Today is a new day. My day of mourning has been replaced by a day of joy.

 

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Three years ago today my brother made one of the hardest calls he would ever have to make. I picked up the other end of the phone and listened to him tell me that our dad had committed suicide.

I crumbled to the floor and felt my entire body go cold. Guilt, failure, worthlessness and rejection swam to the surface of my soul and took over.

That was my bottom.

That’s the most rejected and least worthy I have ever felt in my life.

That day was what drove me to start writing. It’s the reason I started  putting my feelings “on paper” and trying to regain some sort of worth inside of me.  I gave everything in my life over to God and made a promise to Him that I would submit to His will from that day on instead of trying to force mine.

God’s been moving mountains.

He removed any guilt in my heart and gave me the ability to truly forgive everything, and I do mean everything, in my life. He also humbled me to ask for forgiveness from those whom I have hurt.

He revealed my gift to me. He showed me how to write and now I’m addicted.

I use to “celebrate” the anniversary of my dad’s suicide. I would go over every moment and try to replay it all in my head. I would be so anxious the weeks leading up to it and have a hard time focusing.

God makes all things new and today He has changed my day of “celebrating” the suicide to truly celebrating something today.

Today, three years to the day that I found out my dad had taken his own life, is now the day that God showed me that I am worthy  and I can make a difference. He revealed His plan for me, one I never saw coming.

Today I got to be a contributor on Today.com, the website for the Today Show. That is so huge for me I can’t even put it into words. It’s not about being recognized on a large-scale but about God reminding me that I have been given a gift from Him. I have worth. He will never reject me or leave me.  He loves me and wants good things for me.

My day of mourning has been replaced by a day of joy. It is not a coincidence that I was published on Today.com on the very day that I learned of my dads death three years ago. God has always had this plan and today I recognize it and give thanks for it, all of it.

I can’t say thank you enough for all of the support and I can’t express what the comments of love and encouragement have done for me the past few days. You have given me my worth back on the day it was taken away. Thank you.

Click here to see my post on Today.com

 

17 thoughts on “Today is a new day. My day of mourning has been replaced by a day of joy.

  1. Pingback: Today is a new day. My day of mourning has been replaced by a day of joy. | stan d'cunha's random thoughts strictly personal

  2. I am not divorced or from a divorced family BUT what you wrote was one of the most kind, confident and brave advice you could ever give another woman. Your daughter is so lucky to have a Mom like you. I shared it with a bunch of people because it was so uplifting and moving.

  3. This is so beautiful. I’m so glad found your worth. Your words are stirring something in people. God is using you. Keep listening.

  4. So I had no idea the significance of all this “bigness” happening on such a significant day in your life. It gave me chills. It is further proof that God is in charge. Keep writing. You have a gift!

  5. Congratulations! I’m happy for you to be able to use your writing to turn the very sad suicide of your Dad into a blessing. I don’t think that the timing was a mistake either. May God continue to bless you, as you bless others wIth your gift ♡

  6. I didn’t go through the exact same situation as you, but something similar, and your words truly touched me. Congratulations on being able to turn that sorrow into positivity. You are strong!

  7. I stumbled upon your blog and am so glad I did. You truly have a gift from God. Your writings are so eloquently written. I have read three posts so far and have cried on each one, I’m quite the crier, but nonetheless, touched by each of your blogs. Can’t wait to read more. Hooked

  8. Beautiful article!!!! Nice to see that you guys can coparent. The children in the end are the ones that really matter.

  9. My ex wife promised we could talk when we split, and things would be like that. It never happened, in fact we seldom talk and I have tried. Our two adult son’s have suffered because of it. It’s caused a lot of big problems over the last 25 years. Instead of being a family it’s a family split 4 ways with very little communication. Divorce is an awful thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Love to have some feedback.

    • Why would you expect her to keep her promise? She said it just to make you feel better, with no intention of following through. It is time to close that chapter in your life and move on.

  10. I absolutely love what you wrote. I lost my father to suicide 25 years ago and struggled with much of what you wrote about. It is truly heartening and poignant what you shared and being so vulnerable with social media is inspiring. It allows God to use you in a way to reach others like myself and ones that are just beginning their journey after grappling with a loss such as suicide. People don’t mean to (and sometimes it comes within), but there is a certain amount of shame and pity that comes with a loved one committing suicide – it can be truly overwhelming. Thank you for sharing your story with us and listening to God’s voice and doing this.

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