, please help them and free them. Please take away the need that they feel to hold on to the hurt and offense. If there is someone reading this that needs to be forgiven please take away their pride and help them to ask for forgiveness. You created us to love each other and nurture each other and we need help in that area these days. When our focus is on being right and proving a point gently take us by the heart and remind us that if your sacrifice and forgiveness knows no boundaries then neither should ours. In Jesus name, amen.

I haven’t been in to a Home Depot since that day and can hardly drive through the parking lot. I fear accidentally ending up in the isle that he purchased what he took his life with. I pray that one day God gives me the courage to walk through the doors.

Family Scars

World War 3

Way back in my other life I spent about 90% of my time with two of my cousins. We did everything together. We were the three amigos.

When were were in our early twenties we spent much of our time doing whatever we wanted.

One wild night after a little too much drinking we went back to my apartment to hang out and hopefully pass out. Somehow a fight ensued.

When I say a fight I mean a knock down drag out fight.

I won’t name names or say who did what to who but at one point there was a bic pen shoved on someones leg, a bottled throw in someones face, someone got choked, someone got slapped and someone got their face smash on to the concrete in the parking lot.

Yes, it was only the three of us involved.

The night ended with our aunt driving 45 minutes to pick on of us up and the other two finally hitting the pillow and passing out.

Talk It Out

Early the next morning the phones started ringing. We mostly wanted a recount of what exactly happened the night before and to figure out why we were so mad in the first place. It turns out that one of us said something to the other to express their feelings and the one on the receiving end took it the wrong way. All out war followed.

But we are family. We love each other and just because we had one disagreement we were not going to throw our love for each other away. We sat down and talked it out. We laughed in the end at how out of hand we got but we all apologized, accepted apologizes and moved on. We would have never cut each other out of each others life over a disagreements, never.

Just Not Worth It

Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, give or accept an apology and move on so that you don’t lose someone who is important to you. Life is just too short to hold a grudge or refuse an apology. It’s not worth it. You might wake up one day and not have the opportunity to forgive or accept someones forgiveness. I is it really worth it to be right?

We also need to set an example to the little eyes that look up to us.

Your Family’s Not Perfect, Never Will Be

We are all flawed, we are all a mess and if your pretending that your family is perfect then take a rest, you must be exhausted!

It’s okay if your aunt drives you crazy, that your husband doesn’t pamper your ever need, that your kids don’t make perfect grades, that you sister always tells you what you need to do or that you your ex doesn’t parent exactly the way you want them to.

The beauty of it is that you are family, the family that God designed. It’s okay to be frustrated and it’s okay to forgive and most importantly it is okay to ask for forgiveness.

However, it is not okay to stab your cousin in the leg with a bic pen.

Let’s Pray

Merciful Father thank you for giving us the ability to forgive. Thank you for the families that you so carefully designed for us, weather they be by blood or in our hearts. Teach us how to set our pride down and pick up forgiveness. Even though you have created all of us and the families that we have, none of us are perfect and we all fall short of your glory. Help us to see beyond ourselves. When we have our backs turn to our family to prove a point, gently take us by our shoulders and turn us back to them. In Jesus name, amen.”

I have a very small scar on my left thigh. It’s about the size of a bic pen. It is a sweet reminder of how far my cousins and I have come and how much we have grown. Oddly enough I do not regret that night. I have come to appreciate the scars that life has given me and the things that they have taught me. I pray that one day I can forgive everyone that has created the scars within me and that the people that I have left scars on can one day forgive me.

The Other Man

This is a repost but God has been telling me to repost it, so I’m obeying. I pray that whomever God wants to see it is reading it now.

My Secret

Several years ago I brought another man in to my marriage.

I had just had the triplets and my husband was working all the time. Myself esteem was gone. I didn’t feel pretty or loved. I know that my husband loved me but he was working odd hours all the time and when he was home we were just simply surviving.

We had 5 daughters under the age of 6, one income and a stack of bills. He didn’t have time to pamper me and I didn’t have time to show him much love or appreciation. Our marriage became all about the children and work.

We forgot about us.

So I met a man.

It was innocent and unintentional at first. I would meet my friends every Thursday morning and while I was there he started showing me attention. I eventually fell in love with him and started seeing him twice a week, sometimes more but I thought about him all day everyday.

He seemed to always be available to me, he showered me with affection and never once did he judge me. He also thought I was beautiful.

I couldn’t tell my husband what was going on with this man. I don’t think he even cared. We had become absent in each others lives.

I started taking my girls to meet the new man. My husband had no idea of the relationship his wife and daughters were forming with this man. The man begged me to tell my husband what was going on but I was too nervous, I didn’t know how he was going to react.

My husband was a lot smarter than I was giving him credit for. He knew it was going on. He knew that I was taking my girls to see him.

Our marriage hit rock bottom.

Meeting The Other Man

I desperately wanted to save our marriage but my husband was worried that we wouldn’t be able to find forgiveness for each other. We began staying up all night, holding hands and talking through everything that had gone on over the years and how we had gotten to this point.

About a week after this started my husband told me that he wanted to go with me to meet this man. I was so scared.,

I never went to sleep that night.

What was going to happen when they came face to face? Was my husband going to hate him and be bitter or would he understand? The next day my entire family went to meet this man together.

My husband held my hand so tightly that it hurt.

We sat down and my pastor introduced my husband to the man. It was obviously the Holy Spirit speaking through my pastor because it was as if we were the only people in that huge church of hundreds. He told my husband all about Jesus that day and how with Him all things are possible. My pastor told him how in love Jesus was with me and with him and that not only would He never leave us but that He has always been with us.

My husband fell in the love with the man that I had fallen in love with years before. My husband gave his life to Jesus that day and agreed to let Him be number one in our marriage. He accepted Him into our home and agreed to have Him guide us in raising our daughters.

I finally had both of the loves of my life together and better than that ,Jesus became the main love in my husbands heart. I wasn’t jealous at all the he put Jesus in the number one slot, I was grateful.

I read a saying about an old couple that was asked how they had stayed married for so long and the wife replied “We come from a time where when things get broken you fix them”. I am thankful that we get to set that example for our daughters. I am thankful that God allowed me

and my husband to repair what was broken. Lets fight for our future generations, lets teach them the importance of God being first in our homes, in our lives, in our marriages, in our work, in our parenting and in our friendships.

It is mandatory that we put God back in the number one spot in everything we do.

One of my favorite verse is 1 Corinthians 10:31 “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” I want to be able to know at the end of the day that everything I did brought Him glory.

Challenge me to it, hold me accountable but most importantly, join me.

Lets pray

“Sweet heavenly Father, thank you for never leaving me and for being patient with me while I learned how to have a relationship with You. Help me to set an example for every set of eyes that sees me today. In Jesus name, Amen.”

. A month after my husband gave his life to Christ, he and I were baptized together. He bought us new wedding bands that we put on right before we were baptized. The are engraved with the words “God be with us together and apart”, I believe Jesus also wears one.