Three years ago today my brother made one of the hardest calls he would ever have to make. I picked up the other end of the phone and listened to him tell me that our dad had committed suicide.
I crumbled to the floor and felt my entire body go cold. Guilt, failure, worthlessness and rejection swam to the surface of my soul and took over.
That was my bottom.
That’s the most rejected and least worthy I have ever felt in my life.
That day was what drove me to start writing. It’s the reason I started putting my feelings “on paper” and trying to regain some sort of worth inside of me. I gave everything in my life over to God and made a promise to Him that I would submit to His will from that day on instead of trying to force mine.
God’s been moving mountains.
He removed any guilt in my heart and gave me the ability to truly forgive everything, and I do mean everything, in my life. He also humbled me to ask for forgiveness from those whom I have hurt.
He revealed my gift to me. He showed me how to write and now I’m addicted.
I use to “celebrate” the anniversary of my dad’s suicide. I would go over every moment and try to replay it all in my head. I would be so anxious the weeks leading up to it and have a hard time focusing.
God makes all things new and today He has changed my day of “celebrating” the suicide to truly celebrating something today.
Today, three years to the day that I found out my dad had taken his own life, is now the day that God showed me that I am worthy and I can make a difference. He revealed His plan for me, one I never saw coming.
Today I got to be a contributor on Today.com, the website for the Today Show. That is so huge for me I can’t even put it into words. It’s not about being recognized on a large-scale but about God reminding me that I have been given a gift from Him. I have worth. He will never reject me or leave me. He loves me and wants good things for me.
My day of mourning has been replaced by a day of joy. It is not a coincidence that I was published on Today.com on the very day that I learned of my dads death three years ago. God has always had this plan and today I recognize it and give thanks for it, all of it.
I can’t say thank you enough for all of the support and I can’t express what the comments of love and encouragement have done for me the past few days. You have given me my worth back on the day it was taken away. Thank you.