Today, Tomorrow Or The Day After That.

today tomorrow next day

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold — though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” 1 Peter 1:6 – 7

365 Days

Today can make me bitter or today can make me better.

My dad committed suicide a year ago today. Maybe it was a year ago tomorrow or maybe the day after that. I will never know.

His death certificate reads “date found” instead of date deceased or date died, whatever they put on there. No one knows when he actually did it. It’s kind of haunting.

The last time anyone heard from him was on the 5th and that is also the day he shopped for his own noose at Home Depot. I know this because of the receipt that was in his pocket when he died.

They didn’t find him until the 7th and we were not told until the 8th.

It’s going to be a long few days for me.

Beauty From The Ashes

I’ve had some anxiety about this day arriving for the past few months. I have kept that to myself for the most part.

Then I started receiving notes from my friends, little reminders that they were praying for me and that they love me. Most of these notes were from friends that I have gained through W3 or friendships that have been renewed or strengthened through W3.

They started to do their work on me.

They started to change me.

Today, Tomorrow Or The Day After That

I’m not going to be sad today,  tomorrow, or the day after that. I’m not going to repeat that eulogy in my head. I’m not going to picture my father on the floor of that bathroom. I’m not going to dwell on Home Depot, a bag of shirts, a death certificate, the phone call from my brother, a cross in the middle of nowhere or a single moment of my past with my dad.

I am going to give thanks for every blessing that God has poured out onto me over the past year.

Thank you God for W3 and letting me have words to put down. Thank you for giving this to me.
Thank you God for renewed friendships, new friendships and changed friendships.
Thank you God for the peace, grace and mercy you have given to me.
Thank you God for the crazy faith that you have filled me with and the fire you have ignited inside me.
Thank you God for giving me the ability to know and show true forgiveness.
Thank you God for the cross and what it means to me now.
Thank you God for letting my dad walk through your gates and to your feet.
Thank you God for any life that you have allowed me to touch through your W3 ministry.

Today is not the anniversary of my dads suicide, neither is tomorrow or the day after that.

Today is the anniversary of my renewed life and faith in Gods ultimate plan.

If he died a year ago today or tomorrow or the day after that, it doesn’t matter. He is in heaven and it doesn’t matter when he got there. It doesn’t matter what was in his pocket or where he went that day. It doesn’t matter what his death certificate says or where his ashes remain.

What matters is what comes after. It matters what I do with it today, tomorrow and the day after that.

Today can make me bitter or today can make me better.

Let’s pray

Merciful Father thank you for the sacrifice of your son so that even someone like my dad can spend eternity in heaven praising your great name. Thank you for giving us enough grace that all we have to do to be able to enter your kingdom is to believe in your son Jesus Christ. Thank you for forgiving our sin no matter how big or small. Thank you for forgiving us and giving us the ability to forgive others. Thank you for writing my name in the palm of your hand right next to my dads name. In Jesus name, amen.


I pray that you are rested and renewed in your new home in heaven. You are forgiven here on earth just like you are forgiven there with our Savior. I hope that your home in heaven is the mansion that you always wanted and that the closets are filled with snake skin boots, Polo style short sleeved shirts, 1000 pairs of Levi jeans, a pair of bright white tennis shoes and a super comfortable bath robe. I pray that God has supplied you with a barber that knows how to cut your hair in a way that that says “business in the front, a party in the back”. I pray that all the TVs in your home play images of your kids and grandkids and that you finally have a chance to see who we have become. I pray that God gave you the voice of an angel and that when you sing His great name in praise, the beauty that comes out of your mouth surprises even you.  Sing dad.

I love you.

Your daughter.


Empty Roads

The Unlikely Cheerleader

I was a cheerleader in highschool. It’s kind of strange to think about. That time in my life was when I hid who I was the most. It’s funny that I was one of the girls trying to pep people up and put smiles on their faces. I was the unlikely suspect and I wouldn’t have ever told a single soul.

Oddly enough I was pretty good at being a cheerleader. That’s not something that I brag about too often but honestly I think that I was just physically strong and good at hiding behind a smile.

Watching The Empty Road

Every summer we went to camp and at camp we tried out for All American Cheerleader. We would have to cheer by ourselves in front of the entire camp. I always faced it with confidence and for the most part always did very well, right up until my senior year.

My mom never once missed an event of mine or my brothers. She made sure that she would be there to watch us do whatever we were in to at the time. That meant she would take off of work and drive three hours just to watch me do one cheer. She made sure that we knew that we meant something and that we were worth it.

There was only one time in the many years that I was a cheerleader that she wasn’t able to come watch. She had to travel out of town for work and would not be there the summer of my senior year to watch me try out for All American.

My dad vowed to take her place and make the drive to watch me. He promised that he would be there. He promised. I filled my heart with faith. I convinced myself that this was going to be the one time that he kept his word. I took my heart out and laid it down, wide open and unprotected.

We stood in a line waiting for our turn to cheer. We were outside and could see the entrance to the school from where we stood.

I never took my eyes off of the road leading in to where I was standing, not for a second, I stared at it the entire time. I don’t think that I was praying to God because I was already so made at Him that I had stopped speaking. I started talking to myself

“Please show, please show, please show.”
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 8 more girls before I’m up. There’s still time for him to get here.”
“How did he forget about me?”
“Are all the girls staring at me?”
“Are they whispering about me getting stood up by my own dad?”
“I don’t care if he shows up stoned, in a stolen car, with a random woman, just please show up.”
“1, 2, 3, 4. Only 4 left until it’s my turn”
“I can’t do this. I’m going to quit.”
“Come on, come on, let me see him drive up the street. There’s still time.”
“1, 2.”
“If he pulls up now he can at least catch a glimpse of me cheering from the street.”

They called my name. No dad in sight.

It was the first time that I tried out for All American Cheerleader and didn’t win it. I failed. I wasn’t worth it to him…again.

There was no way that I would have ever let a single person there see a tear come out of my eyes. My heart that I had left open and unprotected immediately turned to stone.

Faces In The Crowd

It wasn’t until many years after that when I realized that all the moms and dads that where there knew exactly what was going on with me and they did everything that they could to soften the blow for me without me knowing that they knew. They were my mom’s close friends and knew why she couldn’t be there and they knew that my dad would never show. They had to sit there an watch me squirm with anxiety, they had to watch my heart break and they couldn’t do a thing for me.

I had family there, I was just so caught up in what I wanted that I failed to see all that God had put around me. I also never stopped to look up. My heavenly Father was there to watch me cheer. He had front row seats. He had angels dancing and singing in anticipation of my name being called.

He had to let my heart break. It was the only way for me to take my focus off of the things that were hurting me and take a look around. I was blind to all the people that loved me because my desperation for my dad wouldn’t allow me to see it. All those people thought I was worth more than precious jewels and I wasted years feeling worthless because I couldn’t see them.

God puts the most amazing things in our lives and he can’t wait to see the looks on our faces when we see them. It breaks His heart to watch us focus on the negative things in our lives. He wants us to let them go and let Him be our focus.

Look up. Take your eyes off of the bad and be amazed by all the wonderful things that God has all around you. Let go and let God. Don’t stare at the empty road waiting for something that isn’t coming. Look into the crowd of loving and familiar faces that are there to cheer you on.

Let’s Pray

“Gracious Father thank you for never leaving us. Help us to remove our focus from the hurt and pain and open our eyes to Your mercy and grace. Teach us to see our cheerleaders that are in our crowd and help us to be cheerleaders in our friends crowds. When we can’t take our eyes off of the empty road gently put Your hand on our shoulder and turn us to face our crowd. In Jesus name, amen”

Even though that year at camp held my biggest hurt, it also held one of my greatest memories to date. Two of my very favorite and funny girlfriends and I laid in a twin sized bed and sang our hearts out to Reba McEntire. For as long as I live I will remember that moment as simply being a kid and having two people next to me that truly loved me. I love you for that Sarah and Holly.