An Open Letter To My Daughter’s Stepmom

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To My Daughter’s Stepmom

I never wanted you here. You simply were never part of the plan. Growing up and dreaming of my family I never included you.   I didn’t want help from another woman to raise my child.  The plan was for my family to include me, daddy and our children, not you.  I doubt you ever wanted me in your life. I doubt you planned to mother a child that you didn’t give birth to. I can bet that your plan for your family included you, daddy and your children together, not me or my daughter. I can almost bet that when you dreamed of becoming a mother it would be the day you gave birth and not the day you married your husband.  I’m pretty sure you never planned on me being here.

But God has plans that far exceed our own and when my little family dissolved to form two families I knew you would be coming.

In my mind you would be a terrible beast and my daughter would not want you to mother her at all, ever! I was hoping that you would be semi unattractive and prayed my daughter wouldn’t look up to you. Her daddy would know that he was settling for second best.  Evil swirled in me because I never wanted to face the fact that another woman would mother my child in my absence.

Then you arrived.

When I first met you I’ll admit you weren’t what I had in mind and a twinge of jealousy shot through my body. You were supposed to be hideous, remember? But you weren’t, you were stunningly beautiful. You were supposed to be a mean old hag, remember? But you weren’t, you were a young, sweet woman.

My plans were foiled.

I realized by the look on your face that meeting me was just as hard as it was for me to meet you. My heart immediately softened.  Dang your kind smile! I was planing on really hating you. Why are your ruining my plan?!

I wanted to resent you but you made it impossible and I quickly grew thankful for you.

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You’ve accepted our daughter from the very start and have unconditionally loved both  her and her daddy, that’s a true gift to all of us.  You’ve included our daughter in everything you do and make her feel loved and accepted. You put her relationship with her daddy above yours and only a brave and courageous woman knows how to do that with such grace.

I knew when her daddy and I decided to divorce and live in separate homes there would be times when she would need me, her mommy, and I wouldn’t be there.  I’m so thankful that you are there in my absence. I’m grateful that you have mercy on her teen years and never reject her.  She needs a mommy at your house and you’ve done an amazing job being that for her.

You’ve respected my position as mom from the very start. I appreciate that you always check with me when you question if you are making the right decision with her. I know our situation is rare. It’s not often that a mom and stepmom text each other to remind each other that they love and respect each other. You are a gift.

Because of you and your courage to mother our daughter the way that you do, she will be a better woman. She will grow up with more love than I could have ever imagined. It wasn’t her choice to have divorced parents and even though I wouldn’t wish that on any child I am so thankful that she now has 4 parents who love and respect her and each other. She’s compassionate because of it and understands that a failure in one area can turn into a blessing in another.

I don’t see you as a fill in for when I’m not there. You are her mother when she’s with you and when she’s with me. She’s excited to call you and tell you her stories when she’s at my house and that makes my heart want to jump from my chest with joy. I fill with pride when you wrap your arms around me and squeeze for a genuine and loving hug each time we see each other.

I am extremely aware of what it looks like when a mother cannot emotionally accept her childs stepmother in their life. Gratefulness pours heavily from me that we are able to rise above anything like that and do what is truly right for our daughter. Thank you for being mature enough and respectful enough to co-parent with me.

I promise to always respect your input for our daughter. I promise to never lessen the position you hold in her life or make you feel like you are not her mother. I promise to raise her to be grateful to have two strong and brave women in her life that have the courage to mother her together. Even though our situation is peaceful I pray that she is never in it, but if she ever finds herself here I promise to set an example for her of what co-parenting should look like.

Precious woman, you are a rare and beautiful gem.

God bless you and I love you.

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773 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Daughter’s Stepmom

      • That is so true. It takes incredible courage, patience, humility, and thick skin to truly get along and love a step-parent. It can be done, and the reward is so worth it. We just have to remember its not about us, its about the kids.

      • It is not easy in mother Africa. Most of these stepmom don’t have special love and treatment for their step child.
        I was lucky to have stood my ground when my new wife started treating my son badly. At times, my son is denied his supper. God save us all.

      • I was really struggling yesterday on Mother’s Day. I’m a stepmom for 3 lovely girls. Because their birth mother continues to be very cruel to both me and their Daddy, we all really suffer. Instead of celebrating a blended family in a loving, forgiving way, I feel like we live life like a broken family with a lot of shame, guilt, anger, resentment, and jealousy. Thank you for bringing hope and joy to my day. I’ll continue praying that God will find a way to soften the most hardened of hearts. Thank you for you inspiration!

      • Hi, I wanted to ask a question to a stepmom. First I think this article is great and its nice to see that kind of relationship. I don’t know if my feelings are ”right” but they are very strong so I thought I’d look for some feedback.I have a nine year old daughter named Lynn I recently saw on on fb ( thru shared friends) that my ex’s fiancee and her family are referring to Lynn as her daughter but my ex as her fiancee. I know its a small thing but it makes me wonder if my ex has lied and portrayed it as my daughter needing a mom.. i have met his partner and she knows i take my daughter half the week. It really bothered me to see her family refer to Lynn as the fiancee’s daughter.. i mean she isn’t even the stepmother yet right? Maybe its just me but it hurt like hell. And my daughter has made it clear that the fiancee is her primary caretaker when at her dad’s house.. which i let be his business. Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you

      • To Shelley:
        As a step mom, I consider my stepdaughter my bonus princess because she was a major bonus of being married to her daddy. I love her and would do anything for her just like her three siblings that I birthed. I’ve been with her daddy since she was 1, so she’s never known a life without me in it and I don’t want to think about a life without her. I would take it as a sign of love that your ex’s fiance has for your daughter.

      • Hi Shelly,
        I wanted to respond to your comment… as a step mom, I can relate 🙂 It is often just a short-hand to call my stepdaughter my daughter. Saying stepdaughter, especially with people who already know they are your stepchild, or for strangers who don’t necessarily require a whole explanation, is sometimes cumbersome. I would take this as a sign that your daughter’s stepmother loves her enough and considers her a “daughter” — not as a sign that she means that literally or that she’s concealing your presence in the girl’s life. Hope that helps and puts you at ease. It sounds like one of those things that’s easy to over-analyze. (another thing I can relate to.) ❤

    • WOW , I READ YOUR POST ONCE AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND EVERY TIME I CRIED . I WISH ALL WE WOULD HAVE CALM TO ACCEPT THE THINGS THAT WE CAN’T CHANGE AND STRENGTH OF JOY TO FILL OUR HEART AND LEARN TO THANK GOD AND OUR LIFE AS YOU DO, CANDICE.

    • We have a similar story. It’s rare, and beautiful. Thanks for sharing this, it is exciting to see another positive example of coparenting. Julie (stepmom) and I (mom) actually have people tell us it’s “kind of strange” that we are friends. To that I say, “good luck you, oh negative one!”. http://www.adventuresincoparenting.com

    • I don’t understand why so many women think this is amazing. The fact that she gets along with the woman who divided her marriage shoes tremendous tolerance a d forgiveness. It also shows that she is certainly not being honest. I don’t believe that she loves this woman, not for a minute. Why was this written by her and not the other way around? This absolutely no sense. I am divorced but I know many women that are, and the tough enough to watch your family break apart let alone watch your husband’s mistress raise your daughter. Who posts pictures from their exhusband wedding? My friend who is divorced, showed be letter and the first thing I thought when I read it is why the long ridiculous opening? That is a clear indication that she is not 100% over the pain this woman has caused. This letter should be one sentence: “thank you for being nice and kind to my daughter, it is greatly appreciated and puts me at ease.” The other portion is ridiculous. This woman is gorgeous, happy and is dancing with your child at her wedding to your exhusband. I am not saying to be angry and bitter forever, but what I am thinking is – where is HER response and apology to YOU!! What is she going to tell your daughter how she and her father met? This is totally ridiculous. Be thankful, be kind, but DO NOT be weak! This letter is pathetic. Move on.

      • Thanks for reading and for your extremely honest response. My daughter’s stepmom had nothing to do with my marriage dissolving. She met my ex husband several years after our divorce. I am so grateful for her love for our daughter and truly love her. If that makes me weak then so be it.

      • @Meredith. It was this mother’s will to put this letter out there. There is no need for the step-mom to reciprocate, and even if she has, no obligation to make it public like the mom has.
        There really is no need to get into anything further with you – since you wouldn’t relate and doesn’t sound like you wish to. I WILL say that it is imperative to love our children more than you hating an ex or any of his/her significant others – no matter how or when they obtained that status. Grow up. Move on.

      • Here’s one of the responses from the stepmom: “Candice, I don’t know what to say. I am not good with words like you are and the way you express yourself. All I can say is I am crying like at the end of The Notebook,” Ashley wrote in her comment. “You make me feel so special … Thank you for this letter. It made my day and I will keep it close to my heart always. Love you.”

        And here’s another: “Parish says reading the post made her cry. “It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me in a really long time,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. “For her to recognize my role — not that I’m looking for recognition — felt so good.”

    • Now I’m not married, don’t have any kids, grew up with two parents who are still together so maybe this isn’t for me, but stumbled across this letter. I have to say, I’m so annoyed by all the step moms, being like “OMG I wish my step kids mom were like you, but she hates me” : (

      How come the onus is always on the ex-wife? How come it’s the ex-wife’s job to reassure the stepmom that she can have a fulfilling relationship with their kid? Why does the ex wife never get her happily ever after. My god all these comments are all step moms complaining that they wish their step kids mother was nice to them and not some bitter jealous harpy. I say with all due respect, fuck all yall.
      Where is the letter from the Step Mom to the biological one? Where is the recognition? Where is the mutual respect? Why isn’t that the ex-Wife always has to make it easier?

      Lady, I’m happy that you have this amazing relationship with this woman, but my god you don’t owe her jack shit. She’s nice to your kid, good. You don’t have to wax poetically about her. Focus on YOU, we as women, especially single parent women always have to compromise. Well what about the Step Mom huh? IF anything she should be bending over backwards praising you. You’re the parent, Again maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about but boy am I sick and tired of women always having to take the high road and when they don’t they are selfish and mean.

      Women need to be more selfish when it comes to themselves and not their kids. All the empathy is directed towards the step mom in this picture and not to you and ex wives everywhere and that just doesn’t sit well with me. It’s always on the ex wife. I want to see a passionate letter from the Step Mom to the bio mom but no they just want everything to work out well for them and to hell with the bio Mom.

      • You were right in your first sentence, Ms. Daniels. This post is Not for you.

      • Rachel Daniels,
        The fact that you don’t have children is exactly why you don’t understand. It is always the bio moms responsibility to make sure their child or children have a safe secure happy environment. This woman is a prime example of how that is done. She shows on her writing that she was jealous , and was in fact upset at some point . But being able to overcome a divorce and a step parent in your child’s life isn’t easy, and she has done it beautifully, not only for her daughter , who will acquire the abiliþ to see beauty in every person first, but also for herself so she doesn’t harbor ill will which just makes you bitter and grow old faster. I am a step mother that has taken the role of only mom to him and a bio mother to my birthed child. You also have to remember that the step mother in Candices story is just a human being as well searching for her fairy tale life as well. Should she have not fallen in love with a man with a previous child, that would be unfair. My husband had a child before I met him. The bio mother treated me very badly. But then she disappeared completely and her birth child calls me mommy and has for 10 years. Yes I felt it was my job to try to please her and pro e myself, but soon found that I didn’t owe her jack shit, nor did she owe me. It is living in peace with everything and everyone in your life, and this situation being the hardest. I don’t know I could do the same if my husband and I ever split but I would sure try. And remember it does depend on what type of person both women are. They got lucky, and she is showing her appreciation not just for the step mom to her child but to God or the universe, whichever she prefers, for the luck she received. To have both woman getting along is awesome, inspiring, and not for everyone, but should be 🙂 And if you have never had kids you will never understand.

      • Wow, I come from an unbroken home, so I had no clue what I was dealing with when my ex left me for a female soldier he impregnated while in Iraq, but I can tell you the importance of having a good person with an honest character that respects your place as the mom in the childs life. My ex’s wife is younger, insecure about the way they got together I am sure, but I think started out thinking I would just be so jealous of her I would die, and I just wasn’t. I would not want that story as how I met my husband, in Iraq while he had a wife and 3 little girls at home. This has gone on for 12 years, her trying to make me jealous, and calling me jealous, and 4 years ago, she stole my kids. She was a complete nightmare and she was still able to snow my own daughters with her trash talk about me every time she saw them, so now they keep them all to themselves, and you know, I am still not jealous. She manipulated children since they were very young and while I kept them in their own world she brought them into her world of hate and gossip and made their childhood full of prrssure and negativity while I was just trying to let my kids be kids. I am a stepmom myself now, AND I have another daughter with a new stepmom, and I really do love the woman. I help my step daughter make presents for her mom and help my daughter make presents for her dad and will for her step mom and it is nice. So nice. You have no clue what a difference it makes. My youngest alienated daughter wants to come home and they tell her it is just teenage rebellion, which is funny because my other two daughter that had lived wih me their entire lives made a decision and their feelings were validated but my youngest who was allowed to follow her sisters although too young to decide, when she wants to make a decision, gets that it os rebellion. Of course. The most against me is my 19 year old, who is mildly autistic and just wants them to love her, so she found out long ago that hating me gets her alot of attention fro them, but she just had a baby. 2 days ago. My daughter and I have the same middle name. So what is her babys middle name? The same as her stepmoms. They picked the name of their baby in effort to cause me more pain. What a beginning for that sweet baby. Named in hate. Her husband’s own mother DIED last year and they didnt pick to honor her, which was what I would have expected. The wicked step mom has now had 2 girls with my ex. What if they wanted to use the name. It is just wrong in so many ways. Evil. I would not expect my daughter to pick any other person to honor really with her having converted to satan worship and having her language become so crass she sounds just like her stepmom. I tried with that woman. I was her friend whenever she so desired, but I think the military turned her evil. Trained her to kill and not have a conscience about it. No wonder she was trying to kill me.

  1. Absolutely stunning. As a stepmother who did not receive such open arms I am so excited to see that there are people that do. HOORAY!!!

  2. I am so happy to read that there is this kind of peace for your daughter and family. I am not as lucky. My children have a father that his new women has tried to replace me, they tried to take my kids away from me over the summer. She wanted to be mother and take my rights away. She has tried everything to be me, steal my hobbies, my words, even my like and dislike. Then married their dad and refused to send my kids home to me after summer vacation was over.I had to fight over my kids, not ever my intention. I never asked for child support,but he also never helped us. This story is so heart warming I am so happily for the peace you have in your lives!💖😊

    • You are not alone in the battle for your right to “Mom”. I recently lost the war. My daughter is now living with the wicked witch that stole her from me. Yes, I have my flaws–who doesn’t? I love and protect our daughter there is a certain pride that is lost when another woman is raising my child. I’m all that a mother should be and certainly no less of a mother than she! How did it come to be that money and law took priorities over a mother’s right? I could understand if I harmed my daughter or placed her in danger repeatedly, but I’m no danger to her, I am a light in her world. A color that no one else can offer but one that can be restricted. I feel your pain and know that our light can only be restricted for a limited time.

      • NO ONE can take a child’s love for their Mother. She might have bought her attention for the moment but trust me she will come back. It’s best if you stop fighting for the time being if you can, Just let her know you love her and are there for her and it will work out.

      • You speak selfishly. A mother’s right?!? What about your ex?!, Isn’t it a father’s right to parent too?!? Just because he’s remarried you are feeling hurt. Being a parent isn’t a “right” it’s a privilege. You need to remember that the father has just as much “rights” to parent your child as you do. Just pushing out a child does not give you “any rights” tons of mothers loose their “right” to parent, just like many men loose their right to parent. The fact that you didn’t even mention the father shows how little you truly think of your child’s feelings. A child DOES have a right to spend time with both parents. I’m sure if you were married you’d see it as fine that a new man was parenting your child, what’s the difference?!? Sounds like you feel that no one can love a child like the person who pushed them out. Having a baby, does not make you a mother. Being there, caring, forgiving, loving, unselfish, and there for the child makes you a parent. Try being less selfish, and stop competing. There is no competion. I’m a great stepmother, but I will never be their biological mother. She can’t replace you, unless you let her. See it as, right now, your daughter is with HER loving father, and there just so happends to be a woman, kind and loving enough to be there for her. It’s a blessing, not a curse.
        I am a child of divorce, I LOVE my step dad because he’s all I know, I’ve only seen my biodad 5 times in my life and I’m 30. I still love my biodad I just don’t “know” him, and he’s NEVER done a thing to “deserve” my love. I just can’t help loving my biodad, i love him anyways, no matter how little he deserves it.
        So, instead of competing with a woman you don’t know, try to gain, deserve, and treasure that love between yourself and your daughter. My dad never tried and Noone can replace him, not even the most loving, caring, amazing step dad, could.
        No one can be you or take your place, even if you were the worst mother. Think about adopted children, tons of them come from amazing loving families, but they still seek out their biological parents out of curiosity and all that binfo them.

      • @Just a s’mom.
        I don’t know where to begin… but I think I want to HUG you!! I feel exactly as you do. Your points are 1000% true, valid, and heartfelt. I’m in my mid-40’s and I share the same views, and have experienced many, many of the same situations as you, be it past or present. Well, with exception of my parents being remarried to (and divorced from) some lousy stepparents. You can say I’ve learned what NOT to be as a bonus-mom, but frankly, I’m a better bio- and bonus-mom for having gone through it.
        The fact that some parents put their own selfishness ahead of their children’s growth, stability, and happiness absolutely dumbfounds me. I’m happy to know that there are people like you who stand up and speak for fairness of the children. We need to continue to advocate for ALL our children. Blood is not as much a factor in PARENTING as people think.
        Anyway, I’m happy to have read your commentary. It struck a chord with me in every good way. Blessings to you, s’mom!!

    • I feel for you, Angella. My ex’s other (who he cheated on me with) never talks to me unless she’s forced to. He hardly does, either but when he does, I swear I hear her words. I’m not the only one he’s known to say that, either. She tries to pick at me and drive a wedge slowly by being catty, but thankfully my daughter (so far) isn’t having any of it. Mean shows it’s true colors over time. I am honest with my daughter about our life and what is going on with me. (She’s 9) I don’t want them to be able to plant ideas in her head about situations that she isn’t aware of and try to control the narrative. It’s sad that we need to police the voices around ourselves so much sometimes, but that is life. Thankfully, they have her less than 72 hours per week. (Most times less than 48). Busy lives you know. Concerts to go to, things to see…

  3. It took almost ten years to get to this point, but my ex met and married a woman about a year ago that I thank God every day for. She loves and accepts our son as she would her own, and that is a true blessing. I feel that because of her my son’s relationship with his dad has improved, and I am beyond grateful for all she does!!

  4. I don’t get the need for the prefixes “step-” and “half-“when we explain our family members. Family is far more than who you are related to by blood. Your siblings, parents, cousins, etc are just that, no need for prefixes. And this comes from someone who grew up in a traditional, nuclear household where both my folks are my biological ones, had no prior marriages nor ever divorced, etc. My mom did, however, yet as far as she’s concerned, her father is her REAL father, her brother and sisters are her siblings, her cousins are her family.

      • Where I come from you take a gun to any of these family get togethers, not a love letter. If this is the truth, you are special lady.

    • Honestly, there is a need for the prefixes, because as a mother and step mother, I would not want my son to call another woman mom, just like I wasn’t a”mom” to my step daughters out of respect for their mom. No one can ever replace that role even though they may love that child like their own. Our kids are siblings however so no we don’t use the words half sister or half brother.

      • I am a “step” mother and my “step” children do not call me mom but when they introduce me to friends or talk about me I am mom. My boys introduce their “step” dad as dad but again do not call him dad. My kids are my kids all 5 of them regardless if I gave birth to them or not. I have never had a relationship that I would text the other mother, but we tried very hard to have a working, respectful (for the most part) relationship.

      • I called my stepdad “dad”. My step sisters called my mom “Sharlene”. My son calls his stepmom “mom”. Its up to the individual what they call them. I have 3 stepsisters, but they are sisters to me (not “step”), I also have a halfbrother & a halfsister, but they will always be “brother” & “sister” to me.

      • Details, details, details. Don’t let it define you. Family is who and what you make of it, prefixed or not, and certainly blood or not. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Just be a good person.

    • Depending on the situation and family, I believe it is their choice to use prefixes. I have two “half” sisters….we all 3 have different mothers. One of them was raised with me, calls my mom her mom and has truly been my sister in every aspect of the word. The other, however has not…I don’t feel i should have to refer to someone as my sister when she’s not….she’s my half sister, and she is only called that because we share half the same genes.

      • I have 3 half siblings too. One was raised with me. We have the same mom. My brother and sister from my dad were in their 20’s when I was born and my sister already had a 1 year old. I refer to all 3 as my brother’s and sister even though I only grew up with the one brother and my oldest brother and I don’t even have a relationship. It is definitely a personal choice and for me, family is family. I wouldn’t refer to 2 of them as my brother and sister and refer to one as my half brother just because we aren’t close.

    • This is exactly how I was raised. My brother are my brother’s even though we do not have the same bio parents my step mom married my dad when I was a baby so it was all I knew. Even now that we are grown up and my dad is no longer married to her she is still apart of my life as well as my brother’s and their families. I just wish my parents would have gotten along this well when I was young! They could not be in the same room for very long at all

  5. Great open letter. I’m actually a stepmother to three beautiful daughters. One step daughter from my previous marriage and two step daughters from my marriage now. I’m so blessed to still be part of my step daughters life especially since me and her dad divorced. I was part of her life for over 12 years and helped raise her and saw her grow and become a beautiful young lady. I’m truly blessed that her mom accepted me from day one and we’ve became really close friends. To others, our bond and relationship is weird and unheard off, but to us is normal – we help each other out, have dinner together, play games with the kids, and even spend birthday and holidays together. Unfortunately, I’m not too lucky with the “new mom” now. Before she even met me, she was judgmental and had said very harsh things about me. But of course, I’m not the harsh ugly beast she expects me to be. I’ve become to realize that I can only do my part as a stepmother and a wife and as long as my step daughters accept me and love me, then that’s what really matters. I love my step daughters, and even though they didn’t grow in my tummy, they grew in my HEART!

    • I read a quote once about adopted vs biological babies, and where they come from. Something about biological babies grow in a mommy’s tummy, and adopted babies grow in a mommy’s heart. 🙂 I thought that was so sweet, and you just reminded me of it. God Bless you and your family! 🙂

  6. I’m so thankful that this was published. I am a second mom and my daughter’s mother just sent me a link to this to express her feeling to me. Our situation isn’t the normal one and yes we get stared at when we are all at a restaurant eating dinner TOGETHER but it should be normal and expected. We should all take every opportunity to reflect God’s love.

  7. I also have this beautiful relationship with my ex. We both married and our kids to our spouses now consider themselves brothers and sisters since we have maintained a close relationship. I love to hear that there are people out there that have this same “weird” relationship. I hope someday that this becomes “the norm”!

  8. I am so proud and blessed to say that me and my boys step mom have this very same relationship! People probably think we are strange but she is a gift to our family. Thank you for this wonderful letter. I had to send it to my boys other mom! I pray more mother’s and step mothers can open their hearts and show each other this same compassion and grace.

  9. I love this article!! I too had a beautiful relationship with my ex husband and inlaws, and for the most part my exhusband’s new wife. Unfortunately, the root of bitterness over money got in the way… but I still have an excellent relationship with my ex and is parents. His parents call my daughter from my 2nd marriage their “bonus grandchild.” I hope someday to repair the relationship with their stepmom, but she isn’t open right now, and I don’t want to force it. 🙂

  10. My daughter stepmother and I are this way
    …. we’ve been best friends for years and wouldn’t take our coparenting or friendship for the world!!!

    • my step-son is 11. He feels your pain. He is said because “me and his mom hate each other” I don’t hate anyone, but rather struggle for it to be accepted that I have a valid relationship with a child, even though he is not mine. I would love to have a respectful coparenting role with his mother. I think my efforts are seen as threats. I could take or leave a new friendship, but my heart aches for an adorable innocent boy who wants a real family, not this mess we are living in. My poor little boy makes me cry, and his selfish mother makes me cry.

  11. This is beautiful. Coming from a broken home, where my mom has not re-married but my father has and as much as I try to accept his wife, she is just awful. I am also a soon to be step-mom to a beautiful now 6 year old but I have been in her life since she was 3. I also do not communicate with her mother. Through the many years of verbal bashings, to the court hearings over custody with her and my soon to be husband it has truly been difficult. I realize now that all I have ever known is a step parent who didn’t like me and doesn’t get along with me or my siblings. I realize maybe I should step out of my comfort zone and try to fix the relationship so my step daughter doesn’t have to struggle with the decision on who to spend Christmas with every year. Thank you for opening my eyes.

  12. IDK!!!!! IF this is a true story……………. but if it is I understand. MAKE it happen, life is to short and waste feelings on hate or whatever your issue is…… love each other. I have been the mom with a son with boyfriends that didn’t like or was jealous of my son…even my male cat! I fell in love with him when I was 16 and to this this day still do! We did get married but when you are older you find out issues with people… we divorced…. but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I do miss him a lot… but I have since married and love my relationship with my husband and my son now ……but at times I do miss my ex. Ill be honest,,,,,,,,,relationship was sexal……………………..OMG!!!!!!!!!!! other than that didn’t work.

  13. As a new stepmother, I certainly needed to hear this. I can only hope the biological mother to my stepson will be even a quarter of what you have shown this wonderful lady. Thank for showing us hope! Bless your beautiful family!

  14. Beautiful letter. That is The perfect relationship for both parts. I Don’t have too much relationship with my step daughter and step son. ( teenagers).Not even with their mom. Let’s see what happen in the future

    • There are situational circumstances behind every story, not everyone’s can be the same. Mine started with my cousin and daughter’s father sleeping together. Then they fought 8 years for my daughter. They even tried forcing my daughter to call her mom when “Auntie” embarrassed them at functions involving our daughter’s friends and their parents. Everone has a role, only each person can move so far alone.

      • I have a similar situation. In my case it was a good friend who took advantage of my troubled marriage. I have tried for five years to forgive her and just let all my anger, hurt, and bitterness go but it seems like it is an impossible task. I am a very positive person and am usually very forgiving person. She has shown no remorse and now they have their own daughter (to which I believe she made happen not by his choice.) The daughter is like a thorn in my side and I fight back tears every time my children talk about their sister. I wish so badly we could have a relationship that I am well aware would be best for my children. This woman broke up my marriage and is nice enough to my kids, but lets it be known that they are not hers. I battle with the idea of my children liking or hating her. I am terrified they will like her better than me. My question to Women With Worth -W3, would be if you had any advice on my situation or others like mine?

  15. My son and I are also blessed that his father chose a wonderful woman to be his wife and stepmother to our son. We all have a wonderful relationship and I am grateful for this every day 🙂

    • I second that!!!! I wish my husband’s ex-wife cared for herself and her children as you obviously do for yours. God bless you. Thankyou for leading the way for us all!

  16. This is amazing…..true or not I know ppl that are co-parenting effectively kindly and lovingly.
    I pray that our volatile situation settles down. After 2 yrs it’s been nothing but heartache.
    It’s awful when either women feels so insecure that bitterness and anger take over. Our children lose.

      • Can I ask you, was she the woman that broke up your marriage. I have to say it would be very difficult to treat the woman that My husband is currently having an affair with this way. I can only hope and pray if they stay together that she is wonderful to my children but I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive her for breaking up our family.

  17. Although I am lucky to now have a similar relationship with my daughter’s step mom, it did not happen over night. It has taken years of work and we still have our ups and downs as we change as people. It’s hard enough to change and grow with a husband – it’s even harder to continue growing and loving when there are 4 people involved. Bad days, or weeks, are guaranteed. What’s important is to remember how to find your way back to the good place with them.

  18. Although I am lucky to now have a similar relationship with my daughter’s step mom, it did not happen over night. It has taken years of work and we still have our ups and downs as we change as people. It’s hard enough to change and grow with a husband – it’s even harder to continue growing and loving when there are 4 people involved. Bad days, or weeks, are guaranteed. What’s important is to remember how to find your way back to the good place with them.

  19. Awesome. Sounds like Dad did an awesome job, too. I have been with my husband since my son was 2 and he is Dad. I imagined this type of relationship and tried to reach out to step moms but my friendship wasn’t reciprocated. My ex-husband is on marriage #3 – 2nd wife flat out told me “We don’t need your kid. We have our own.” 3rd wife doesn’t acknowledge our son exists. (10 years since they have been together and although they have been in the same place 3 times, not a word spoken between them.) I blame my ex for letting it happen. My son is now grown with his own children and refuses to speak to my ex because of it. My grandchildren don’t know their biological paternal family. Although my husband is the best grandpa ever, it still makes me sad that my son and grandchildren don’t have the love from the other side.

    • I love that you brought up dad! It takes a special kind of man to be comfortable with his ex-wife and his wife being so close, and a special kind of man that wants to foster that relationship as opposed to hinder it! My ex and I didn’t get along for years (we were mutually stubborn), his wife came into the picture and it was like a switch flipped. She was able to open his eyes to his wrong doings in the past and why the things he would do and say would make me so angry, and she was able to make me realize that forgiveness and a fresh start weren’t nearly as difficult as I had imagined it would be. God had a plan for us from the beginning, we just didn’t know! 🙂

  20. I wish I could have a relationship like this with my step sons mother… 😦 Glad they are able to make it work, it is indeed the best thing for the child, to have all parents on the same page.

  21. Beautiful Letter, Thank you for sharing. I am blessed to be the stepmom of two beautiful daughters and the step grandma to both of their handsome sons. Their father and I also have 2 children together, whom both love their sisters and nephews. Even though their dad and I are no longer together, to them I’ve always been just mom, ma or grandma…I love that someone else has the same outlook! Nothing can change the bond I;ve formed with these wonderful young ladies.

  22. This is an awesome letter-you both are amazing women. I’ve been in the stepmom’s shoes for nearly 24 yrs and started out trying to bond with my “ex-wife-in-law” as I called her. We’d take the kids trick or treating together etc but thru the years we’ve drifted. I miss that bond. They didn’t divorce because of me therefore I wanted her to know I loved her kids as mine. They’re very precious to me & hopefully someday we’ll get back in each other’s lives. Thanks again for your wonderful letter! God Bless y’all.

  23. This is awesome!!! I came from divorced parents, sadly my “father & step mom” are just that. As an adult I’ve tried a relationship but it’s not really possible! I do however have my daddy whom I love and can always count on!! I now have children and they face this same issue, I hope they will see the love the two of you share!! Thank you!!

  24. This just brought tears to my eyes, I tried so hard for this and the mom just didn’t want to accept anyone else in her daughters life,she made things so difficult me and my husband are now divorced, I wish there were more stories like this!

  25. I wish my relationship with my husband’s ex could be like this. There is way to much anger, jealous, and hate from her. Not to mention parental alienation. I’ve tried, my husbands tried with the help of counselors. No luck. Hurts the kids and is very sad.

    • Sorry….I know what you’re going through. My 3 eldest sons all over 18 are estranged from their father…2 yrs now. The new wife has made sure she and her kids are his family now. Our youngest son has been tormented by her. My ex has yet to acknowledge let alone meet his 1st and only grand daughter.
      Bitterness, insecurity and cold ugly spitefulness are so ugly and by no means make for any productive communication….co parenting for our youngest is none existent

    • If you truly wished for this to see the ex as a angry, jealous, hateful person isn’t going to help. Those thoughts are negative and will do no one any good. Best thing to do is set a good example. Always take the high road. The truth always prevails. Good Luck Being a step parent is a hard job.

  26. I am engaged to be married next year to a man who has three children with his ex-wife, all under the age of eighteen. I admit that before I met him, I was content being mother to my two children and couldn’t see myself being a “step-mom”. Funny how things change, I also thought i would never get remarried either. His oldest daughter fell in love with me quickly, his youngest – his only son took a bit longer but we bonded over games and now he wants to spend time helping me with whatever project I am working on when he comes over. His middle daughter took the longest, over a year to warm up to me. I have always tried to treat his kids like I would my own, I care for them, provide for them, pick them up and/or drop them off when their mom or step-dad wouldn’t. I would protect them against anyone, even stepping in between when I felt their dad was being too harsh. I have tried very hard to be respectful to their mother but she calls every few days wanting money for this or that despite receiving child support, telling my fiancé that he needs to bring her lunch, buy new tires for her car or buy dog food for her dog. She started blowing up my phone one day when he told her no and accused me of not caring about her kids…I told her it wasn’t about the kids, it was about her overstepping her boundaries as his ex-wife. She still tries to start drama, I just do not play her games. So, as lovely as this story is, it takes two to make it a reality.

  27. Wonderfully written!!!

    I am the step mom and this brought me to tears and honestly was good to hear from the other perspective. We are in a great situation co parenting but there are times that everyone has a bad day, on both sides.

    It is sad that having a successful co-parenting situation is in the minority. The children miss out more than anything! Good for you for writing this! It is simply beautiful!

  28. This is beautiful. I would love to have a relationship like this with my daughter’s step mom but like many other stories my daughters father and step mom tries to have my daughter call her mom. Which causes alot of drama

  29. My oh my….. I have a different story. My kids “stepwitch” physically assaulted my then 15 year old daughter because she wanted my kids gone so she could take over their fathers $$$$$$$$ without them in the way, She accomplished just that. I now have full custody and they hardly ever see their father. Unless of course they can make him feel guilty and buy them something. I am sad and broken by this .. This woman found my vulnerable ex and spun some sob story and he felt sorry for her so he married her. Now he is miserable and my kids no longer have their father. But he refuses to change it. She hugged us and made us feel like we were going to be a big happy family but she did a 180 as soon as he said “I DO” I am glad this woman found the perfect stepmom for her kids… It is the exception rather than the rule……

  30. Wow, that is awesome. I hope to be able to have this relationship with my son’s mother one day, but I can’t foresee it. We have zero contact and she refuses to be around me. She’s not allowed in our home due to previous issues and threats, so drop-offs are done in the driveway. I try to be as considerate as possible and not replace her, but just add another person to his life. He’s only three, so there is a lot of time. I just hope things will get better before he really begins to understand. I don’t want him to get mixed up in our conflict and differences.

  31. My kids step mom really done a good job and still is thank god for loving step moms thanks from my heart Nita little Sullivan

  32. Thank you for sharing your story. My husband passed away many years ago. I’ve remarried and my step children remain in my life today. Their mother and I couldn’t be any closer. My husband is their step father in their eyes. We are grandparents to their children. Thankful for these and many blessings.

  33. This is beautiful. Being the child of divorced parents, I’m aware of how fortunate it is to have two sets of loving parents. Best wishes to all of you.

  34. My relationship with my boyfriends ex is pretty relaxing and stress free as she trust me with her babies who i adore. I hope it can grow into this beautiful things ypu have eventually. We are at one and a half years of me being in the girls lives. A suprisingly peaceful one with all four of us parents. They have father, step dad, mommy, and now me the dads gf! The Mom lets me have a say and feel belonging, and we all co parent far smoother than most. Praying for this to continue and our relatuonshsipa to grow and benefit the girls!!! Absolutely love this!!!

  35. I also don’t understand why the prefixes must be used, I am a step mother and my step daughter will be three in march, I’ve been with her dad two years. She calls me mommy bc that is what SHE chose to call me. I never refered to myself as anything but my name or t. She has always called her mom mommy and her step dad is daddy as well as her real daddy. Her mother and I get along and we agree on lots of things we talk when we see each other but we don’t text each other or anything like that. If u work hard enough for a child to feel comfort in u to call u mom, mommy, dad or daddy. Even having respect for the other parent it should be the childs choice. I have my own daughter now and was scared when I had her I would feel different for my (step)daughter but I found if u truely love another child like ur own, even having ur own, it doesn’t change! I love it! But I am very sad bc her mother has just informed her father and I they are planning on moving 3hrs away and we would get her during summers and some holidays instead of every other weekend. Idk how to feel about it bc I love her so much! Its so hard bc I have to think of how it will effect my 8month old as well, she loves her big sister so much and has gotten use to the schedual. Ugh so sad…sorry for any spelling errors haha can’t think right now.

  36. This is an amazing letter!! I actually cried reading it. I have been in my step sons life since he was a baby and I cannot even ask a question to his mother without a dirty look or her yelling at me. I can see in my son’s eyes that he is torn and it breaks my heart. I only pray that someday he will be able to at least see two people he loves have respect for one another. He is my entire world, as he is hers. Thanks for letting me here from a mothers perspective. Your daughter is truly blessed to have such a loving support system. You know the true meaning of being a parent!!!

      • No! It is the entire family that suffers, every single person involved…..this even stretches to grandparents. Splitting up a family should never be an option in the first place.
        This letter pointed out the pain of the biological parent…..and how she rose above her suffering to make this situation a positive one…..living positive in a negative world. She even was kind enough to point out the “discomfort” of the “stepparent” but the “suffering” ultimately is on the original family. Not the stepparent.
        The stepparents can pity party themselves all they want but in the real world it’s the parents and children of those parents that suffer because of their failure.
        God made families to stay together, when they don’t they are already against the natural order of things. It would only be natural that this would bring “suffering”. Thank God this woman wanted more for her daughter than for herself, she is displaying, through this letter, an act of complete selfLESSnes…..something this entire world needs more practice in.

      • To Stepmom 2: Actually the stepparents suffer too…And I do not say this to throw a “pity party” for myself, and it by no means is meant to diminish the feelings of the biological parent. And sometimes families splitting up (hard as it may seem) is a better option. My stepson, whom I adore and love, saw and heard things that were not healthy because his parents had a very unhealthy relationship. They should not have been together. Now, with his father and I he sees what a loving family functions like…and I try very hard to not step outside my boundaries, however, it is very sad when he tells his friends that he loves his stepmom more then his mom. Why? Because I treat him like a person and not something to use against the other parent. I did not throw him out of our home at 11, in 10 degree weather with no shoes or coat on because I didn’t like his attitude, his mom did…I have made every school treat and team treat since he has been in school. When he was diagnosed with H1N1, I was the one who saw the signs, stayed home with him, rushed him to the clinic and stayed with him until my husband got there and then 4 hours later his mother showed up. It is his father and I that he calls when he questions things or is upset. Do not diminish my role with him because I am not his biological parent, especially when his biological mother isn’t a very “healthy” person for him to be around. I didn’t birth him and I wasn’t forced to love him; my heart opened up to this young man when I met him for the first time at 4 years old and he crawled in my lap to read a book of poems. I chose to love him as mine and just because we do not share blood does not mean we are not family. I would give my life for him because he is my son in every way that is important.

    • I am a step mother of a teenager. I have been in her life since she was 12 years old but knew her when she was little. Her father and I married when she was 16 and her mother is horrible with me. She degrades me when ever she gets the chance. She has driven a wedge between her daughter and I more times than not. It upsets me so much and I cannot believe that I am actually seeing this post today because last night we had an issue regarding her and I cried to my husband saying that I truly hate being a step mother. It is so difficult because of the way I am treated by both the mom and daughter. I am so good to that girl but she feels like she is betraying her mom if she is nice to me and if she goes home and says anything nice that we did together, the mom goes into a jealous rage. They were never married and he left her when she was three years old. I was so overwhelmed reading this letter above. I prayed for this type of situation because I lost my mom to cancer when I was three years old and I was raised by a step mom from the age of 3 till today. She is 91 and I am proud to call her mom.

      • I want to say that I don’t hate being a step mother..It’s just hard enough these days to be a mom much less a step mom with such disfunction and anger attached to it. I love my step daughter so much. She is sweet and people actually say that she looks like me which makes me smile every time. I just can’t get close to her because her mom doesn’t allow it.

      • I am in your exact situation! I have a step son and daughter, then I also have a daughter with my ex. My husband now is great with my daughter and my daughters step mom with my ex is awesome! Now we are not close like in this letter but we get along and have never had any problems! Now my husbands ex is a whole other story! She has lied and used the kids against us and now that our kids are older they are beginning to see and understand some of the things she has done to hurt us as a family! The bio mom has even tried to start a physical fight with me a couple of times. When we first got together she made our kids feel guilty for even likeing me! I pray that your situation gets better!

      • Yes, I am in the same situation. I have been in my stepdaughter’s life since she was 3 when her mother brought her to my dance studio for lessons. I meet my stepdaughter and her mother before I met my husband. The moment my husband and I began seeing one another I became the evil other woman, not the ballet teacher her daughter loved. She has spoken ill of her father to her own child and has tried to drive a wedge between my husband and his own daughter by degrading my husband every chance she gets. Now I am the evil other woman and she is so torn with jealousy and spite that she has driven a wedge between my step daughter and myself. I have given her daughter so much over the years to no avail. My step daughter barely speaks to me when she visits her “mandatory” 3 nights a week when her mother a hairdresser, works at night. She says goodbye to my husband and our daughter when leaving the house and acts as if I am not even in the room. My husband spoils her and gives her anything she wants. She is nearly 16 and self-centered and doesn’t call her sister or want to spend any time with her. It breaks my 7 year old’s heart that her big sister doesn’t want to have anything to do with her.

      • Wow, this is EXACTLY what I go through. I’ve cried to my husband. Its so sad how evil ppl can be. We’ve been in & out of courts for OVER 10 years. The mother has brainwashed their daughter to “hate” me. My.poor husband (who’s an amazing daddy to our daughterx) is caught in the middle. His only fault was finding love again.

    • That was always the same response I received too! If I ever questioned or asked anything I was scorned, even when mt step-son lived with us.
      Fortunately, I no longer have to deal with her anymore, but having some distance I came to make a discovery about our relationship, she was filled with jealousy and bitterness. She left my husband, had an affair, and she truly truly believed that she would find a better man. She continues to realize, to this very day, she was wrong. Two marriages and many many partners later. I probably never would have realized this except that 8 am a nurse and I actually had her employer (local dentist) son as a patient. Both the dentist and his ex-wife told me that she always said her biggest regret was divorcing my husband. They both also informed me of how jealous she was of our lifestyle and me. Through this I realized that her hateful attitude against my husband had nothing to do with him, it was all about her hatred of me. As crazy as this sounds, it helped me understand her and her crazy life and bad choices when it came to the boys, but mostly I just felt sorry for her that she was unable to move on and had all this bitterness not only against me, but mostly against herself for making her decision to divorce my husband. That is a lot of unforgiveness for many years to live with. I wish her peace and contentment even though she will never accept it from me. Very sad…

      • Peace to all of you above in my same situation. I hope that something healing happens to our current husbands ex to make them see that they are really only hurting their child. In my case due to something mental with her, I believe, things will NEVER change. My step daughter will never have a wedding because her mom will never be in the same room as me…and she doesn’t want children, probably for the same reason..didn’t want a sweet sixteen party..same reason…It’s going to follow this poor girl through her life being intimidated by her own mother. Makes me mad, and sad.

    • To Lindsey, My 1st husband died in a accident in 1984. We had one child (He was special, he had Down Syndrome) and I was 6 months pregnant with another son. I met my husband Ray when my children were 8 months and 21 months. I can’t say it was love at first sight, but it was close to that. He immediately fell in Love with my boys. Well we married in 1986. Ray was such a good Father. After 3 years of surgeries and other procedures we discovered I could not have any more children. I was devastated, but Ray kept telling me “we already have two, were very blessed”. That was 29 years ago. He took 2 babies and loved them as his own. I have never known a kinder person We have never called him step-dad. He is simply Daddy. Our son just told us Thanksgiving that we are going to be Grandparents in June. We are on cloud nine. He told his dad, ” I want my son/daughter to have something from you. So boy/girl will have Ray as their middle name !! I just wanted to share from another angle to the other parent. Thanks for reading !!

  37. My Daughters Stepmom…was incredible…she treated my Daughter just like her own..she was respectful to me even tho I was broken hearted she was in my place…I loved her right up to the day she passed away 1 week after she gave birth to her second child from a blood clot. I cried right along side my ex husband over her death. Sometimes the Stepmom can be awesome

  38. This is so beautiful! And very moving im happy for everyone involved the biological mom for her loving openess and not having a problem saying another woman can will and is doing a great job being a mother to her child most woman wont admit that plus be happy and thankful for it on top of it is amazing. And the stepmom is amazing for loving another womans child like her own and not being jealous or standing in the way of the father daughter relationship! You are all doing an amazing thing for your child this coming from someone who was raised the same way she will always remember how great you all are with her and the older she gets the more she will love respect and cherish every moment with all of you. Most importantly she will be a better person for being blessed with so many people that will always love her unconditionally!!! Your doing a great thing for her. Thank u for sharing this story your family is beautiful dont change for anything.

  39. This is something I stumbled across on Facebook and I literally broke down! When my husband and I got together, we both had children from previous marriages. And trust me…I tried to befriend his kids mother from the very beginning. But her mind was set. She was their only mom and I was just a nobody. I wasn’t allowed to discipline them or anything. But if she needed something, she called me! I’ve helped her move several times, taken her things she needed, and even allowed her to move in with us once because she had no where to go! It took years for her to express gratitude for raising her two daughters. We’ve had custody of them for years and I’ve never treated the girls any different than my own biological children. I’ve endured a lot of hatefulness from her. But I keep on doing what I have too. Maybe one day, things can be different.

  40. I cried when I read this it is so Beautiful but a lot of times the husband cheats on his wife and she often becomes the step mom.

    • Yes it does and it takes time to heal from such trauma. I pray that someday I can feel this way, now it’s just too soon 🙂

      • Cheating changes us but forgiveness needs to take place.
        give yourself time… Jesus heals!
        its not the women so much as the husbands actions for me and i still have this thing that i want them to know exactly what he did. yeh not right i know…

    • I agree! When my childrens stepmother had an affair with my husband and eventually married him it was difficult for me to respect her much less him.
      I go back and forth on the issue. Somedays I’m still blue about it even though she bends over backwards to be good to my children and grandchildren.
      I know I need to forgive them but I
      certainly will never forget it!!

  41. I would love nothing more than to receive this kind of letter from my Step daughters Mom. She is still mad at my husband for moving on and not pining after her even though she wanted the divorce. She makes everything Dad and I try to do as complicated as possible. It’s been 8 years now and I doubt she will ever change but I know with prayers and God’s hand anything is possible. It is ultimately the children that suffer and in turn I suffer in silence hoping she cares enough for them to change her actions. Kudos to these parents who are mature enough to know what it takes to truly “LOVE” their children and want the best for them.

  42. This is awesome ♡♡♡♡. Cried and cried. How wonderful for your daughter ..Same situation with my son’s step mom.. . and the dads . Truly feel blessed as I read this.

  43. Several yrs. ago my ex-husband and I seperated and eventually divorced. After awhile I met somone else. was some anger on my ex-husband’s side. But after abit my ex and my boyfriend were able to get along and sit and have civil conversations. Why? Because we had a daughter and grandkids to love. Plus my boyfriend also has 2 boys that i love dearly. Unfortunately their mom doesn’t like me no matter what i do and our kids are grown now. I started reading this story and the more i read i stsrted to cry.

  44. Ohh that I could say the same regards to the steplady in my daughters life.. for to have a woman as the above.. whom you know truly protects and cares and loves your own child …is an eternal gift.
    To have the opppsite of this is a nightmare .
    I know ..Im a Mom and have lived it .. still am
    ;(.
    You see the pinches … you see the neglect.. you hear of things and cant afford yet another attorney to simply beg the courts to see.. to help ..
    Then.. you see something worse then a pinch .. a burn … then 2. Always excuses …
    To be a Mama and fear a phone call you simply couldnt take … because you cant get the “system” to help … is the most heartbreaking situation that words cannot describe… possibly similiar to your soul being bound as arms and legs would be and a cement block attached and then you are thrown in a lake… you can see the top .. see whats happening yet you cant help. .. you are mocked …. and you keep searching for some form of help … keep fighting to not give up ..

    Because you love your child …..

    Ohh how I wish I could say thank you to a stepmom

    I cant.

    It s awful and if you have a situation in which you know your childs in good hands .. you R blessed …

    To live my nightmare is to really not live at all .

    Sadly .

    • Get in touch with your locsl BACA (bikers against child abuse) group. Let them know your concerns of abuse they may be able to help. They are an amazing groupof people.

    • At the time I read this, your comment was nearly two years old. I hope everything worked out. In any case, I’m praying for you and your child. God bless

  45. My son’s have been blessed with a wonderful step-mother that they are glad to call Mom. Also a step-sister that they would protect with their lives. Thank you for being there for them when I wasn’t or couldn’t be.

  46. As a mom of two kids who now have 4 parents, this letter was really interesting to me. When dad and I divorced, I imagined being able to have something resembling the relationship you describe. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. The girlfriend turned wife has been a game-player with me and my kids since day 1. We’ve tried a number of things to make the dynamics between the four parents more cooperative but to no avail. It is very difficult to stay positive for kids and not let my opinions of a person or situation not effect theirs.

    I don’t think you need to be told this as your post indicates you already do, but appreciate your situation! Not only does it make life easier for the adults, but your daughter is so lucky to be in such a situation! She will no doubt reflect on it as an adult and realize how her parents all did the right thing for her.

  47. Wow so beautiful such a great relationship I wish there was more like these in this cold heartless world these days.. this teen girl is so beyond blessed!! I love reading stories just like this.

  48. Am I the only one wondering if most people realize the letter isn’t about the mother, step-mother, or their relationship with each other.

  49. Wow. Amazing story. I grew up with divorced parents. Luckily my mom worked for a divorce attorney & seen how bad it was to talk shit about the other parent & there other 1/2. Even tho my dad was a piece of shit & his fiancé lived 20min from us. I would go 2-3yrs at a time & never see or hear from him.
    It’s because of my wonderful mother & her teaching me there 2sides to every story & treat people the way I wana be treated that I’ve become the 1/2 way decent guy I am. My x-girl. Has 2kids. There dad lives 4blocks from them. & even tho she’s my xxx. I still take care of her boys. I’ve done more for them in last 6months. Then her new boy friend(dirt bag) & her x husband. It kills me. Cause I wish I had a son half as good as either 1 of her boys. If u have any respect for urself or ur kids. Do you a favor & bite your tongue. Kids are always listening. Got to teach the next generation right from wrong. & respect. It’s the only way we can change this world. Talking shit gets u noooo were. Let ur kid get old enough to figure shit out on there own. If mom/dads a scum bag. U don’t have to talk shit & tell em anything. They will figure it out on there own. & have twice as much respect for u

  50. WOW ……Amazingly said . What a rear gift, a rear acknowlidgement to u step-mommy. What kind of a woman you are just shined straight thru….BRAVO to you. Made me feel so proud to be a woman with step children, and so humble I sit in my living room recliner at 6:50 am crying like a baby. Loved it…xo

  51. This story is 99% great. I had one “ew, ick” moment about the stepmom putting the daughter/father relationship ahead of her husband/wife relationship.

    Does the biological mom feel she can afford to be gracious to her husband’s new wife because the biological daughter occupies a “superior” position in the family hierarchy, having become a “placeholder” for the ex-wife in the relationship, taking precedence between the husband/dad and his new wife?

    Genesis 2:23 does NOT say, “therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife… until the kids come along.”

    The position of wife is a position of dignity, honor, and respect, and not one that God intended to be usurped by a child under any circumstances. It could be said that God didn’t intend for divorce to happen, either, but Christians divorce all the time these days, so we must deal with the situation we have, not an idealized fantasy of life.

    IMO there are a lot of failed marriages and spoiled children running around these days because parents put the child/ren first when it was inappropriate to do so. Especially the older a child gets, the less priority that child’s wants and needs should have in the family unit. If parents aren’t teaching their kids to be progressively more self-sufficient and emotionally independent, they’re failing in their duty as parents.

    I congratulate this mom and stepmom for getting to a good place of grace with each other; I just have this one question about whether they both need to do some more emotional and spiritual work around “boundary issues.”

    • I’m sorry but you are wrong. When a person has children those children come before all future romantic relationships.

      • A spouse always comes before children! Children grow up and move out and start their own lives but a spouse will be there “till death do us part”.

      • Not true when they have their own perents in the pictue. I married my husband to be his wife not to be a fill in for what should stand up to the bat . The children grow up move out and make their own path . I am making mine with my husband ,.

      • We will have to “agree to disagree,” StepDaughter, but God bless you anyway. I hope your current or future husband will do the right thing by you and put your relationship with him first (after your relationships with God, of course).

      • LOL Uh, clearly “till death do us part” with all these stepparents around. A parents bond with their child is FAR more important than any romantic one they hold- sorry, but those are just the biological ties we hold. Marriage isn’t permanent, rehardless of however much you or your religious inclination may wish it to be so.

        And, yes, I am a step-lady to two young, beautiful women who I am exceptionally grateful to have in my life- but I come second to them when it comes to my fiancé. He is their father, and was LONG before I came into the picture. He will ALWAYS be their father, and to ask him to make that relationship second to me would be not only selfish, but cruel.

        This does not mean I am to be forgotten- but if it means postponing our date to watch his little girl perform, then that’s what it means. If it means giving him up a night or two a week so he can be a father to his girls, then that’s what that means.

        Entirely TOO many men have NO IDEA of the love and patience and kindness it takes to be a father. I WILL NOT deny his daughters his presence in their lives or the importance of that presence simply because I am, also, part of his life.

        They deserve better than that.

  52. I wish my stepmom was as awesome as the one in this letter. She played the part well until my brother and I were both out of high school. Now it’s entirely about her and her children (who are out of school) and she has more or less cut my brother and I out. Family holidays are incredibly uncomfortable, especially Christmas where her kids have 20 presents each from her and the same amount of money gifted to them from my dad that he gives to us. It would be nice to be treated like family instead of someone who shouldn’t be there.

  53. I respect my children’s step mom, I send her Mother’s Day cards with little notes inside. I’ve thanked her for being a mother to my boys. She not having any children of her own, I was worried. She’d say I love them because they are “his” and has grown to say I love them as my own. I truly think GOD knew what he was doing when he placed her in our lives. Now with that said I can only pray for my step children’s mother to feel the same instead of calling me names, not speaking to me but only to my husband. Where are the boundaries there? How do you gain respect when there isn’t anything to work with.

  54. Pingback: An Open Letter To My Daughter’s Stepmom | kashisheikh's Blog

  55. I cried reading this today, I have been in my step son’s life now for 5 years, me and his mother are civil and get along but she does not respect the fact that I am a mother to him and love him as my own daughters!! I am merely “stepmom” and I really shouldn’t have an opinion in anything to do with him, and to make matters worse my mother-in-law and my stepsons mother are now pretty much best friends and agree and they do not say very nice things about me in front of him, and she doesn’t not accept my kids as her own grandkids. With that being said I am now in the role you were in my ex-husband will be getting married in a couple of months and I found this letter so up lifting and was going to print it out and give it to their future stepmom, she has taken on a lot to choose to raise 3 amazing daughters and I want them to have 2 amazing woman in their life that love them!! Thanks again for sharing your story!!
    Lindsey

  56. As all mine is different than all above, similar in the only the children count in the situation far most and each as individuals, as a divorced father of 2 very beautiful children and 1 daughter from the woman I am currently with + 4 more I have experienced the spectrum of many situations. As I read all the print the most important thing comes to mind, we as parents need to make sure that we instill into our children just how important communication is important between all involved, no matter what the situation, and helpful advice is always welcome no mater whom shares it. The nice thing about advice you can take it or politely walk away from parts, are all, as some persons are one sided in their thought process, Me being a father who has you’rs mine and ours, my first 2, everything was confusing it hit me like a ton of bricks, I went to work brought my check home (as my x was great with bills). Unfortunately I found myself using the 2 girls against my x, I knew this was wrong, so I stopped, the bad thing is the only way I could stop was to remove myself from their lives, so for 1 year I left, that stopped me from doing anymore damage to 2 little girls that did not need all the drama, life was hard enough with all the new changes they were about to face, I thank my step family for stepping up and helping her. Now a days we are all close. My point is, sometimes you need to do what is right, no matter how much it hurts, then maybe you will find yourself with a good deal like I found myself with. I may not have much, but I payed my support raised 5 kids, and I have my morals and a feeling of accomplishment, I did what was right, now my x is one of my best friends, thanks step dad Roy for understanding, and thanks for being there

    ,

    • My (step) daughter’s mother and I are dear, dear friends. I love her like I do my sisters. I am so thankful for her and am eternally grateful that she has accepted me into her family’ life and has allowed me to co-parent our daughter along with our husbands. I couldn’t imagine it any other way!!!!

  57. i actually walk in both shoes. As a stepmom, I am hated, and the kids fear doing things with me because of the outcome with their mother. Which really causes some unnecessary stress in their lives. As a mother I really appreciate my exes fiancé. I know how little he did with our daughter when we were together. I love when my daughter comes home with braided hair from dads or her nails done. I know she is actually having fun over there. When his fiancé is off at college, my daughter hates going to dads and puts up a stink. When she’s home my daughter is happy. That makes me happy. This letter made me realize that I need to let her know that I appreciate her. I will have to send her a card or something because my ex makes sure we have as little interaction as possible. Which is sad. But he likes control.

  58. Pingback: Open Letter to My Daughter’s Stepmom | Middle World Witch

  59. My step sons mom sent this to me this morning . She has been very supportive towards Me .she has never disrespected in any way . I’m very grateful

  60. This did make me cry. My parents split when I was eleven , following an affair, so the wife has always been in the picture.. Even though there was hurt and anger my mom always encourage us to have a relationship with her. She admitted it was so rough for her to think about us having a relationship with the woman who helped break up our family. Even with her encouragment my fathers wife was horrid and cold. She despised us and our mother. My siblings and I are now grown and she is still as cold as ever. We have 3 siblings from her but barely get to see them. One of my sisters is barely grade school and has fashioned her to let peoplde know I am her half sister when we are introduced. That breaks my heart because we do not think any different of them.
    I am now part of the step parent circle. I give my spouse and his son their time but am there for both of them. Even after years of my being in his life , I have yet to meet his mother. She just gives out negative looks from the door.
    Co-parenting and peacful situations are very rare. Its a shame they all can’t be this way. Everyone suffers.

  61. I have been a step mom for 11 years now. I get along great with my stepdaughter and her mom. I had driven my stepdaughter to one of her riding competitions and hung out with her mom and her friend. She told her friend that she was truly blessed that her daughter had along step mom like me. It made me feel really good!!!!!

  62. I am a stepmother to 2 wonderful kids. My son lives with his father & I, our daughter lives with her mother & stepfather. It is hard to be away from her & vice versa for their mommy, but we get along great and respect each other. OUR kids call her mommy & myself mom, and that is perfectly fine with the both of us, as well my husband is daddy & their stepfather is dad. Their mommy & myself call each other at least weekly and we text often throughout the times between calls. My husband & myself relocated over 1300 miles away from her & our daughter, but because we get along and co-parent so well together, herself, her husband, our daughter, & their new daughter are going to be relocating to the same general area as ourselves so that our kids will continue to have all 4 parents in their lives daily. Herself & her husband actually asked my husband & myself to be their newest babies god parents, which we accept very happily. We love & spend as much time with our god daughter as we do with our own kids. Parents need to accept and understand that the kids are the ones that get hurt in the long run when we refuse to get along with the step parents. I know from experience because in the beginning of mine & my husbands relationship their mommy & myself hated each other, but once we quit listening to everyone else & truly got to know each other that hatred dissolved. So PLEASE as a parent/step parent take into consideration the effect your behavior/attitude will have on your kids, because as hard as it may seem for you, it is 100% worse for them.

    • It’s great when you can overcome differences. Unfortunately like any relationship all are as unique as the ppl involved.
      I wish my ex had married a good caring woman who wanted to be a mom to my son and love him like her own. Instead he’s been tormented because her hatred of me tho she doesn’t know me. I left my ex no regrets no bitterness just needed to be happy….both of us. She was the latest of his flings so maybe she’s bitter.
      She has our son keeping secrets bad ones that have do with his safety and mental well being. She was instrumental in the breakdown of my exs relationship with our 3 eldest sons. He had a granddaughter he has yet to meet and is now 1.5 yrs old.
      They’ve called my yes I said MY sons every filthy name in the book.
      She rules their household and he allows it.
      She’s physically came out me twice.
      How do I rectify this? How do I co parent when all that I get is anger?
      Not all of us ex wives go in hating the new woman unfortunately some make it impossible.

  63. I had the chills run through my body reading this letter. What amazing women! I pray that I am never in this position, but If for some unforseen reason I do, I do wish that I could look past everything and see things as these women see them. I, too, want the best for my children and this is the type of life a child of divorce should have. It is never the child’s fault and they should never be put in the middle. They deserve the chance to have a happy life! Again, you two are amazing!

  64. Not every step-mom comes into the picture like this. How lovely yours did. My kids step-mom was very young when their dad met her. Legal, but, young and loved to party. She started the relationship off with being down right disrespectful. Now years later, she has completely taken their father way from them. He isn’t allowed to call or see them ever. A few times they tried to call him and she made them speak to her first before he was allowed to talk. Its been several years, and we all have moved on. Except her. She still stalks us all on social media. She is honestly the worst person I could have been given to even attempt to co-parent with. Through out the years I have thought many times, maybe she has matured by now & then she does something crazy again. I’m glad I have always gone with my gut feeling about her even when she tried to be decent (which I could count on 1 hand how many times that was) I was just recently informed by the ex’s family she was arrested for leaving her toddler home alone and the toddler crawled into the highway.

  65. I am a stepmom, my stepdaughter is now 20 but was 3 when I officially became her stepmom. Being a stepmom is one of the hardest jobs (for lack of a better term) ever. It’s thankless, and heartbreaking at times, you really have to look at yourself if see if you can become THAT close with another persons child/children, especially if their mother (and her family) is going to treat you as badly as I have been treated over the years. Just remember NEVER speak badly about your stepchildres mom or family members in front of them. ALWAYS show them respect, let them be the fools not you. My stepdaughter and I are VERY close, her mother says terribly things about me both to her, and others. She treats me terribly and does mean childish things like trying to trip me so I will fall on my face. I love this letter, it’s so great to see somebody is able to have a good relationship with their stepchild AND her mom. Its so much more healthy for everyone involved. What a great example for your children.

  66. I am a Step mom and I wish that I could say that any of the great things said here was the way things are between my kids mom and I. That is not the case she is vindictive hurtful and angry. I met my husband shortly after they separated and were going through a divorce, I met his kids when he got hurt at work and needed help with them while he was recovering. My kids mom lives in her own world where she was beat and battered by the man I married, I truly came out of an abusive relationship at the time, and I know that she was not abused or controlled by my wonderful loving husband. My kids believe that he really did hurt her and them for years while they were together, but the disrespect that they showed their father was terrible, over the years I have come to learn that I am controlled by a woman I have never met hated by the same said woman and loved by my wonderful step kids who have learned to not be as disrespectful to their father and that it is important to eat vegetables and the state does not get involved because I said you have to try them lol
    Loving my place in this family even with all the complications wouldn’t give up the kids that came with him or the ones that came before and after.
    wtg moms and step moms that work together to make a difficult situation better.

  67. This is so touchy. I read this and was filled with lots of emotion. I was a step parent, and I also have children of my own. I had to deal with two different mother, and it was hard. I can only hope that if my children do become step children to someone else that they fit the mold of being loving, understanding, compassionate, and just what my family needs

  68. This is an amazing letter. And I hope to one day be like this with my son’s step-mother. The woman my ex is currently with I cannot bring myself to even talk to. He cheated on me and left me for her while I was pregnant with our first and only child. She knew he was in a relationship. I just lost all respect for her and haven’t been able to gain it back at all. They’ve been together for over a year. They don’t live together and she is only around every now and then so until they get serious, I see no reason to befriend her. I don’t think they will last either…he’s been cheating on here too. But I always imagined I would have a great co-parenting relationship with my exes new girl…I guess only time will tell.

  69. I wish all separated families could be more like this. Unfortunately I really did have an evil step mother and my mom was always nice. My step mom took my dad out of my life. By his choice but because of her I haven’t seen him in nearly ten years. He’s missed out on graduations, marriages, grandchildren, etc. She stole him away when I needed him must and I’m still paying for it as an adult. 😦

  70. I wish that my mom and stepmom would get along this way… My mom refuses to even meet her, she thinks that my stepmom is a selfish lazy tramp. 😢😣 she’s really nice, but so is my mom. They’ve just never been nice to each other.

    • You can’t take someone away if they truly want to be there they would be . Kids like to blame the ” new partner or wife ” it’s on the perents to play what roll they choose to play

      • I don’t blame either of my parents or my step mom. My parents were just to the point were it got violent and it wasn’t safe for me and my sisters. They got divorced and my dad met my step mom, but my mom never met anyone. She struggles because half of her life she is alone and she grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Both of her parents died before she even turned forty. They we 50 and 55. Both of my parents have so many reasons to be angry with the world that they forget to be happy.

  71. I absolutley love this letter, definitely made me tear up. You are brave strong woman to write this cudos to you momma! I am a step mother of 4 with two different birth mothers.
    And that was me a young 24 year old, pretty, perky with an infecious smile. And now I am 31 with a son of my own, I have been a motherless daughter since I was 13 and raised in foster care. The mother of the eldest two I have never had to deal with, but the youngest I have. We are very different people she is more of a friend to her children than a parent. I figure kids have enough friends they need a mentor and structure in their lives. Our house is Not a playground, its a home. this is where we differ in parenting.

  72. I wished my husband’s ex-wife and I could have had this type of relationship, for the sake of our daughter. His ex-wife was so upset when we started dating, then more upset to hear we were getting married. She and her husband took it out on our daughter, by not allowing her to say anything about her dad or me while at her mother’s house. This was so hard for our daughter, as her mom had lost custody of her at a young age and was just coming back into her life. She felt so torn. Thankfully, we do not have to deal with it anymore, as my husband has full custody and any visitation for her mom is to be supervised. We haven’t heard from her since 2008 and our daughter no longer refers to her as her mom. I am now mom and have been in her life longer than her biological mom.

  73. I’ve been a stepmom for 14 years now and I have to say I know exactly how everyone feels about the situation it wasn’t always easy,my stepson’s mom was in and out his entire life. The times she was around she wanted to tell me I will never be nothing to him that I couldn’t decipline him or do nothing good for him,she would say this in front of him,so he would disrespect the whole time. When she left for two years then he finally realized who was truly there for him,so that made it easier. He graduated from highschool an she thought she was going to take the credit on how far he went in life well my husband let her know,and then she finally thanked me for always being there for him when she wasnt. He is now in college and we haven’t heard from her since highschool graduation I think he has seen her a couple of times but he knows who has been there and I love him as my own.I have 3 children and never treated them unequal than the other. The day he left for college he hugged me tight for the second time in his life and said for the first time that he lived me and thanked me for being his mom,my heart melted in a million pieces I cried of course.

  74. My husband married me and my daughter when she was just 3 months old. We didn’t have to deal with him being step dad as 29 and 3/4 years later he has never seen her. We married our dad!

  75. I, too, am a stepmom. oh, how I wish my story were different. My husband and I have brought up his daughters to be respectfull, giving, and thoughtful….having only Sundays. His ex-wife never allowed us to have more time…except maybe Christmas Eve. His ex-wife has tried and succeeded in foiling all of our values and kindness. His daughters have now excluded us from their lives, after we have helped them with school projects, gone to parent-teacher conferences, offered to take them on family vacations, (which his ex-wife wouldn’t let them accompany us on), played board games on Sundays, we have attended their dance recitals, given over a quarter of a million dollars in child support, We bought each of them a car. And, now, they don’t speak to us. So much for being grateful. My husband and I are hurt, but we do not judge. God will judge them.

    • So sorry…I don’t understand women like that. They have let their personal emotions interfer with their judgement. Kids need both parents and if that includes a step parent that loves and cares for their child as their own it’s a bonus. So many kids have parents that don’t want them in their lives.
      When these kids become parents they will see all that the missed out on.
      This is happening with my bf’s exes. Yet they do call and say his kids when they need/want something they can’t afford…yet no time is allowed to be spent with the kids which is priceless.
      Know you did what you could out of love….

  76. This brought tears to my eyes. It is so beautiful and is so true. If the parents could see past their own feelings, and realize that is truly best for the children is for everyone to work together to raise them. The children are already dealing with so many different emotions when their parents divorce. Sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, abandonment, and at fault just to name a few. We need to quit being so selfish and more selfless because how we handle the “unplanned” life change is molding our children into the type people they will become and how they will handle adversity when it comes in their life. We need to quit using our children as pawns to be played in whatever direction or game we seem fit to go. After all, this was NOT their plan either.

  77. This is how co-parenting should be. I have been a stepmom for the past 20 years and my stepdaughters mom and I have a great relationship. Life is what it is. Women need to be mature enough to rise above any anger, jealousy, or insecurity they may feel and just be a grownup. You have to always remember that it’s not the child’s fault that you’re in a co-parenting situation. Expend the energy on being a good parent instead of hating on the other mother. I guarantee life is much more peaceful and rewarding when parents and stepparents can rise above it all and just get along.

  78. Great story I loved it. I have a daughter from a previous marriage also. And sometimes, its been rough, but now that our daughter realizes that it wasn’t my wife’s fault our her brother, but her real mother’s not showing her what real love is between a mother and daughter.
    My wife and my daughter (our’s) get along great, she treats her like a mom not a step mother. They get alone better than her and her real mom.
    She finally realized that my wife loved her just like her own child. Now we have a granddaughter that we watch everyday.
    Again thanks

  79. Gosh I only wish it could be like this withmy sstep sons mom. She told herself that she hated me before she ever met me. And she has stuck to that. The first time she mey me she came busting in my husbands house with out knocking and I was sitiing on the couch playing with my now step son and she just started screaming calling me foul names and wanted to fight me right infront of her son. It is 4 yeads lated and I have tried so many times to get on a level like this story or even anywhere better than where we stand now and she wants no part of that. She refuses to be nice and actually tells my son to come to my house and be bad so I will leave his dad and mommy and daddy can get back together. It is horrible I hate it my son shoukdnt have his mom telling him to do such things. And telling him he can’t love me it is just sad. I can only dream I had this relationship with her. She has been criminally charged with stealing with my son with her and i tried to help her but of course i was a bit*** for that… one day maybe….#inmydreams

    • I am in the same boat. Just smile, keep your head high and let her remain in the same exact place spinning her wheels. No one ever got anywhere spinning their wheels! Pray for her and her happiness. It does help, as hard as it may be at times due to how you’re treated. We are the better person for taking the high road. It is, however, exhausting!! 🙂

    • Same here……my husbands ex has tried to make my life miserable and even told her kids to do the same. I refuse to be bullied, but it makes life hard

    • I am not condoning her behaviour at all. She should be trying to be civil with you.

      But perhaps you could refer to HER son as your step-son or, simply, just his name. For a mom it can be very hard for a step-part to call their child their own. Treat him like you own, but no need to call him you son. As he isn’t your son, legally or biologically.

      I find step-moms over step their boundaries with the real mom, causing issues. Little things can cause huge issues, especially if you are dealing with a challenging mom.

      • Sara, Perhaps you should re-read this.

        “I promise to always respect your input for our daughter. I promise to never lessen the position you hold in her life or make you feel like you are not her mother”

        She is doing nothing wrong by saying it is her “son”.. I am sure he and she are both aware it is her step-son. I have a large blended family here, and it is rough when you have the mother of your step-children acting like this. I am both a mother, and step-mother and I know exactly what it is like and still do not mind if the “other parent/mother/father” refers to them as their “son or daughter” as long as they are good to them as referenced in this read.

        Beautiful letter and I love it!! I have this kind of relationship with one “step-mother”, but it is rough with another.

      • I have a step son, step daughter & a son that my husband and I have together. My question to you as a mother is, why would you NOT want someone to think of your child as their own? To love & care for like their own? Should I ever find myself on the other side of things, I could only pray that my son would have a step mom to love him like that. You say step mom’s over step their boundaries, but maybe birth mom’s are insecure? As a mother my love for my child would destroy any insecurities or jealousy. It’s another story if said step mom was being hateful to my child, but you are basing this off of her calling him “her son.” Why wouldn’t you want your child to be loved???

      • I agree with you Sara – thank you for pointing that out. I am divorced and sadly, have a very hatful relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. That is just one thing she does to manipulate…calls MY son, or my ex-husband’s and mine’s son, HER son. She even set up a Facebook pagefor him and listed herself as his mother. She posts photos of my son on Facebook calling him hers, and making statements about him, which I have politely (and then un politely) asked her not to do. She does it anyway. There is zero respect either way. The complete opposite as described in this article. The kids didnt choose the divorce, neither did they get to choose step-mommy dearest.

      • When people get divorced, sometimes it is one-sided. I NEVER asked for my husband to have an affair and move out. I took him back several times to try to work through it. I didn’t want a divorce. I didn’t want to be replaced in my husband’s life, let alone my children’s. I will make the best of what I’ve been dealt, but that doesn’t mean I’m thrilled to share parental responsibility with a stranger i had no choice in.

      • I get what your saying Sara, if I wasn’t on good terms with my son’s step mom I’d be furious if she called him her son, especially when you haven’t known the child long enough, maybe 10 yrs later, with a bad relationship with mom, then you could start saying son, but 4? Ha, no.

    • That is really sad. I don’t understand why parents can’t put their BS aside and do what is best for their kids. Kids are put in the middle so often and it sickens me that parents don’t seem to care what it is doing to their kid(s). I hope things get better for you and your kid. Most people are divorced in my family, but pretty much everyone has kept things friendly.

      • Doing what you think is best for the kids…can turn out to be the worst thing when it includes leaving a marriage where you are treated as property. I have tried for years tying to love and respect my children’s step-mother. I have put up with her treating “our children” and me like we are some cruel joke. I have always said that she took on more than most second wives would. I even tried trying to take up for her, thinking my ex treats her as he did me. But at the end of the day, I am left with my children seeing me cut out of every picture in her house, her complete distain for me, and her treating my children as a nuisance and reminder that she doesn’t have biological children. So please forgive me… I am happy the writer was lucky enough to have a fairytale relationship with the second mother…. But some of us have to live in a Grimms Fairytale reality. So for me those are MY children, not hers.

    • My step daughets mother is the same way. She is such a hateful person. I have been with my husband for 6 years. My step daughter was 2 when we got together. I have always treated her as my own. But her mom hates me for no reason and constantly calls me horrible names to my step daughter(I only find out Cuz my SD tells me) which is so sad. Why would you wanna do that to your make them hateful to. Her mom wonders why she wants to be with us more which makes her hate me more. But her mom isn’t the best mom she needs a huge reality check. She puts her needs before her kids. Anyways not getting into all that it just upsets me. I wish I had a great relationship with her. I would love to help her and be friends even. I unfortunately don’t think that will ever happen. It’s truly sad I have told her that it is only going to hurt her but she won’t listen. I just don’t want my sd to be hateful and think it’s okay to act and treat people like she mom does

    • Wow… that is horrible.. A adult acting like that should be ashamed. Telling a kid to behave badly, putting them in middle… having kids do things like this is very bad… mother needs to be forced to a co-parenting class…

  80. Being a step daughter, I have had nothing but step monsters
    I’ve had ones to abuse me and my brother emotionally and physically and everything and my more recent one I have is making my dad cut me and my brother off and everything

    This is the greatest thing ever it’s exactly how it should be and needs to be ❤️ God bless females like her❤️

    • She can’t “make” your dad do anything…he’s either weak or incompetent. If he’s weak, there’s nothing you can do, he’s making his choice. If he’s incompetent, look into having him committed. My father chose a new wife over his kids. She had her demands, but he chose to give into them, she didn’t hold a gun to his head.

      • You’re so right….as awful as my exes new wife is and all the destruction she has caused….my children’s father ultimately allows it because he is a weak bitter spiteful man.
        Very sad that what they have in comman is all negative and its what binds them

      • @ Dawn & @ Mommabearof4: They thrive on the hatred, negativity and backbiting. That is a huge part of their daily relationship in its entirety and it’s sad and it’s unfortunate but as I set and type this you can bet that I am correct in that statement. It spills over to the kids whether they, in their selfishness, ever come to admit it or not. It’s sad beyond words. I could go on, explaining my dealings with exactly what I just typed but I’d probably be writing your stories as well. 🙂

      • Yes it sounds like you very well could write my story as well or that of my sons. Ours sons went from having a very attentive loving dad to one that don’t recognize at all.
        It’s so sad by boys tried to forge a relationship with her for their dad. Yet she proved time and time again who and what she was about. It’s gotten to the point our 3 eldest haven’t spoken to him in 2 yrs and each has been cussed at and treated like dirt. I have a son that is gay and he was called such hateful names by his father and his wife. Sadly we still have a 12 yr old that spends time with them. He’s been terrorized by her w/o his father stepping in….I was told not by him initially. My son has become very secretive and is made to feel guilty by them.
        As you could as well….I could go on and on…..So I will never see any co parenting with them.

    • You sound just like a person who appeared in my life that I wasn’t prepared for. It was a tragedy for all involved. The person and her twin are no longer in our lives and it is sad. You only get one family and you should cherish it and not jump to conclusions. Forgiveness is an amazing thing! God bless you too!

    • You sound like a person who appeared in my life that I wasn’t prepared for. It was a tragedy for all involved. The person and her twin brother are no longer in our lives and it is sad. You only get one family and you should cherish it and not jump to conclusions. Forgiveness is an amazing thing! God Bless you too!

  81. You sound like a really, really wonderful mother. I wish my daughter’s mother could be as enlightened. She has a new man and I am over the moon that he is a good man. I figure the more people that look after my daughter the better. Thanks for a beautiful post. This goodness will come back to you many times over, I am sure…

  82. This is almost identical to my family. I have a wonderful step daughter and her mother and I are very close. She is also Godmother to my son and adores our daughter (both from her ex husband). The world would be a better place if every divorced family could be as close as we are. I an truly blessed and thankful for my step daughter and her mother.

    • Stay true to what’s best for the child, it’s SO hard but one day you will reap the rewards, I promise! I have been through it too….

  83. This absolutely touched every single piece of my soul! As tears filled my eyes, it was impossible to hold them back. To know that others share my pain as a stepmom makes me hopeful to have this type of relationship with my daughters mom, eventually. Unfortunately, it is extremely unlikely at the present time. I continue to pray and keep God close to me in every encounter. Hopefully, His presence will take control and the outcome will be different in the near future. Thank you for this inspiration.

  84. I wanted to leave you a picture, but it won’t let me put it here. It is of my mom, my stepmom, and myself at my wedding. Your story is truly amazing, and I too can relate to your daughter, the only difference is now I’m all grown up with children of my own.

  85. … it is sad that this is the exception and NOT the rule …. this sort of “fairy tale” kinda of story is truly great where it really happens … but the sin of Adultery usually curses future relationships … it takes a lot of forgiveness and unconditional love from all sides … after having my handshake of peace turned down my stepfather weasel, he has ,flipped me off in front of my children, jumped up in my face twice and pushed me twice … he just doesn’t appreciate the Ass Whipping he deserves and apparently didn’t get from his parents …. Lord help me forgive him …. if he would only stop doing stupid stuff !!

    • Phillip – You are sadly, so very right… This was my exact thoughts as I was reading this beautiful story… This is the exception and more times than not – the rule… I hope that this story puts some inspiration into the hearts that badly need it – This Mother no doubt has God in her heart – BIG time, I commend her, and respect the peanuts out of her! ❤

  86. Although I have a step-son I honestly wish that his mother and I could have this kind of relationship. It is not, nor will it ever be, in the cards. It is also not my doing, this lack of a relationship and back biting that I receive. After trying to find some kind of common ground I had to stop for fear of going insane in trying to understand why none could/can be found. I pray things will change, all of the time, but over three years later it is no better and mostly worse. I do, however, have a daughter of my own and her dads girlfriend and I get along, discuss my daughter, speak when in close proximity, have a mutual respect. I believe that this is due to my mine and my ex-husband’s post married relationship. Our kiddos are first. Kudos to this woman and her open heart regarding her daughter’s happiness. It goes a long, long way and her daughter will never forget her mother’s actions and behavior.

  87. To live in a world of win win is a great gift. To be able to rise above our feelings and see the big picture is a true gift for happy living

  88. This is exactly how co-parenting is with our children. This story is so touching and these women are brave and to read this touches my soul to know there are people out there like Brandi and myself! Thank you Brandi for telling me about this amazing story. I love you, your truly my best friend.

    • Neither was gay marriage but that’s going on. I think God understands tht sometimes it is best for all involved to not live together and fight all the time. If divorce is done after every method to remedy the problem has been attempted, and it is because the couple grew apart/grew in different directions, then I feel He is forgiving….

  89. This also brought tears to my eyes! I try so hard to co-parent with my two step daughter’s mother but she won’t have no part of me being a part of the co-parenting plan! I txt her and ask her questions b4 we make any discussions with the kids but she tells me its between her and their dad! Maybe one day her and i will have a better relationship co-parenting!

  90. This really touched me. Meeting my husband in june of 2014, marrying him on 11/14 was within only 5 months. He has two teen sons from his previous relationship, I also have a teen and 9 year old daughter. 4 kids between us. But in the beginning his ex was so against us. But i know his kids accept me, and that’s all that matters to me. In an ideal world, everyone would get along and juSt be adults. I have no clue if she and I will ever get along. If she ever wanted to meet me, I would be all for it. But i don’t see that happening. All I can wish for is his kids liking me, the love will come later. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, and step father to my kids.

    • We tried this and started off strong and then we stumbled. Due to the immaturity of the birth mother and the inability to move forward and “forgive” all has gone to hell. I seem to find myself not loving the child less, just not being as involved as I once was. I feel as the situation deteriorated the child is put in the middle so the less involvement of me, the less wrath for the child. Not the way I want it to be but I cannot change ones heart or mind. It is hurtful when I read negative things she puts on social media about me. It is just her view…….but none the less still hurtful. As the years continue, nothing changes and the child thinks this behavior is normal.

    • Stay strong, and keep plugging forward. It may have taken some years, but my stepsons (almost 16 and 13) finally started saying I love you back to me about a year ago. I cried the first time. I still tear up. You will go through hard times, and easy times. Stay fair and do everything out of love.

  91. I feel this way as well. But I also am very protective over my step son when it comes to his biological mother. I have and still try to keep the relationship cordial. My husband and I have custody of my step son. It has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. He struggles because his mom struggles. She has been in and out of legal trouble and brought a lot of things around my step son that no child should ever be around. It all depends on the situation I guess. It is truly sad to see my step son long for a relationship with his mom that she is incapable of providing him. I have always told him “I am not your mother and I never want to replace her, but I do want to be A mother to you and despite everything I will always be here for you”. He has hit me, kicked me, hurt my children, hurt children in school, admittedly tried to ruin our marriage, and so much more. But now that he is getting older and mom has stepped out of his life even more and knowing I have always been constant. He is now starting to come around. I thought we would never get there. It’s been 7 years and he is just about to turn 13. I do believe mom not being a constant in his life has helped him mature. He doesn’t have the back and forth of seeing one side break laws and lie and the other side live in the opposite light. I have struggled with his behavior but have also grown to understand that him seeing such opposite behavior from people who are suppose to be his role models to learn from has been confusing. Every situation is different and if parents can co-parent that is amazing. I wish we had this option. My step son would have been a lot more comfortable and had a more stable upbringing.

  92. Though my girls’ mother and I, may not be this affectionate, we are definitely on the same page!! I love those girls like my own and their mother knows it! She also knows that I would do ANYTHING for her!! Her daughters were 4 and 2 when I moved in with their father (16 yrs ago) and I told her then……I would do whatever it takes to make sure they all 3 were okay!! I knew the love had to start with their mother!! How could I love them if I didn’t love their mother enough to respect her!! 16 Years later and our special blended families (your, mine, ours) are wonderful. Her kids, my kids, OUR kids, are all such well adjusted teens!! The kids are all better people because of the adult relationships in their lives and I am so confident that they will carry these learned lessons into their future!! When you truly do put the children first…everything falls into a lovely place!!

  93. In a perfect world, divorce would be rainbows and sunshine. But that is not reality. If your role was once “other woman” YOU have pretty much guaranteed that the child’s mother will not like you. Why should they? Oh wait, because it’s “for the children”? So was NOT pursuing a married man with children. THAT would have been best “for the children”. Other women claim that they love your kid, ha! I’m sure they weren’t thinking about the children when they were helping to break up an intact family.

    I’ve seen many amicable divorces where this article plays out to be very much true. But, sleeping with someone else’s husband and then wanting to play “mommy” to someone else’s child is disgusting and you can guarantee that you will never be seen as a good person.

    • Just because she is beautiful and young does not mean she is or ever was “the other woman.” Take your rant elsewhere, it doesn’t apply here.

      • She didn’t say the woman in the article was the other woman. She is saying that this article doesn’t apply when adultery is involved. Stay open minded to other views. Especially if tgey are views you have no experience with.

    • Most of us are NOT THE OTHER WOMAN. We didn’t come along until years later, once the divorce had already happened. Shame on you for lumping us all together like that. I am deeply appalled and offended. I have busted my butt to get along with my hubby’s ex (I met my hubby 2 years post divorce). But she is so hateful and spiteful, even though she is engaged to the father of her 9 yr old. Your comment is ridiculous and shows a lot of hurt caused in your own life. By the way, it is not the other woman’s fault that the husband cheats… it is the husbands. He is a grown man and can say no, if he values his marriage and respects his wife. Blame the hubby, not the other woman… he allowed her to be the other woman… and many times, they don’t even know they are the other woman until crap hits the fan. Take your negativity somewhere else, because it is useless here.

      • Kudos to you for not being a mistress. This is absolutely the type of relationship I would want with my ex’s new partner if she wasn’t sleeping with him while he was married to me. She knew about me and the kids and didn’t care. I need not play nice with a woman who put her needs before MY kids. And yes, I blame the ex but I have to co parent with him because HE is the other parent so I keep silent regarding him. I don’t speak poorly of him nor tell the kids bad things about him.

        You sound like the kind of woman I would want in our lives. I however, do not and never will accept someone who finds nothing wrong with what she did. I’m allowed to be disgusted by her. She should be ashamed and she is a poor example of how a woman should act.

      • You are very ignorant. Yes, it is ALSO, the husband’s fault, but it does NOT eliminate blame from the other woman. Like it or not, a vast number of divorces are caused by infidelity. So whether you were the other woman or came along years later the first wife is in a situation she didn’t ask for. In fact, the man you are with promised her to forsake all others and then betrayed her. Do you think you will be any different? Better yet, why would anyone want to be with a man that would destroy the one person he promised to take care of? That is a serious lack of self-esteem.

    • I completely agree with you! While this is a lovely “idea” the other woman will always be the other woman! Half the reason why my husband left me and his infant son.

    • Not always,
      I completely agree with you! I had a situation a LOT like what the others on here are talking about. My stepson was 4 when I came into his life and it was a huge struggle his whole childhood for his mother and I to get along. I was NOT the other woman! They had already been apart 3 years (or longer) when we met. I took measures to be sure they were “really” apart and that I wasn’t the other woman. However, if a woman does what your ex husband’s current wife did, she does not deserve to ever be excepted by you or your children! You’re right! Had she ever really cared for your children she wouldn’t have broken up their family! Shame on her! I also agree that you and your child/childrens dad have no choice but to co parent. I pray that God brings you peace and that one day you are dealt a hand far better than the one were dealt before.

  94. This is such a fairytale. God NEVER intended for divorce. In fact, he hates it. I realize that things happen that are beyond one’s control and a divorce is the result. However, this is the kind of crap that makes people believe that they are going to “make their divorce work.”

    • Jen, you make your divorce work for no one else but the kids that are product of the divorce. It is not their fault that their parents could not find a way to stay together, it is not always the parents fault entirely either. God never intended for divorce, I wholeheartedly agree but I would bet that He wouldn’t want us divorced parents running around causing misery to the children who are left to cope. This blog is not a fairytale if divorced parents would realize that just because their marriage failed hatred is not the immediate next emotion to enter. If the kiddos are put very, very first in the situation of divorce then it IS possible to make life as easy and good as possible for them. In reality it sucks for us all, but the kiddos should feel the least of the suck.

  95. I wish my daughters step mom and I could have this type of relationship or close to it. I wish she had a better relationship with my daughter as well. When my daughter was younger (before teen years) and before she had her own children it was a little better. Makes MW sad we aren’t able to co parent like this

  96. i share the same relationship with my children’s stepmother. She has become one of my best friends. We often all spend holidays together. My ex and her have a new baby who is like having my own. Thank u for this.

  97. This would be amazing if it always worked out like this… but alas, it does not. There are always bad apples on either side of the equation, and unfortunately it is the kids that suffer. I have been stepmom to my husbands first 2 boys since they were 7 and 4… they are now going on 16 and 13. I have raised them, treated them and loved them the same as if I gave birth to them. Even when we had 2 boys together, there is no preferential treatment. I have taught them right from wrong, played with them, helped them with school work, encouraged them and cheered for them in sports, clothed them, bathed them, fed them, LOVED them. I tried so hard with their mother, but she is bipolar, and even though she is engaged and has a 9 year old with her fiancé, she still sees me as a threat. Her lack of parenting, using the kids to get her way, verbally and emotionally abusing them for many years, and showing no concern for their health or education is all appalling. Those boys call me from their moms house when they are sick, or from school when they break their arm at football practice, because they know I will drop what I am doing and get them the care they need. Like a parent is supposed to. Like someone who loves them is supposed to do. She actually had the nuts to act like she wanted to have a civil conversation one day a few years ago, with my husband present. She walked into our house and started yelling at me that I was not their mother, they already had 2 parents, and I was supposed to act like they weren’t even there when they came over. I was shocked. I was disgusted. How could anyone want their childrens needs to be ignored? She said I was not allowed to feed them, wash their clothes, take them to school, work on fair projects, or anything else that makes her look bad. Really? If I make her look bad by doing the things my mother did with me as a kid, then it isn’t me that has a problem…. it is her. She needs to step up and start acting like they are her kids, and not her paychecks. We are now in a custody battle, and things are getting ugly. They have lived with us more than half the time for the last 6 years, and my husband wants the courts to acknowledge that. When they divorced, AZ was a mother state, but it is now a 50/50 state. She tells my husband they are her kids, not his, and she can leave to Mexico with them anytime. She is furious because the court is lowering her child support payments to show the shared custody… $836 down to $196 per month. And the sad thing is she blows the money on tvs and clothes for herself and family back in Mexico, and the boys ask to take food from our house to hers so they have something to eat. It has been a long hard battle at times with the boys, but things are great now. Too bad it will never be that way with their mother… Thank you to those of you birthmoms that recognize we are not always the enemy, but the ally. If you only knew how many times we have saved your child from a butt whoopin or a grounding. If you only knew how hard it is for us to answer questions about sex and religion…. because they do ask us those questions. I am the one who had the sex talk with the boys, because they cannot talk to her religious zealot self that thinks if she prays while camping for 3 days, her sons paralyzed face will heal by itself. Her under reactions and overreactions borderline on abusive, but because we hear about it from the boys, we cannot do anything about it. Please understand we are not trying to take your place. But if you are not doing right by your kids and we are, then it will look that way.

  98. Brianna this naught tears to my eyes just know I will always be here for you franklin and Chloe ….I love you with all my heart and soul……..Kim.

  99. I am sorry but I disagree. While I understand respecting the new wife and being pleasant- they are not the parent and should take no responsibility over a child that is not there’s.

  100. This sounds a lot like the story of my boys, my babymamas, and me. We somehow made it on a 6000 mile album release tour last summer with the whole gaggle in just one Toyota minivan, and still loved each other at the end. That’s not something I saw coming 8 years ago when the divorce was underway.

  101. This is beautiful!!! Its rare when a mother can accept another woman in her daughter’s life. You are a beautiful woman and have a heart of gold.

  102. I had this with my step dad. I was a daddy’s girl from the word go. My daddy set my mother and step dad up. Strange from the get go. Now I look back and think maybe it was daddy’s way of making sure I could still be a daddy’s girl because not long after my mother and step father got together my daddy found out he had stage four brain cancer. He passed way in 2002 so when I got married in 2007 my step dad walked me down the aisle. Pops has
    been gone almost two years but I am still so blessed to have had two great dads. Until we meet again Jim( Daddy) and Jimmy(Pops).

  103. This made me cry. I know people are shocked at the relationship I have with my stepson’s mom, but she is an amazing person. She treats me with such kindness, and she is family to me. People say it’s so nice that we get along for the boy, but it’s more than that. Mom and stepdad are extraordinary people, and I am blessed to be part of their family.

  104. i am a father of a 15 yr old girl/young woman. I and her mother divorced several years ago. I remarried just over 2 years ago. My wife and former spouse have a co-parenting relationship like this. Both of these women have been able to put first what is best for our daughter. They have shown grace, compassion, respect and love that seems inexhaustible. It has not always been easy, but they WORKED through the awkwardness, uncomfortableness and questions of un-understanding from others. My wife and former spouse are remarkable women who are raising a wonderful young women despite my meddling fatherly ways. I and my daughter are incredibly lucky and blessed.

  105. That is so sweet. I really wish my ex-husband & current husband could be friends but that will never happen. Now I only pray there will be peace during our girl’s wedding.

  106. Love this story… I met my now husband back in 1990 and his children were 4 yrs old (his son) and (his daughter) 9 yrs old . I was 23 and I had no children.
    Our daughter had it out for me from the get go, She was a typical 9 yr old girl that wanted her parents back together. His son was oblivious to what was really going on.
    Anyway, his ex-wife went Crazy when she found out that he was seeing someone. She left him just a FYI.. she moved the kids out of state. They only got to see there dad over summer for 11 weeks and 2 weeks at Christmas.
    His Ex used to call and yell and throw tantrums and spewing threats. We met face to face about 7 yrs later and Im happy to say that we talked it out and she apologized for being such a crazy lady. She understands that I love both OUR children and she knows that I would defend them with my life.
    Our daughter and I are great now, after 24 yrs of being “Mother Daughter” we have a better relationship now .I have been there for her when she needed me and I can say its has not always been easy lol.. We have had our ups and downs. She is now 33 and expecting a baby boy in April (hopefully on my B-day) and she invited me to the Ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby last week.
    I love all 3 of my children and I would do anything to protect all of them . My children 2 boy’s 29 & 14(son with my husband) and our daughter 33.
    It’s not easy being a Step-Parent but, I would not change it for the world. It made me grow up fast. Love all my kids to the Moon and Back!

  107. I love this. My ex-husband and I have 3 children together, and I re-married about 4 years ago and have a son with my husband. My ex and my husband get along so well, sometimes I have to tell my husband it’s time for my ex to go home! (He’s an ex for a reason, ya know 😉 ) I travel frequently for work, and my ex will stay at my house with my husband while I’m gone to co-parent with him. And when my husband and I took a long weekend vacation recently, guess who stayed with the kids – ALL of them? Yup. My ex adores my little son, and my husband does the best he can to have good relationships with my teens. It hasn’t always been easy, but the fact that the two of them not only get along, but are genuinely friends, makes all the difference in the world.

    It truly is about putting your children first. We made a decision early on that the children would not be used as pawns or weapons, and we have respected each other’s places as parents right from the beginning. Again, not always easy, but when the kids thank me for inviting Dad to the family BBQ, because it makes them feel good to have both of their parents there, I know it’s totally worth it.

    Thanks for sharing such a beautiful story!

  108. This is an incredibly gracious message, and I wish all people could see it this way. My parents divorced when I was 12, for good reason. They were “irreconcilable differences” personified. The years went by, they both dated, but never got serious with anyone, until our father got serious with a woman when I was in my early 20’s. At that point, I (and the rest of my siblings) was raised, educated, and employed, so he really owed me nothing, but she didn’t want us talking, so she further strained our already strained relationship by hanging up on me if I called, to the point that I’d only call him at work. Then, he died suddenly and unexpectedly. My siblings and I (all same mother and father…as I said, they never really had serious relationships after their decades-long marriage fell apart) made the funeral arrangements and set about to settling the estate. She didn’t even bother to show up to the funeral, but showed up to his house almost a week later as we were moving furniture out and preparing the house for sale demanding “her due.” My younger brother is, fortunately, slightly less hot-tempered than I/the rest of us am/are, so he intercepted her in the driveway and told her he’d check the will and insurance documents and see if she was the beneficiary of anything, but she should go away because she had hung up on the rest of the siblings in the house and we “might not be keen on her being there” (i.e., we would gladly smash a vase over her head and toss the body in a ravine, cartoon-style).

    At the end of it all, she sued us for the house we had all actually lived in for several years (number of years depending on our age at divorce and other factors…my younger brother actually lived there for the longest because he didn’t adjust well to the new school district and lived with our father 75% of the time until 16 so he could keep going to the same schools we grew up with), his retirement account which he had designated us as equal beneficiaries of, his vacation property which he had willed exclusively to my younger brother because they had spent many years hunting and camping there together, and certain personal effects she had in her possession. Of course, she lost, but it added a level of trauma that we didn’t need, especially for my younger brother who was extremely close to our father and had the most to lose in the legal proceedings. I ended up being the “b” who had to go, with the sheriff’s deputy in tow, and collect the personal effects from her. I literally had to take my grandmother’s wedding set off her finger, by force, since, even though the will left it to my older sister and my father had NOT proposed to her, she had lifted it out of the dresser drawer and worn it, claiming she was his “new wife.”

    And typing all that out, even though it happened more than a decade ago, makes me really sad for the awesome “blended families” I know and love… You get as good as you give, so give good!

  109. I am a step mom my step daughter was 6 months old and my step son was a year old when I meet there daddy when I first met there mother we talked about everything about the kids I refused to discipline them before she said it was okay and the only thing she asked me not to do was to tell them they had to call me mom and I respected that we’ve had our issues in the past but we’ve worked it out she has even lived with my husband and I. My husband I have been married for almost 4 years and my step daughter is now 5 and my step son is 6 and my husband and i come get the kids every weekend and there mother and I talk almost everyday! I am so thankful that we get along so well because our kids love there mom and I and its better if we can get along for them! I love them like they are my own! And since day one they have been without a dought my number one priority!!!!<3

  110. I hava a fabulous relationship with my stepdaughter’s mom. We are not BFF’s but we are friends. We have been from the start. It is not always easy. It is really hard wor. However it only enhances my stepdaughters life. I knew when I married my hubby that she and her mom were part of the deal. We both made the effort to get to know each other and it paid off. I love them both and they love me.

  111. Absolutely beautiful & Well written.. def made me cry, as a mother to one in Heaven as Well as Two here.. Always remember to love your babies!!!

  112. @not always on, i feel your exact pain even tho we were not married as well his w#@!$ (Andrea) and him are not together she tried desperately to become a stepmom to my daughter and even lied about being able to get pregnant just so she can get pregnant so she could have what i had had at the time. All this while we were together and i had no clue she even existed until he told me. Now she is on victim #3 of trying to catch a family.

  113. Reblogged this on NuReveal Yoga and commented:
    Beautiful story of true LOVE here. Love connects us all. We as a society have grown too far apart from each other. I pray that we all can learn from this letter. These two women learned to overlook whatever society stated the way they should act and chose love instead. Love is the natural way of life. Congratulations, Ladies. Thank you for the example. I wish this becomes the norm for all parents. Moms and Dads alike.

  114. I come from both ends of the spectrum, my children had a step-mom from hell, she was so jealous of my children that she wrecked their relationship with their Dad, that is sad, sadder that he allowed it, I re married and became a step mom to two girls, one was 9 and the other was one, mom was in prison and had no relationship with the one year old, when she got out of prison I went rounds with hubby to allow her to be part of the girls lives, I invited her into our home and helped her get to know our baby who was now five and try to re establish a relationship with our teenage daughter almost fourteen, Mom was a drug addict, I always told the girls she was not a bad person, she just made bad choices, we developed a bond, unfortunately she started using drugs again, it eventually took her life, I feel blessed to be able to give the girls an opportunity to have a relationship with their mom, no matter what, every child deserves to know they are loved, our opinions and feelings should never get in the way of doing what is best for those we love, we don’t use the words step-mom, I did not step in to take mom’s place, they have decided I am mom, they had two moms, I wish my ex husband and his wife would have put the needs of our kids ahead of their own, step parents make a choice to love a child they did not create, if you can’t do that, you have no business marrying someone with children!

  115. Step-mothers can do amazing things at times. they can bring you joy or sadness. they can bring you love or hate. but if you both are mature and think of the children it can work out everyone and all can be very happy in the long run. thank God for step-moms who really care for your children they have the same joys and heartbreaks that you do and they understand where others can not. may God bless all the step-moms of the world who realy become part of the family.

  116. Takes a big person with a huge heart to write that and open your heart for the best of your family … Your a awesome mom and person for this alone !! I am a step parent and wish I had you … boy was it hard with husband’s sons mother !!! May God praise and bless your wonder family of 5 !! PS….. YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL !!!

  117. If only this was the way of all blended families. Respect and thankfulness for those we love us and love our children. May God bless those who try to make it work everyday and may God have mercy on those who don’t.

  118. I have seen a couple posts stating the step parent shouldn’t take responsibility for another’s kid……wake up call…..when you marry someone with kids, you have to take responsibility of their kids at some time…especially if they live with you half the time or more. When I met my step kids dad, he was separated but not legally divorced (this deemed me the other woman to some) and he had four kids….8,7,5 and 3. (I know I should have ran then but nooo, I moved in with him 2-3 weeks after we had our first date lol)
    Three years later, we had custody of 3 of those kids. (We didn’t ‘take’ them from her because she was a bad parent, the boys wanted to live with their dad and the daughter stayed with her mom and her new baby sister–although she did move in with us for a short time after she got out of high school) In that time before and forever after we gained custody, it was a long battle of threats and name calling among other things….a list of which could become a new post… Most of the name calling from their mother was directed at me, but never really TO me..at not least from her, I usually heard about it after the fact. I will admit, at first their dad fell into the ‘name calling game’ but soon followed my lead to NOT say those things to and in front of the kids….and believe me, I had plenty to say lol Sadly this concept was something the mom never really fully understood.
    When they were at my house from the very beginning, I was put into the mom role…I cooked, did laundry (something mom didn’t do when the tables turned and she had kids for the weekend, although it was something she ‘demanded’ when she had custody), took them sports practice/games, school functions, provided medical care and yes,(gasp) even discipline. I also ‘provided’ love, encouragement and support through their successes and failures. Because I wanted to and genuinely loved them. I never did demand their love in return or that they call me mom (which they never did and still don’t) but we did demand respect in a loving and caring way.
    Flash forward 18 years…dad and I divorce, in part because the kids were mostly grown and we grew apart….flash forward another 10 years….I am still in my children’s lives, Yes, I say my children because I helped raise them, and they have called on me since the divorce for advise or just to talk. I am invited to birthday and other parties, most of which the biological mom is not invited or doesn’t attend. They introduce me as their mom to their friends and although they don’t call me mom, I am Grandma to their children. If their friends happen to know the real mom, my kids explain that I am their other mom, the good one lol
    To me, they have never been my step children, and I rarely called them that-only when it was necessary for medical things and such. As some of the other posters have said, I also cried the first time each of them told me they loved me back.
    Unfortunately the real mom still doesn’t have much to say to my face, we are civil to each other but have never become friends.
    Sorry for the long post/rant………….. Want to say to the ‘other’ parents out there…..hang in there and keep doing what is right for the children, they will benefit and remember in the long run.
    To all the biological parents…be thankful there is someone else in your children’s life that does not want to replace you, but will love your child/children as unconditionally as you do.

    To all divorced parents….name calling and back biting does usually happen when newly divorced especially if the divorce was not amicable. It is almost unavoidable, but think.. it all will be remembered by everyone–kids included–if they hear it, make sure they don’t. If your ex is really a bad person and you are not, the kids will eventually figure it out without your input and begin to distance themselves in time. I saw this happen with my kids and have seen it in other’s kids.

    • Shanda, I am in a very similar situation to yours. The main difference being that my boyfriend’s children live with their mother’s parents. They are also separated, but not divorced. We have been together for a year and a half now. Now here is where things differ widely. It is a constant battle for us to even have visits with his 5 sons, who are ages 5, 6, 12, 16, and 17. I, myself, have a 7-year-old son from my previous relationship. Their grandparents seem to have an issue with me being in the boys’ lives and do not want them to spend time with me. It is just amazing the accusations that have been thrown at me. Their mother also dislikes me and accuses me of ‘loving her children too much’. I do love their children, just as I would my own. I also know that I am not, nor will I ever, trying to replace their mother. I will love them, I will be there for them if they ever need me, and, if necessary, I will discipline them. When they enter our home, they are treated no differently than my son is treated. He lives with us full time and his father is no longer in the picture. So his boys are not only given all of the same privileges he receives, but also the same discipline. If they were to be treated differently, it would affect his outlook on us as parents. And the same thing would happen if we treated him differently. The kids all get along very well. His boys don’t understand why they can’t spend time with myself or my son. This is something I am hoping we can put behind us. To resolve this would benefit everyone. I am happy that things worked out so amazingly for you. I can only hope things will work out so well for us.

    • This made me feel so much better. I am in the newlywed phase of a seemingly identical situation. Lots of name calling and demeaning of me the “other” mother with me discouraging it from their father. Their mom really isn’t a good person and I just hope one day they see all the good their dad and I try to bring to their lives even though we are a little stricter. Hopefully there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks for posting!

      • The fact that you just wrote, “their mom really isn’t a good person” pretty much negates anything positive you’re trying to bring to the family table here.

      • I don’t think thats fair. Her venting her frustrations on a internet post doesn’t mean she isn’t bringing positivity to the table when the kids and mom are around. I know I vent frustrations about my step kids mom to friends but have always remained respectful and nice to her and when referencing her to th kids. Even when the kids have given chances talking about how greedy she is, what a drunk she is or how she doesn’t care, I always stick up for her. But that doesn’t mean I won’t vent to others

    • Shanda I can completely see where you are coming from. It is sad that someone would not feel the same as this woman. I too raised three boys, they today are 28, 27, and 24. Being a Mom is all I ever wanted and when my son was born it was not possible to have another, so to meet a man raising his sons we became a wonderful family. Sad that their “real Mom” did not appreciate that I loved the boys all the same and that I cared for them as I did my own son. As a result there have been no nice weddings because they are concerned everyone could not be together for their special day. Very very sad……it was nice that when our son graduated from boot camp he sent us a thank you note and was grateful how we always put them first and that they were the most important when decisions were made, I never thought they would see it but at least one does get it. The kids come first all other things are unimportant. 💜❤️💙love my kids

    • Shanda I really enjoyed reading your comment… U cld prob create a encouraging article as well…. I felt so intouch with you the whole time I read it…. It is a relief to find someone who views bashing the other. Parent unnecessary … The kids will have the opportunity to recognize and decide those opinions for themselves….. In the end they will remember who was there by actions not words … I hope someday my children will realize how blessed they are to have 4 parents who love and sacrifice for them just out of love …. I ha e made it a necessity to include everyone with my children lives and we all respect each other as well

    • I am a mom of 3…my story is very different from everyone elses ….But Shanda’s story really hit home with me. I am still with my husband the father of my 3 beautiful girls…I think us women always get that “thought” of what would happen if another women was with our husband and took the step mom role…I am very much in love with my husband so maybe this is why I thought different..reading this story made me realize if me and my husband ever did split (which i don’t ever think we will)I now will have a more mature outlook on it…It really is in the benefit of our children not us adults…us all getting along will nurture our children and teach them love…It will teach them that blessings do grow from a bad situation…Thank you to everyone who’s stories inspired me! Not for a situation I am planning on being in, but for the knowledge to now lead and teach others who may be in this situation!

  119. I wish my stepdaughters mother would read this. Ive been married to my husband for 31 years. I had two children ages 3 & 5, he had a daughter age 1-1/2 and then we had a son. I have had nothing but love for my stepdaughter and treat her as my own. My husband has been the same way with my kids. They are OUR kids. I congratulated my stepdaughter (calling her OUR daughter) and her new husband on facebook welcoming him to the family and her mother called my husband angry and said that she wasnt my daughter that she was hers and his daughter. She saud I disrespected her. My husband called me and asked ne to call her and apologize which I did call her, but, I told her I was sorry if she felt disrespected as that surely was not my intention but I will not apologize for what I wrote because after 31 yrs of being her stepmom…..i think ive earned the right to call her my daughtee. ita the same with the grandkids. i refuse to call her children my step grandkids. My husband and I have four kids and nine grandkids period.i think that someone who has not combined families doesnt realize how didficult it is and we have been blessed. i would think her mother would be happy that i love her daughter and am very good to her.

    • She is your step daughter though. She has a mother. She does not call your children her children. If the father of your children is okay with your husband calling himself the father if his children then that is up to him. It is disrespectful for a woman who did not give birth to the child to call herself the child’s mother when the biological mother loves and cares for her child. It would be a different story if the mother were not in the childs life. You are the step mother and no amount of time that passes earns you the title of mother to the child. It is okay for you to love the child, and care for the child but it is not okay for you to forget that the child has a mother, and that you are the step mther.

      • Absolutely!!! I’m in that situation. The step mom doesn’t truly realize how much she steps over… Or she does and doesn’t care. It’s ignorant. It’s confusing for the children… Even when the step mom’s mother comes in to play, there’s no clear boundary. My children have their biological parents and grandparents who love them and would never abandon them. I am made to feel like I am the problem, I am a hassle, I am in the way of their perfect family… Well newsflash, you stole my family… So you will have to learn to respect me knowing what you got yourself in to in the first place! Would have been different if we had split, then they met…. I am very accommodating and cordial, but a person can only take so much. And I am certainly not in the wrong. I am glad she treats my children well and loves them. But she is NOT my replacement.
        Thank you for posting a comment that makes sense.

      • WHAT??? I’m 39 and have a step mom who has been in my life since the age of 17 and a mom. Both call me their daughter. It would be very weird for ME, the “child” in the situation, to be called anything else. Why would you want your child singled out and made to feel like anything less??? Because your ego can’t handle it? If her daughter was uncomfortable with it then she would say something to her step mom. Sounds like you have some soul searching to do.

      • I disagree a mother is someone that raises you if bio mom and dad’s wife both raise a child they both are that child a mom, and just because there is animosity between the parents the child should not suffer and if the child calls them both Mom leave it alone, they are both Mom, I’m so great full my granddaughter has her two Moms

      • You have to remember how it makes the child feel, they introduce their parents (one being a step) but it is much less stressful to just say my parents. My husband married me with 4 sons! My sons have 2 wonderful dads they each bring their own strengths and love. Their story is how it should be but for me it is the opposite, he brought 2 girls and his ex has gone as far as breaking into my house and getting arrested for assault (on me) Both her girls have been through hell and now in therapy at ages 19 and 28. Both want nothing to do with their mom. It has been the hardest part of our marriage trying to keep the peace. As a biomom and stepmom I have felt all of the above but my final outcome is to do what helps the child feel loved and secure, if they want to call both sides mom or dad…that should be their call. We as adults (who have never done this before) should take the high road. Our kids now look back and see who was solid and secure and see the one who fabricated to make themselves look good. I truly thought I would win her over and co-parent.

      • really? After 31 years of marriage and raising children together she doesn’t have the right to call a child she raised her daughter? Why is there a limit on who can claim a child as theirs? To me that’s a lucky kid to have two women who want to call her theirs. The biological mother should be the one apologizing here. No disrespect was meant it was sheer love and admiration for a shared child. My step daughter is 19 and rarely have I EVER called her my step daughter outside of annoying clarifying how im 30 with a 19 year old. On facebook she is listed as my daughter and as her mothers daughter. Neither of us have an issue with this. I won’t say we have the relationship this author does but we are both happy to have each other in OUR daughters life.

      • Thank you for that. I am the loving, very present mother of 3 sons who are nearly grown now. My ex-husband re-married very quickly after we split up some 12 years ago, convincing his new wife I was out of the picture and she would now be our children’s mother. It’s not her fault she was fooled; my ex can be very convincing. But it’s also true she never took the time to get to know me to see if what he said about me was true. Anyway, the facts are that she is not and never will be our children’s mother. In addition to the obvious fact that I’m their biological mother and the children refused to call her Mom (Dad tried to make them), she did not nurse them for a year each, stay home with them instead of work outside the home, or otherwise upend her life for them. I would never speak I’ll of her or my ex to the kids, and I don’t think she is a bad person. However, she has been extremely disrespectful toward and about me without cause most of the time since she arrived on the scene. I wish I could experience what the story above describes, but it has not been possible.

      • As a product of divorce and remarriage the more moms and dads to love me the better! For a biological mom to be threatened by a stepmother of 31 years is childish.

    • IMO- it’s lovely that you get along like this and great for your daughter. Unfortunately that is not the reality that most of us face… I wouldn’t even use the word step mother on the psychotic piece of work my ex married. She over steps her role so severely and not with petty things either (I.e. putting braces on my child without consulting me, baptizing her into their -her- religion without telling me, MAJOR things) She is so hell bent on pretending that I don’t exist or am some sort of monster… she quickly forgets that this is MY daughter. My ex husband’s daughter. She is someone that he married. That does not make her a parent automatically. I can only dream of a situation that you described. For a lot of people though it is so ugly. When one is trying to make things work and be quiet and civil for their child and the other is a head case who doesn’t care as much about the child’s emotional well being, it does not work. .. my marriage was over before she came into it. We were even friends after the divorce… jealousy can get ugly and unfortunately my child has to suffer because of her father’s wife’s insecurities.

    • I am with you on this one. Being the STEP CHILD, I would be ok with one of my “step” parents doing this. I call them all but the current one (and I have step-dad, ex-step-mom and a current step-mom) by Mom or Dad NOW….maybe not in the beginning but my step-dad has been in my life over 20 yrs, first step-mom was in my life as step-mom over 11 yrs and current step-mom is now coming up on like 18 yrs in my life….and out of all of them my current step-mother is the one who makes me feel like an outsider! She says things like “we have no “steps” in this family” but her actions says differently. She has always treated her kids differently than my Dad’s kids (even going as far as telling him that HER daughter was HER daughter, NOT HIS and that he could not discipline her) and these days treats HER grandkids differently than my Dad’s grandkids and he let’s it happen and I am not sure he realizes it but is now doing it as well. She talks a big game about how great it is that HER kids have her, their step-mother, their father and their step-father (my dad) and call them all Mom and Dad and so on, but when they heard me call my step-father, “Dad” I was given a guilt trip about how it hurt my Dad’s feeling to hear that. Hypocritics. So HER kids are good enough to be blessed by their step-parents, but me and my siblings aren’t?

      Then I was called disloyal for still being in touch with my Dad’s 2nd ex-wife…my Dad was the one who made my brother and I call her Mom and went out of his way to keep us as far away from our own Mother as he could while he was married to wife #2, but he divorces her and I am just suppose to forgets she was “my mom” from the time I was 8 till I was nearly 19? Sorry but you divorce spouses, NOT kids. You don’t like her anymore, that is YOUR PROBLEM, not mine. I won’t deprive myself of a healthy maternal relationship or a grandmother to my kids just because my father got divorced. Especially when the current wife only likes to claim us when she something to brag about……otherwise we basically don’t exist.

      The amazing thing that came out of all of this is when I did get to see my Mom, she never lied to me, never called names of my Dad or any of his wives. She just enjoyed the time she had with me and my brother. Now as adults, we know the truth about what happened when we were kids (and not all of it paints her in the best light either) but the difference is she takes full responsibility for her actions and has spent her life doing better, not just for us but for herself too! Unlike our Dad who can’t own up to his part in doing any wrong in our lives or his own. Still tries to blame it on everyone else. My brother and I are very close to our Mom and Step-Dad now. It is not perfect, but at least we have some parents who do love us unconditionally and are there for us when we need them.

      Just giving birth to someone doesn’t give you unalienable right to be called Mom, at the end of the day, your ACTIONS do that! I have seen plenty of BIRTH MOMS who should be in JAIL for what they have done to their kids, meanwhile I seen lots of step-moms, adoptive mom, etc (people who didn’t give birth to their kids in their womb but in their HEARTS) whose ACTIONS show just how much they love and cherish their children!

      If your ego can’t handle that, it is your problem, not your child’s. Don’t make it their problem. It is something YOU need to work on. You may not like “the other woman” or “the other man” in their life, fine no one says you have to. But if you can’t have enough SELF RESPECT to make a fool of yourself, then have enough respect for your children to keep it to yourself.

      So in saying all that my point is, you were not disrespecting your ex-husband’s wife with your facebook post. You were welcoming your new son in law. End of story. She needs to get over herself. Especially 30+ yrs later!

      • @KM. Over a year later now and I’m applauding you!! I have been in your situation and am now a bonus-mom. Having been “the step child,” it has equipped me with the heartstrings to do right by my bonus-daughters. Anyway, kudos on your great reply!!!

    • Allison, Lisa, Tina… Y’all need to do some growing up. Be happy for your children, for it could be way worse for them. Suck it up and be “Mom” and count your blessings.

  120. As a step mom, I can’t even imagine this. It must have been written by a step mom or a marriage counselor or the poor dad who is caught in the middle or something. My husband and I have been married for 21 years now and his X wasn’t capable of being anything but completely nasty about the wonderful things I did for her daughters. In fact, the more I did over the years for my step daughters, the more venomous she was toward me. Even now the girls are all grown up and in their 20’s and she just cant’t stand for them to share their time with us. This is a nice story!! Too bad it just isn’t very realistic.

      • You are amazing, God bless you!! Too bad there aren’t more first wives out in the world like you who love their children more than themselves. Xoxo

      • I know this type of situation to be true. As I went through my divorce, of course my kids were upset. But it also upset them to see ME hurt. SO…since I want my children to be happy, and grow to be wonderful people themselves, I learned to suck it up, and show nothing but kindness and love toward his new wife, until one day, I realized I wasn’t just sucking it up; I really did appreciate her. All of this is something I think good mothers try to do because it’s not for us – it’s for our kids!

      • I love your article!! I actually sent it to my daughters stepmom…. We have a wonderful relationship. I really believe god placed her in our lives. For a. Reason we have become one large happy family who work together to raise my daughter…. She actually includes my son which isn’t. Her step child…. I figured out a long time ago I wasn’t gonna be the parent who bashes the other parents…. My kids can make those decisions for themselves in time… It has made coparenting a very enjoyable experience for us all…. Thank you so much for sharing your letter with all of us…. It makes me realize how blessed I truely am for our situation

      • What a wonderful situation. I was a step daughter and unfortunately my father’s wife was the other woman. She was abusive and very jealous of me which ended with me having no relationship with my father or my paternal relatives. I have now found myself in the position of dating someone with children. We are not married but their mother and I (both of us being very different people) have found a way to work together and be friends. I would like to throw out the title/label of Bonus Parent or Bonus Child. I personally think “step” parent or child should be reserved for those situations where the story resembles Cinderella’s step mother. I adore my boyfriends children and consider them a bonus in my life and would hope others could see the same.

      • I’m the Mom as well, but my daughter has another mom that loves her just as much as I do for the past 14 years. Just because she didn’t give birth to our daughter doesn’t take away the value that on the day she married she became a mom and since that day I am forever grateful that our focus, as the family dynamics changed and we became two families, it was and always has been about our daughter. I am forever blessed to have this sweet woman in my life and I truly can never thank her for treating our daughter with kindness, respect and most of all loving her always as her daughter, and for that our daughter, who is now 18 years old and knows and feels that love, support that she has from two great mothers that respect, admire, care and do love each other and of course her dad too, who is still wrapped around his little girls finger. It can be done and I am lucky to stay we are doing and couldn’t imagine living a life any other away. I am blessed for this family we have become over the years and will continue to be as time passes. I love you dearly, Michelle and thank you for being the bestest of Moms our daughter could wish for ❤️❤️

    • My husbands ex wife and I shared this link because it is us. Yes it is rare but it is real. This is our life. We love eachother very much. She has shared these feelings with me so when I read this I couldnt believe that there are others just like us. We are the best of friends. Our daughter will be the best parts of us both because she knows nothing but love and acceptance from us for her and for eachother. This is so realistic at least for us it is.

    • I am sorry for your struggles, but promise you it really is possible as I am in a similar situation. My ex is about to marry his live in girlfriend and I will be attending the very small, intimate ceremony as they both consider me family and we all have outings with our son on a regular basis. We even went on vacation together last spring. I feel truly blessed that my ex found someone who loves my son and is willing to work with me without trying to push me out. She makes co parenting with my ex easier and our relationship has vastly improved since she moved in. Like the author, I was jealous initially and hated the idea of her and was very angry until I got to know her and realized what a blessing she actually was to my son. Most of my friends can’t understand how we get along so well either, but we all put our son above our disagreements with one another and I know this is the best possible outcome for him.

  121. Kuddos to all those step parents that step up to the plate and treat the other persons kids like their own. My kids step mother in the past 6 years has not ever tried to get to know my kids ( who are teenagers now ) I understand that she had her “own” and don’t need anymore , but she knew what she was getting into , it was not like we kept the kids hidden, I feel if you love their parent you should at least treat them with respect . The kids in these broken marriages are innocent and their lives are turned upside down just as much, if not more. In my case my ex and his wife are losing because the kids refuse to go to his home because of her and therefore don’t get to spend much tme with their dad. So again anyone who goes out of their way to accept someone else child , you people are HEROS

    • I couldn’t agree with you more. In my aspect of things. My son loves my boyfriend around, that was the thing from when we first spoke, was if my son doesn’t like you too bad for you we can’t see each other. My son Comes fiest, always. So when my ex dated and in a different province, my son lost out on sooooo much time cause she was worrying about how he was when he would come to town around me. I tried my best a d I mean your trying to get around my child, you don’t put down the mother and ignore her all childish when you meet. Cause that put the fence up for me. My son now cause he doesn’t see him, not that he did a whole lot with him even when we were together, but now and always I leave it to my son if he wants to talk or see his father. Some need to realize that you don’t just expect from children that all changes are good with them cause you dating and what not or cheating on ur partner is also cheating the children too. I work around d lots of confused kids, may be loved but routine is what they need I know a bit off topic but I think I got my point across. I’m from a broken family and hate it, but I try my best for my son not to feel like I did.

  122. I wish I had a relationship with my son’s stepmom. I think his dad doesn’t want us to talk because every time I try to reach out to her she brings up the fact I didn’t want to know her in the beginning. Deal is I didn’t even know she existed until my son said they spent the night withher. Until then his dad denied having a relationship with her. So every time we make a step forward somehow she will stop speaking to me. Smh. My son doesn’t feel comfortable around her because she won’t talk to me. This has been addressed a thousand times but I just give up on it now

  123. I have read and reread and reread…this beautiful letter, my heart aching with each read. It’s the exact dream I’ve had daily for 7 years, to have a relationship with my stepdaughters mom. I came into their lives at 3 and 6 and became stepmom when they were 5 and 8. I’m not perfect, and there’s no manual for how to stepparent but I know everything I e done has come from my deep deep love for these girls and their dad. I worked so hard to friend their mom, to show that I acknowledged SHE is their MOM. I invited her into our home, included her in birthday parties etc always asking her to tell me about the day the girls were born and what they were like when little, gave her birthday, Mother’s Day and christmas cards/gifts, told the girls no when they asked to call me mom telling them they had a mom, but taking full enjoyment in packing school lunches, cheering loudly at sporting events, attending every activity, cuddling them when sick, taking off work for doctors appointments and sick days, helping with homework and with broken hearts… Again the list could go on.. Their mom has been nothing but cold, rude, mean, and hurtful to me…I forgive over and over again because I sympathize that it must be hard to share these beautiful girls with another woman half the time. But it’s eaten away at my heart, especially since I’ve struggled with infertility and will not have any children of my own. It’s hard to see the girls feel guilty loving me and having a relationship with me because their mom doesn’t hide her hate for me from them … I am a Christian and I do believe God blessed me with this family and I take pride in my special assignment as stepmom …I hold out hope for just one ounce of gratitude from their mom one day …and continue to dream of a day when we can all truly be one big HAPPY family…because I already count her as family… In the meantime I’ll read this letter over and over and over to remind me in my heart that I’m a blessing too… Thank you!

    • ❣I’m in that exact situation. I didn’t even meet my husband until they had been apart for a year. She was moving in with the man she left him for. I love their little girl with all my heart just as my own. Trying to make sure I never do anything that I myself would not want someone else to do to/ with my children without asking. Always taking a step back. But she has fought hard and at every turn to sever my marriage and disrupt all attempts at peace. She has called my children and I white trash and told her child to cuss, spit and punch me. I keep forgiving and pray all the time that little Grace’s mind and spirit be protected from all this. I will add your family to my prayers.

  124. This is the most beautiful, selfless thing I have ever read. It reminds me how blessed I am that my boyfriends ex wife is so amazing and forgiving. I love my two step daughters as f they were my own blood and would do anything for them. I could not feel more pride for them if they were my own. We don’t make plans for these things, that is true. But life happens and I’m so grateful to be a part of all of their lives. Xxooxxoo

  125. I shared this with my stepdaughters mom and it brought us both to tears. We have a beautiful 11 year old and we are both her mom. Her mother introduces me as her “baby momma” ..lol. We do so much together and have so much respect for eachother. How can you hate someone who loves your child so much. Until we read this we thought we were the only ones. Its so nice to know that there are others like us. Every single word rang true as if she had written this directly to me. If not for her I wouldnt have my beautiful Tiana and for that I am eternally grateful.

  126. Reading your letter I was very touched. What wonderful praise and respect you have for your daughters step mom. It made me realize and regret that I never told my son and daughters step father what a wonderful job he did in my absence. Regretfully it’s to late for me to tell him. He maybe gone but he’s influence lives on in both of them. How blessed you are to have a woman so caring and loving to your family and she is truly blessed that your coming from your heart and not your ego. Kudos to both of you.

  127. My mom and my step mom (or bonus mom, as I call her) were wonderful role models while I was growing up. Now I have children of my own; my moms sat together and took “selfies” at my baby shower…no animosity, no jealousy….only love for me and excitement that there would be a new grand baby to love. By being vested in your daughter’s true best interest, you have made a decision that will help guide her future in a way that will leave an everlasting positive impact. I know, because I am lucky enough to have been in the same position. I wish you all the best.

  128. I am in the exact situation, except reversed, my son has another male in his life. I could not have said this any better. He truly is a great guy. I could not have hand picked a better man to be around my son. He is vested in my son and has genuine care and concern. As much as I never wanted to be divorced (twice now) if it has to be, I want it this way. His mother and I and he get along well and we co-parent this wonderful little boy that deserves nothing but our best in parenting. My son did not ask for mommy and daddy to live apart so he should not suffer because of that. It has taken some intestinal fortitude but I couldn’t be happier with this situation.

    • I’m the bio mom who wrote this about my daughter’s stepmom. I know it’s a unique situation and not the norm. We’ve been blessed and learned a long time ago to forgive, love and always move forward and never let the past cripple our future.

    • If you are in this situation, we understand why it would be plausible for it to be workng for you….in less than 20 words, you made it Apparant that you are not a nice person for anyone to want to get along with.

    • I don’t know these mom’s, but I grew up in a family where my mom and step-mom called one another and did things for/with one another regularly. When I said my “parents”, it included my step-parents. When I went away to college, both sets of parents would come together for Christmas Eve dinners so that I didn’t need to choose between “homes”. I had teen years when I was able to go as I wished between my “homes”. Neither set of parents were harsh, critical, or territorial. They loved me above whatever separated them in their pasts. It is possible and this beautiful open letter is such an amazing, grace filled, reminder that forgiveness and love can conquer all. My hope for you is that you have already experienced or will get to experience one, or both, side(s) of such grace in your life. Even delusions can’t compare to what love does.

  129. Thank you so much for the tears of joy. This is also my story and it’s very real. I am a mom of 13 year old boy. My son’s stepmom has been a part of his life since he was 2. It was not easy but I felt that if this woman was going to be a part of my child’s life then I need to get to know this person. She is the most kind hearted person and loves our son as her own. I proud to say she’s my best friend. We as family vacation together, spend holidays together and their two children also call me mom #2. I love his siblings as my own. I love that our child(ren) will not know the stress of a nasty divorce .

  130. This reminds me of my mom and my dad’s first wife (my older sister’s mom). They were both extraordinary women. They bonded together to coparent and ended up close friends. They raised us together in a way that we never questioned who “belonged” to who, we were all a family. It’s a rare and beautiful type of relationship.

  131. This honestly would be my dream and there have been times in my (soon to be) step children’s lives where I did try to reach out to their mom. I told her last year, around this time that we could all love them and there was no harm in that. But there were a lot of reasons my fiance left his marriage and they came spilling over into our world when I tried to be friendly with her (and even encouraged him to). They were with us for two years before she began taking them on regular visits. Sometimes she’d go weeks. The first six months there were no over nights. They are with me most of the time still because my fiance works a lot, so it’s impossible, as a mom myself not to love them as I love my own and do the best I can with them as I have my own.

    I am very lucky, now, that my sweet fiance makes it so I don’t have to deal with coming into contact with her. And that he avoids all contact with her unless it has to do with the kids. It’s for the best. Even though things have never gotten to a boiling point between she and I, I feel it wouldn’t take much for my resentments to spill over, about her lying about why she couldn’t take them for visitation when she could have, (so many times) taking advantage of my fiance’s good nature, for how odd they act towards me and my fiance for days after visitation and the hints they’ve put forth that she’s telling the things they don’t understand or need to hear, and overall, us constantly rearranging our schedule even on her scheduled visitation days. It hurts to see her put herself first. It hurts to hear how wonderful she is from the kids when she truly is, for that one day/and sometimes night a week when they have been seeing her, when I am doing literally ALL the leg work. I’m glad she’s good to them when she has them, from what I know, believe me and I do keep quiet around the kids when it comes to how I feel. It’s the hardest job I’ll ever love.

  132. I love this. This is what I truly wanted when I realized I didn’t want to be with my husband anymore. Unfortunately, he decided to cut me out completely, and so destroyed any sort of relationship I could have had with his new fiance. Still fighting in court to get my kids back (even just to visit!) but I know God has big plans. I just wish my ex husband could have been more mature, so that us two mothers could co-parent effectively, even if he didn’t want to co-parent at all.

  133. thank God , for these wonderful womwn who love there children more them thereselves , and put the children feeling first , when I divorced my children father , that was the only thing I asked of him , and if he remarried to always love and be good to our children , don”t ever try to use them against me , like so many people I have seen do , I always tell them look in your child face with you are talking about there Mother or Father badly and see the hurt , don”t try and hurt each other thur the children please . they have already been hurt enough just by the divorce . God bless and give us women like you .

  134. This is a great story, and I wish this could have been my story, however from the beginning ex-husbands new girlfriend (who was a family friend by the way)forgot that my daughters had a mother that loved and cared for them. She took it upon herself to completely arrange my youngest daughters sweet 16 cutting me out of plans, and she took it upon herself to completely take over my oldest daughters college plans again completely cutting me out. She forgot my daughters had a mother that spent the past 18 years caring for them and looking forward to being a part of these milestones in the lives of my daughters lives. These were life events I had looked forward to since the day they were born. I had to put a stop to it before I was cut out of their weddings too. Being a step mother is a wonderful thing and you can love and care for your step children with everything you have, but as the step mother did in this story never forget that the child has a mother and never forget to ask her if your help is needed, or if your advice to the child is the same advice she would give the child in situations. Too many cooks in the kitchen can spoil the stew, and it can also confuse a child if the step mother says one thing, but the mother disagrees with the advice. A mother tries to raise her child with the respect and morals she was taught growing up and it is the job of the mother to shape who the child becomes. I am not against step mothers, I am just against step mothers who forget who’s job it is to raise and shape the life of the child, and who should be the one sharing with her daughter or son in reaching milestones in life. To be a good step mother you must have this respect for the childs mother, and only then will everything be right in your world.

  135. I wish my daughter’s felt this much love from there step mum and there dad, Or felt any love at all. I’m glad they have more love and support surounding them.. and that there step dad, my fiance welcomed them with open arms and loves them like his own daughters.. You are one very courageous and wonderful woman, both of you are 🙂

  136. I love this article!!! I have been blessed to become extremely close to my kids second mom! We don’t use the term step because at the time of separation our daughter was 5 sons 3 and newborn. She has been nothing but aamazing. She has her own daughter from previous relationship and with her she just gets it!! People make comments and don’t understand how I can be so close to my ex new wife. Im so glad to know there really are others out there!! Yes there are times we ask get upset but that means it’s real. There are also times where I’m not always enough for my kids or the want to call her and I’m glad she can help fill the void that at the moment I might be to stressed to come up with the right words or way of doing it. To all you moms that Want this it doesn’t just happen we had to work at it for years just like a relationship and it was and still is worth every amount of the effort!!!!

  137. I am the stepmom…my husband and his first wife had a very bad divorce. He and I parent one way, his ex parents another, and the kids know it. They will often talk about how they can get away with so much more at their mom’s house…she is always complaining that they don’t respect her…it is very difficult to be friends with someone who does not put the children first…a lot of her personal problems affect the kids, and end up causing arguments between my husband and me. We have had a friendly relationship, and we get along right now…but who knows what tomorrow will bring. She has told the kids not to call me mom, and makes it very plain to them that their father should be doing all of the disciplining…which isn’t as simple as it sounds, especially when they are with us half the time and spend a lot of time with me because of his work schedule. I have a daughter from my first marriage, and she calls my husband Dad…her dad is almost never around, and since my daughter is now in high school, I think she knows who she considers to be her real father figure. My husbands ex wife hates that my daughter considers him to be her father, and has told him on several occasions that his priorities were all messed up, and has told her kids that my daughter shouldn’t call him dad. I do my best to be her friend, but it is not easy when you face Jekyll one day, and Hyde the next.

    • This sounds just like my situation. It is so hard to be friends with someone whose priorities aren’t the same as yours. My kid and bonus kids are first priority and we plan around them. On her weekends she leaves them alone, parties a lot and just an awful role model. We have to alert her about grades slipping and do our best to keep up with homework (they live with her most of the time, we want 50/50 but she said she won’t give up the child support) When are weekends are filled with park time and play time and her is of alcohol and late night texts from her kids asking when she is coming home, how can we even have a relationship? I certainly don’t see how. She is an awful person and my heart aches that my bonus kids are stuck with her for a mom

  138. I loved this post….with exception of one tiny thing. The comment about being the woman who understands that the child’s relationship with her father is more important than that between the stepmom and her husband. I’ve been on both sides of this – I was a young stepmother to my ex husband’s daughter, and later on after I’d had my children and after separating from my husband I watched my children develop a relationship with his girlfriend.
    I struggle with this idea that the child’s relationship must take priority over the woman’s relationship with her husband. It is absolutely a delicate balance to ensure both have their needs met, but BOTH relationships are important. Coming from a situation where I was continually told that my needs and wishes were “less than” and it was made clear that I was to take a backseat, to sit back and shut up when I was disrespected in my own home, when my boundaries were crossed and the response was “it’s important that she have a good time”… I was made silent and told my voice didn’t count whenever she was there and ultimately this Dynamic was a large part of why that marriage ended….granted it’s obviously indicative of bigger issues in the marriage, but my point is that one cannot outweigh the other. The marriage must be supportive and the marital relationship strong, just as the patent child relationship is also highly important…just perhaps not “more so”. Balance, not superiority.

    • Its true that it shouldn’t be always about kids. Its not always that kids get what they want and have their way. I’m 24 and in love with a man who has a 9year old daughter. He had her with a woman whom he just had one time sex with though they knew each other. Have met the girl and she is lovely. What bothers me is that when she is around the father forgets about me. Its like I’m out of the picture. At times I wonder if that is loving her too much or its spoiling her. I also can’t stand playing second. A good parent will give kids what they deserve and not taking their mothers/step postion. Kids grow and get their life and move out. You will be left with your wife/husband at the end of the day. I also think having the exs in your house is inviting trouble. Some end up cheating together. So as much as we want to make kids happy, think of your decisions. They might build or break u

  139. My step daughter a mother texted this to me and I read it and cried tears of joy. My step daughter was also included in my wedding day and there are a lot of similarities in this letter with our family. Such a beautiful gesture that my step daughters mother texted to this to me. I will hold this so sacred forever in my heart. Thank you for this beautiful letter and for publishing it because it had such an effect on me as a person and for that, I thank you. Just know that you not only took the time to open your heart up to your daughters stepmom, but because of this letter being shared with me as a stepmom it means more than you can ever imagine. 🙂

  140. as soon as I read this, I immediately sent it to my children’s stepmom, she may not be stepmom yet, but this is how we are with one another, and I was always asked, how can we get along so well, and isn’t it weird to be close with her, so I was happy when I read this and immediately sent it to her with tears in my eyes. I think it’s amazing that this can happen.

  141. WHAT A WONDERFUL STORY ABOUT THE BIRTH MOM AND STEP MOM WHAT IT IS TO GET ALONG WITH YOUR EX LADY IT MEANS ALOT TO THE KIDS BECAUSE THEY WASNT ASK TO BE BORN SO THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SUFFER FOR THE GROWN UP MISTAKES ITS GOOD NOW THAT SHE HAS TWO SETS OF PARENTS THAT LOVE HER DEARLY KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND YOUR GOING TO RAISE A SUPER STAR TAKE CARE AND BE BLESS

  142. I can relate to this! I have 2 mothers that I love dearly! My stepmother met my father when she was 16 and I was only 6 months old! My mother & father were still married too…..so yes…..it’s one of those stories!! Anyways….my mom & dad divorced and in that same month…he married my stepmother and my first Lil brother was born 2 weeks later!! So now you see why I said….it’s one of “those” stories!! Anyways my second Lil brother was born 15 months later….and by this time I was 4 yrs old! They stayed married til I was around 10 yrs old….and they divorced!! This broke my heart….I missed my family being together…..but my Mom “stepmom” has remained in my life and I’m as close with her as my birth mother! Even though she didn’t give birth to me….she is my MOTHER…she has been in my life all my life….and that’s the only way I have ever known it to be!! I love her so much….I admire her for what she did….she was only a young girl at 16….and took me to raise as her own….I was her first child…..and when ppl meet us…they know no different. …until we tell them…..because she doesn’t call me her step child….nor do I call her my stepmom….she is my MOM!!

  143. Great example of 2 people who are grown up enough to understander the meaning of caring for one another and also for the benefit of the children. For those men and women who have that hateful relationship of the ex or the step parent, grow up. Any and everything that separated your family is over now. Get over it! There’s more to life than holding that anger. Life is to short not to be happy about all your situations in life.

  144. This is amazing! I wish my parents, even now that all of our grown, would understand this! My Mom and step-dad seem to get it, but father and step-mother seem to CHOOSE when they do….it is okay for my step-mom’s kids to have her, their step-mother, their dad, and my dad (their step-dad), but for some reason it is not okay for my brother and I to have our father and our step-father. We are made to fell guilty over caring about a man who has been in our lives over 20 yrs, a man who got my brother thru his teen years and has been there for me when I needed him to be. It is frustrating and so hurtful…..my father is on wife # 3 and give me guilt trips over still having a relationship with wife #2 who was my step mother from the time I was 8 till I was 19 and who they made me call Mom from the day they got married and when they tried so hard to make my own mother disappear from my life, but then she was gone and I was just suppose to accept wife #3 and her kids no questions asked? at 19 yrs old…sorry doesn’t work that way….especially when she says things like “there is no such thing as “step” (mean step-mom, step-kids etc etc) in this family” but her actions tell an entirely different story, especially now that HER kids gave her grandkids who live right down the street but my dad’s kids with kids all live out of state …..anyway….when I read stories like these or meet families who have relationships like this I am so grateful….I know it is pretty much to late for my family, but I am always happy to see when another family can and does make it work for the benefits of all! Such a blessing to witness! God bless you all!

  145. This story is amazing. I am a product of a ‘broken home’ and wish this could have been my family growing up. I understand that it was hard for my parents, especially considering that my dad cheated on my mum with my stepmum. They split up when I was 3 and it wasn’t until my 21st birthday that they started to act like mature adults towards each other. I was raised by my mum and stepdad, who I have called dad for as long as I can remember (I try not to call him my dad in front of my bio dad because I feel that would be disrespectful). I have never called my stepmum ‘mum’ because although I love her dearly and she has always treated me as one of her own daughters, she didn’t raise me so I don’t feel she is my mum. Having said that, I see step mum as a term of endearment, not a bad word. She was there for me when I needed her growing up and still is today. All the name calling about each other to us didn’t make us hate the other more, eventually we formed our own opinions. The part I hated the most is that my parents would refuse to talk to each other, so the yelling and name calling would be to us, and then we would be expected to pass on the message. I have wonderful parents (all 4 of them) but the way they handled things when we were kids was wrong. They forgot it wasn’t about them anymore. Since my 21st, which was the first major event they had to be in the same room for, we have been more like the family in this story. I think they realised that after 18 years they could accept that both of our step parents have a place in our lives and it doesn’t diminish their roles as our mum and dad. Now I am married and have two amazing daughters, who are blessed to have 6 grandparents who adore them. They are all nannas and pops or grandads, not step anything. They all have as much right to be there as each other. My kids will eventually be old enough to understand why they have so many grandparents, but for now it is just the way it is, and they don’t realise it’s ‘different’. I hope that one day they see it as making them special, rather than different.

  146. I must say…I love this. I am in the same situation as you. Just so happens I get along very well with my exs new wife and with my hubbys ex wife. I am very grateful of the relationship I have with these women. Our children know they are very loved. Not every ex or new wife is horrible and there are some that put the children first. Just so happens life has been very good to us and our children.

  147. That was beautifully written. It takes a mature woman to allow another woman into her daughter’s life so I am sure you are as much a blessing to her as she is to you.

  148. Hello,
    My name is Lyz and I stumbled upon your open letter to your daughters stepmom. This letter was so beautifully touching and really expressed the true love of a mother. One who is able to put her differences aside and truly do what is best for her daughter. See my past two relationships I dated men who were divorced with children. One mother was a jealous mean spirited individual who chastised her children for acknowledging the love they had for me and ignored how much I loved them. They were my life even though they weren’t mine. And when I split with their father it hurt me much more to lose them. The second wife treated me with dignity and respect and despite what she may have said behind close doors always acknowledged how much I loved her daughter.
    I hope that when I do finally find the man for me and have children that I can always put my own selfishness aside and do whatever it takes to truly love the way you do! I have a feeling I will! Thank you for this beautiful letter!
    Lyz

  149. Amazing in love with ur family ur wonderful hearts…my ex husband and current husband are pictures of respect and love….they r both silent…except when OUR babies r involved ….my ex husbands sister passed away and my current husband attended the wake just to support the kids and their father it was beautiful and hurtful all at once
    .
    ..I pray I can be as loving and respectful as those two men are with each other.

  150. This can be a reality. I’m a bio mom with a vary similar story it can happen its not always automatic. We both work hard to co parent with each other but we both have the same goal our kids happiness I have 2 kids with her husband and one with mine and they have 2 more. I make sure her kids feel just as loved as mine just as she does. I even take their kids over night. We didn’t have the best start it took us about a year to get over OUR jealousies and insecurities but we did and I’m thankful every day for it.

  151. I just wanted to thank you for your heart. As a young college girl just thrown out into “the real world” and no longer constantly surrounded by my Jesus-loving family, I can often question if God is real and if there are actual Christians out there, or if it was just me being naive as a child. Reading this blog filled me with such hope and encouragement. It’s hard to do the right thing, and have the right heart attitude. Thank you for setting such a great example, and reminding me what it means to be a Christian; it doesn’t mean a perfect life, it means letting go of what you want, to accept the blessings of what God has for you. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I just wanted to really thank you so much for helping me tonight to remember that. And to see that Christianity is real and it is alive in others. God has really used you to reach my heart. There are tears in my eyes as I write this. I can’t wait to meet you one day.
    In love, Claire (19)

  152. As a child of multiple divorces I wish i had this. This is such a beautiful relationship. Not one of the three stepmothers I’ve had showed much interest in co parenting or having much to do with me. My life would be much different if they had. You are both amazing woman. Your daughter is so lucky to have such strong women in her life.

  153. Wow that is amazing that you have such a great relationship with your EX ‘s gorgeous PYT wife. You must have so many awesome things going on in addition to sharing your daughter. My mom devoted her life to loving me and out of loyalty to her I have spent my 30 years here never even speaking the name of my father’s wife. I hear in all these comments women complaining about the other woman. As the child of this situation I now realize it was never her fault -that other woman..if anything it was my dad’s.The saddest thing is me not loving her, not wanting to even see her, robbed me of having a close relationship with my dad. He will know someday of all the pain caused..my heart apologizes but is not yet open to her. I don’t think it will ever be. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way..except to listen to your heart.

  154. I absolutely adore my exes girlfriend. She is the best. I come from a family where this Christmas we will go to my gramas house on mom’s side and it will be me my mom my step dad My dad his gf of 9 years my boyfriend and our daughter plus my son his dad and his gf. Been this easy since my parents divorced when I was 6. I am now 33. It’s just how it should be for the kids.

  155. I’m one of the lucky ones 🙂 my daughters step mum is beautiful inside and out , she loves her like one of her own , she’s got 5 of her own and they all love and respect Grace as a sister. It’s amazing to see and brings so much peace to our lives. We are fair and amicable with every aspect of the children’s life eg Christmas and birthdays. Mother to mother we can chat , swap advice ( I’m the new mum first child ). I couldn’t of asked for a better situation. I’m lucky and more importantly our daughter is one lucky loved little girl with a huge family.

  156. This article rang true with me. And some things just happen to work out.
    I divorced my wife Pat around 20 years ago when our son was a infant.
    I had married my current wife Sue and although rough at first, Pat and I stayed close for our son.
    Pat unfortunately had become sick with cancer over the years. And regrettably, last Christmas passed away.
    Her last comfort was calling my wife Sue, and asking her to take care of out son for her.
    He has grown up knowing my wife all his life, so it has made things a little easier since losing his Mom.
    Thanks for the story.

  157. My daughter was blessed, by not having her father’s wife, in her life! In fact, when my daughter, now a happily married Mom, was only 6 years old, her father remarried. Her father was given an ultimatum by his current wife, “either his new wife or my daughter!” My ex became a deadbeat dad, who went on the run with his wife, just to avoid paying child support. God vindicated my daughter and blessed her, by not having a “step monster”, in her life. This woman, who was jealous of my daughter, destroyed all of my daughter’s pictures and threatened bodily harm. I thank God that he spared my wonderful daughter from that kind of abuse. My ex has no other children, which is believe is poetic justice. Please let me state, that I am grateful to have had all the joy and blessings, of raising my daughter. With God, I was never alone.

  158. Thank you for writing that! I m a stepmom and struggle so much with it. Our daughter s mom and I have worked hard at it for years and share some sentiments you wrote. Thank you thank you thank you. A beautiful, warm, letter

  159. Not only my daughter but my son also, have an amazing woman Wendy as their step mom, and i couldnt imagine life without her now. Not only that but she now has 4 children of her own. Best part of all is that shes not just the step mom, but also my Friend. I love you Wendy and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  160. Omg this is amazing. I posted on my Facebook with a caption that all parents including step parents should read your story! Beautiful!

  161. Such a great letter -honest and to the point. I think what you’ve written has penned what many women in this position have thought at one time or another.

  162. This is so beautiful…I am in tears. I’m still married but I grew up in a situation where my biological father remarried and to say the relationship between my mother and step mother was tumultuous would be an understatement. I wonder often how different the outcome would have been had everyone got along and not spoke badly about each other. Thank you for sharing this story.

  163. I raised my 2 step kids. 50/50 split in time and a mom who never wanted children meant we had them a lot. My husband traveled 2 to 3 wks a month and the ex insisted we adhere to the schedule, leaving me in charge of 3 kids, 2 of which were not mine and who were told by their mother that liking me and being nice to me was being disloyal to her. They were told we wouldn’t let her have the kids and that everything I did for them, I did to make her look bad. Since she had written in the decree that they were “forbidden” to ever call her at work, even if they were sick at school, they had to call me as their father was always traveling. I left work, unpaid, and gladly went to get them because it was the right thing to do, not to make her look bad. Kids are 29 and 27 and are HORRIBLE to me. My husband feels there is no point in pointing out the truth about it all because it will color their judgement of their mother. Very painful on many levels! Saving grace is the amazing relationship we have with my ex and also with my own step parents. It doesn’t have to be turmuluos!

    • Unfortunately my story is similar to yours. I wish it was better but my husbands ex is selfish and vindictive and its the kids who lose out. Thanks for sharing your story, I was starting to think I was the only one.

      • My husband’s ex was the same way. She was jealous and vindictive and never allowed my stepson to come stay with us (we lived about 250 miles apart). We would send gifts and phone cards to my stepson often, but never heard back from him (no thanks, no telephone call, nothing). This, of course, was all orchestrated by the ex. My stepson is now 30 years old, has absolutely no relationship with his dad, his step-sister, nor his two half brothers–which is very hurtful to them since they would like a relationship with him. We have three grandchildren that we have never seen despite trying to make plans to do so. Too much water under the bridge? Do we keep trying? So very sad that one person’s immaturity has wreaked so much havoc on the lives of many innocent people!

  164. I 2 am a step mother and have been for 17 yrs. i Always thought it important to establish a relationship with the biological mom so that we could present a comfortable united front with the daughter we share. I THINK IT important to not cause problems that ultimately the child has to deal with and though i started out hated and have never received an open letter acknowledgement I ve been told much the same as you wrote that the biological wanted to hate me but ran out of reasons to. Never had children of my own so my step is my child PERIOD. And we have a GREAT relationship hit some teen patches but since i lived life in front of her i expected as much. I think your letter and sentiments SPEAK VOLUMES about you as a woman and it takes one with UNCONDITIONAL love even if not for the other parent but for your DAUGHTER to allow your heart to open up to the IDEA and make it your BUSINESS to keep her FIRST. So many will keep up commotion and not be mindful that the very person you are spewing your venom at is the very PRESENCE your daughter or son MUST co exist with at some time or another. You are fab for this and i APPLAUD the rationale.

  165. THIS is the way these adults should behave and interact because it is what is best for the children. You will have children who have good relationships with you all. You will raise children who don’t feel awkward about what they can or can’t say to you. Your children will have many wise counselors to learn from as they grow up. Reading this made me cry for how lucky your children are to have all of you getting along. Well done grown ups, you have truly set out to make the best of you situation and to do the best for your children.

  166. I read this and it brought tears to my eyes. I’m a step-mom myself and I’m not as lucky to have such a caring mom like you in our lives. My stepdaughter’s mom has been so hateful and broken my heart in so many ways sometimes I have to just take a second alone to catch my breathe and reassure myself that I’m a good person. I’ve been called the roommate, the whore, that I’m not her mom in any way, the stripper (never stripped in my life,) and the list goes on. She uses me taking care of myself and my appearance as a tool to hurt me. She has even gone to the extremes to try to prove I’m not a fit parental unit by putting me on a sex website, calling my boss and telling them I’m unfit for my job, verbally attacking me in a parking lot with extremely hurtful words, and even teaching her daughter to not recognize my family as her family. I have never done anything bad in my life that justifies these rants and I treat my precious little stepdaughter with overwhelming love. That little princess loves me dearly and she can’t wait until I get home from work to run and give me hugs and kisses:) She is such a blessing and I am truly blessed to have her in my life. We never say anything bad about her mother nor would we even think about doing so. We get her excited to go to mommy’s house and even communicate with her mom on all of her activities throughout her visits. Now her mother is contacting my husband to go to lunch, shows, dinners, movies with just the 3 of them to ensure I am not in my stepdaughter’s life:( We are currently in a custody battle as we only have her Tuesday and Wednesday nights. She won’t agree to weekends unless I am not there; we are married and we live together so I’m sorry but I can’t be okay with that and it breaks my heart. My stepdaughter’s mother has now decided to be a motivational speaker on raising a child alone with a husband who has a new wife but people don’t see how she treats us. My husband lost his mom last year and when he told his ex-wife the news, she responded “well, karma’s a bi***.” We then had to take the extreme measures and get a court order to even let my step-daughter see her grandma one last time before she past because her mom wouldn’t let her. I’m tired, I’m hurt and I look at your precious words and how you’ve embraced this new woman in your daughter’s life and I can only fill my eyes with tears of distant hope. Hope that one day I will be as blessed and be looked at as an angel who is okay with not just accepting my step-daughter but loving her and giving her a mother figure while she’s away with her daddy. I would never dream of replacing her mom in any way, I just want to be there for her and fill her with so much love that she will never have an empty heart no matter where she is.
    God Bless you and you are truly an inspiration. Thank you for listening.

    Sincerely,
    A Broken Stepmother

    • Broken….
      I as well have the bio-mom that sees me as evil.
      In the beginning, she “tried” to be my friend – only to learn info to use against me to her ex, my then boyfriend.
      When I became pregnant she went from fake nice to completely horrible. The day I went into labour she made sure to drop all 5 kids to us so she could party…knowing I had started labour, promising to be back for them We had to scramble @ 3am to find someone to stay with them and didn’t like our choice so called the police to come for her kids. Fast forward a few years, 2 of the 5 kids living with us and she herself became pregnant. She kept it all a secret – even from the kids. Told all of them that Daddy & I must never find out because Daddy would kill her and the baby; so these poor kids, so excited for a new sibling had to bite their tongues…for 6 months. We found out – by shear accident and amazing – Daddy didn’t do any of what she promised he would. Luckily, the boys saw the truth – but not their sister. 5 1/2 years ago we lost my husband and within 2 days of his passing told them all that since he was dead, I was no longer their step-mom. 2 of them had lived in our home for 7 years, the others every other weekend – it broke my heart. These are my boys too…I was the one who had “the talk” with them, since Dad worked long hours, like you, took time off work when they were sick, I was the one who sat and held them as they sobbed when they heard the horrible news. She told her daughter (in University – so not a baby) that she didn’t have to go to the funeral..all because she didn’t like me. Thankfully, all the unconditional love I gave these boys shows. I call them my sons – not step-sons and they call me Mom. They know who gave them love and support – no matter what they did, never judging. They are wonderful men now who learned from their amazing father – and hopefully some of me.

      You know everything you have done for them – whether they see it or not. I’m sure, like me, you would do it all over again because you love your husband and his children.

      Hugs from one stepmom to another.

      • You’re reply brought me to tears Nicole. You have been through so much and it’s amazing how strong you were/are through it all. Thank you for your encouragement and it’s those like you who help me change the name of the word stepmom. I will take your words of encouragement and hope and never give up! Those kids are lucky to have you in their lives.

        Hugs back.

    • Hugs to you, you are doing the right thing, beautifully, and you bring joy to your stepdaughter. Her mother is angry, hurt, scared, you name it, and your presence threatens her. Continue to show love, that’s all we can do. You are a divine Woman. The highest compliment. ❤

      • Oh Kimberly, you are so sweet. I don’t hear those words very often so your reply means more to me than you know. Thank you for taking the time to see it through my eyes and give your uttermost support. God Bless you!

    • Like you, the relationship I have with the kids mom is less than pleasant. I too have devoted my love and time to three future step kids. I love them with all of my heart and tend to their everyday needs with joy. We share 50/50 custody but get threatened quite often by their mom that she will take full. It is a constant battle for absolutely no reason. I have been hated from day one regardless of what I do. I have always wanted to have a functional relationship with her as I believe that’s how it should be. Instead she says nasty things about me to both her ex as well as the kids (7, 6, and 3). You are not alone. I too hope that one day we will be able to communicate and get along. I just keep reminding myself of the relationship I have with the kids and hope that one day she will see it as well. Good luck to you!

      • I have had your experience also – to the point of receiving death-threat phone calls. It is now 14 years later, I am a grandmother to my stepsons’ beautiful daughter, and all I can say is, I survived what was the most harsh and difficult situation I could ever imagine. Being a grandma has brought a lot of healing for me. But a mature, co-parenting situation was never possible with their mother who continues to refuse to be responsible for herself in any way. Hopefully your situation turns out better than mine did.

    • I’m young, and engaged to a great guy. He has a 6 year old girl, that ive only met once. I think im causing unintended jealousy- and the only reason that i find valid for these feelings coming from the mother of my fiance is daughter is that she might think that i am somehow benefiting from her daughters loss. We don’t have much money. I’m left to wonder if she thinks I’m a gold digger, or something like that. Here’s the thing though- I pay her CSP a lot of the time. Mommy doesn’t know that. I love that child with every bit of me. Mommy doesn’t want to know that. I’ve been through all of this drama as a kid. Its painful and unnecessary, she comes from a perfect home so again-mommy doesn’t know that. We’ve jumped through hoops just to get visitation. For him-SOMETIMES. I’m not allowed because she “doesn’t know me, I’m a stranger,she refuses to meet me, our house is unsafe(because its a duplex), I apparently do drugs in the house (which she’s never even seen from the outside, let alone the fact that its completely untrue)” The same thing happened with the last girl. See the thing is, I’m an American Sign Language grad, I work with special needs children, I babysit for the joy of being around kids in general. I have worked in a youth shelter, a theme park for kids, done children’s theatre -i have my first aid, child abuse check, criminal record check, and just genuinely enjoy being with little ones. Nothing matters. I like kids-but my stepdaughter to be is another story. I miss her, I care about how her life is going, I want to make her happy. I love her and Id do anything for her and she can’t know me. I hope she remembers me. It sucks. It hurts. And it hurts HIM. Anyways I’m rambling but I really am glad to have found this post. If anyone has any advice or encouragement I’d love that. I never thought I’d be enroute to being a step mom at 22, especially not before having my own, but its a role I feel I’d cherish.

    • Below is a response to KMP13soblessed. It is long, a bit over the top, a bit direct, peppered with sarcasm but true to the best of my knowledge. The blog “An Open Letter to My Daughter’s Stepmom” is a wonderful composition of two women and the daughter they share due to divorce and then re-marriage. Their relationship did not start with betrayal, mistrust or cruelty. It started with hope, friendship and a common bond, a young lady they care for, love and wish no harm.

      To KMP13soblessed-

      I guess if you are going to post lies, go big. Wow. You failed to tell the “whole story”. You know, those crazy little details, such as: you were married, your current husband was married and your stepdaughter’s mother was three months pregnant when you had an adulterous affair. In fact, you were an employee of your stepdaughter’s father. Your stepdaughter’s father and mother had lost a baby the year before and had been trying, with the use of fertility medication and surgery, to get pregnant with your stepdaughter. Or the fact that you caused so much emotional stress during the pregnancy of your stepdaughter that she was almost miscarried and/or delivered prematurely.

      For simplicity will use the following names:
      Your current husband: Mike
      Your stepdaughter’s mother: Sue
      Your stepdaughter: Chloe

      Sometimes one point of view, well… it’s simply one point of view.

      “I’ve been called the roommate, the whore, that I’m not her mom in any way, the stripper (never stripped in my life,) and the list goes on.”

      You moved into an apartment with Mike within days of the ink barely setting on the divorce paperwork. Mike called you his “roommate” and said he had to have a roommate to afford to live outside his mother’s home. That term never initiated with Sue. Talk to Mike.

      You owned an adult dance studio. You taught seductive dancing to bachelorette parties. Sue, friends and co-workers heard Mike state he thought you taught strip dancing or pole dancing in a sarcastic tone. So you were never actually called a stripper, just someone who taught strip dancing. Again, talk to Mike.

      The whore word. I have no reference. But I do know what I would call a woman who was sleeping with my husband. Enough said.

      “…that I’m not her mom in anyway…” Quite frankly, you have not earned the right, much less the privilege to be Chloe’s “mom”. Mom’s don’t cause pain and anguish, their instincts are to protect. The day you learned Mike was married or that Sue was pregnant was the day when you should have walked the other way.

      “She uses me taking care of myself and my appearance as a tool to hurt me.”

      I am not sure as to what you are referring too. Sue is a promoter of health and fitness. She is extremely active and enjoys running. If one thing she would encourage and support is you taking care of yourself.

      “She has even gone to the extremes to try to prove I’m not a fit parental unit by putting me on a sex website, calling my boss and telling them I’m unfit for my job, verbally attacking me in a parking lot with extremely hurtful words, and even teaching her daughter to not recognize my family as her family.”

      Sue never put you on a sex website! Your phone number was FOUND attached to a phone sex website by Sue’s friend. Simply “google” your phone number.

      Sue called your workplace and requested that her daughter’s name be removed from your company’s public website. She never referenced your job or your ability to do your job. She simply did not want her daughter’s name on a public website AND she did ask Mike to have it removed prior to contacting your workplace. However, he told Sue to “deal with it”. So she did. End of story. And by the way, I read the bio. She did you a favor. It was grammatically and structurally a mess. I believe the word “got” was even utilized.

      Verbally attacking me in a parking lot. I am assuming when you state, “verbally attacking,” you are referring to cruel words. So destroying her family, having sex with her husband and cheating on your own husband was “nice”?

      Your family is not Chloe’s family. (Yes, I know some of you reading this do not agree but we all have opinions, no?) They are friends but Chloe has a family and that family loves her very much.

      “I have never done anything bad in my life…”

      Uh…just read the above and below. I think everyone gets the picture.

      “We never say anything bad about her mother nor would we even think about doing so.”

      Ok, anyone else confused? You all know this statement is a complete fabrication. Right? I…we…all just read your blog post and all the horrible things you write about “your stepdaughter’s mother”. On social media. In a venue that is public. In a blog that has received national attention.

      “We get her excited to go to mommy’s house and even communicate with her mom on all of her activities throughout her visits.”

      It is not Mommy’s house. It is Mommy and Chloe’s house. Chloe needs a home and she has one. She is ALWAYS excited to come home.

      I am not even sure how to respond to the second half of your sentence. It is a complete fabrication. Mike NEVER in the past shared or in the present shares Chloe’s activities, nap time, what she has eaten, who she was with, etc. when she is visiting her dad. In fact, Mike has stated to Sue “he is not a babysitter” and doesn’t have to tell Sue anything during “his time”. True. He is not a babysitter. A babysitter provides more information then Mike has ever offered. I have seen the text messages from Mike when Sue inquires, How is Chloe? Is she in bed? What did she eat? His responses are normally, Fine. In bed. She ate. Horrible! Chloe is barely 3 years old. Mike has been doing this since she was a six month old baby. To some extent, his lack of response to simple questions is on the borderline of abusive due to possible harm to Chloe. Who does not share with their child’s mother what she has had to eat, when she slept, what her activities were for the day and who has she spent time with? Simply horrible behavior from a grown man!

      Sue will try to call or text Mike during Chloe’s time with him and he refuses to answer or text back, simply to be cruel and malicious. I have an easier time contacting or getting a response my niece who is deployed in Afghanistan.

      Seriously. “… communicate with her mom on all of her activities throughout her visits” I am still reeling from shock from this statement. One, I cannot believe you wrote it and two, it is the complete opposite of the truth.

      “Now her mother is contacting my husband to go to lunch, shows, dinners, movies with just the 3 of them to ensure I am not in my stepdaughter’s life:(”

      Sue is trying to form a co-parenting relationship with Mike. Chloe is very sad her parents do not do things together with her. She has asked many times for Sue to come with her to Mike’s house and vice versa. Not exactly going to happen, if you know what I mean. However, she does not want her daughter hurting or sad. She is giving Chloe a secure relationship with both of her parents. Chloe’s relationship with her mother and father should be the number one priority.

      You again fail to tell the whole story. Sue has been inviting Mike to various activities and outings with Chloe so Mike can have additional time with Chloe outside of his designated parenting time. And yes, she does not invite you. Why would she? However, she still believes it is important for Chloe to establish and maintain a relationship with her father. If Mike chooses not to take advantage of the opportunities placed before him, then it is his loss. I would think you would encourage, not discourage, Mike to spend as much time with his daughter as he is able to.

      *Side bar (Please note you could be following me down the rabbit hole…) Divorce is a crazy messed up situation when it comes to kids. As a married couple, my husband and I decide together who are children should come in contact with and whom they do not. We don’t always agree but respect each other enough to value the other’s opinion. In divorce, the court says this is Mom’s time and this is Dad’s time, what you do with your child during that time is no business of the other parent. Seems absolutely ridiculous. Because of divorce, one parent essentially loses their voice at various periods of time. My Uncle Phil is a loud mouthed old man whose every sentence contains some foul word or statement. I still like to visit him, but my husband really does not want him around our children. I am saddened by this request, but I respect him enough to compromise and we do short quick visits when the kids are with us. My husband has an aunt who smokes like a chimney in her house. (Swear I can smell smoke for a week after we leave there.) I do not want my kids sitting in cigarette smoke. So again, we do short quick visits as a compromise.

      My point, why should a parent not be able to choose who their child spends time with or who their child is exposed to even in a divorce situation? I know. I know. Many of you reading this are screaming, “My ex would never allow my children around my new spouse if he/she had the choice.” I am sure your statement is true. I do not have a fix or a great solution but I do know taking away a parent’s voice or role in their child’s life, simply due to divorce, doesn’t seem right either.

      “We are currently in a custody battle as we only have her Tuesday and Wednesday nights.”

      Huh? We? Battle? Really? Chloe’s visitation days are every week Tuesday and Wednesday per the custody order and Mike’s request when that order went into place. The visitation schedule was set up because those were the two days that coordinated with Mike’s work schedule at the time. Last January, mind you TWELVE months ago, Mike decided to change jobs within his company, hence, changing his work schedule. A decision he made, not Sue. Mike emailed Sue two weeks before his new schedule was to take place, thus creating chaos in both Sue’s and Chloe’s life. Sue did not want the schedule to change. She had already rearranged her own career, turned down other opportunities for herself to advance and canceled her plans to move closer to her family to accommodate Mike’s schedule prior to January 2014, and quite frankly, was appalled at his lack of consideration of anyone else involved in his sudden decision, to include his own daughter. Mike has admitted the change in jobs was not a promotion, not an increase in salary but simply a change in hours. Hours that benefitted him and only him. And to be honest, he has tried the “new” job twice in the past when married to Sue and he was extremely unhappy, always returning to his previous job. The greatest predictor of the future is the past.

      Prior to January 2014, Chloe was able to spend two days a week with each parent. Two full days!! And only three days in daycare, in the working parent world that is AWESOME!! And in the divorced parent world, even more AWESOME!!

      Mike had his attorney file a suit for custody about ten months ago but has done NOTHING since that time. Sue is a wonderful, caring mother and the “battle” you are referring to has been non-existent. A year later, Mike now wants to go to court? Yes, I did say… A YEAR later. Really?!? Glad to see the “battle” you are referring too has actually taken a year to even come to realization.

      Of course, since filing for custody. Mike decided to start attending Chloe’s activities. Such as swim lessons and I believe he has been to church with her once or twice. Prior to the court filing, Sue NEVER heard from Mike outside his “parenting time”. All of a sudden, he started requesting additional time and spur of the moment requests for evening dinners with Chloe. So maybe he has spent a year trying to make Sue seem inflexible. Maybe that is the “battle” you are referring too… Mike attempting to build a case against Chloe’s mother. So sorry, but unfortunately, there really aren’t any “blocks” to build with…

      My opinion, and the opinion of many of us on the outside looking in, Sue is simply not catering to Mike and he is throwing a temper tantrum. Sometimes being a parent means you make sacrifices and put your child ahead of yourself. That appears to be a problem for both you and him.

      “She won’t agree to weekends unless I am not there…”

      Again, you fail to mention a very key factor with the weekends. Mike is an alcoholic who refuses to get help. He is not a daily drinker but a binge drinker. Many of Sue and Mike’s friends have witnessed the excessive drinking many times when him and Sue were together. Mike starts drinking and cannot stop. His mother was an alcoholic (per her admission in a legal affidavit), hence one of the key reasons she and Sue did not relate and did not care for each other. Weekends were/are drinking days for Mike. In fact, YOU have been seen assisting with carrying him out of the bar more then once in recent months. He drinks to the point of dangerous. Yes, it is ok to drink alcohol and have fun but it is NEVER ok to drink alcohol if you have a problem. The key is admitting you have a problem. Sue was in the process of getting him help through the local addiction center prior to their separation.

      “My stepdaughter’s mother has now decided to be a motivational speaker on raising a child alone with a husband who has a new wife but people don’t see how she treats us.”

      Maybe you should actually listen to her. The following are Sue’s words, not mine.

      “To those out there that are struggling with whatever battle you are fighting, find someone who has been through it to help support you whatever it is. There is always a bright future ahead even when you think it is impossible. Often times the journey after that tumultuous storm is the best journey of your life.”

      She speaks of moving forward after having life throw huge curve balls at you but persevering on. She has been through hell and back, and largely because of your actions. Maybe you should try walking in her shoes for once.

      “My husband lost his mom last year and when he told his ex-wife the news, she responded “well, karma’s a bi***.” We then had to take the extreme measures and get a court order to even let my step-daughter see her grandma one last time before she past because her mom wouldn’t let her.”

      “Well, karma’s a bi***.” A claim from Mike, but if I were her, I guess I would say the same thing. Your husband’s mother was not kind to Sue. In fact, your husband’s mother was extremely cruel to Sue and encouraged Mike to “get rid of Sue” because she did not care for her. And Sue did not care for her either. Sue did not grow up with an alcoholic mother and was absolutely appalled at some of the things Mike’s mother said or did to him and to Sue.

      No court order was obtained. I am assuming you put that in your post purely for increased sympathy. Per Mike, his mother was incoherent and unresponsive. Sue did not understand why Mike wanted their not even two year old daughter to go visit his mother, who, according to him, would not even know Chloe was in the room. Realistically, Chloe does not remember her grandmother, no young child would, your point is mute. But NO COURT ORDER was ever obtained. Chloe’s god-mother went with Sue and Chloe to the hospital and Mike took Chloe up to his mother’s room for a few minutes. But, thank you, it was a good “mountains out of molehills story”.

      In conclusion…

      My opinion, I will say your are correct when you state, “Sue does not want you around her daughter.” You do not share the same morals and ethics or place the same value on human relationships. Sue is a kind and generous woman. Her smile and laughter light up the room. She loved Mike with her whole heart. She was looking forward to their new daughter and their life together.

      As a woman, I do not understand you. As a mother, I am appalled by you. I do not know one woman in my peer group who would believe cheating on your husband or even starting an affair with a married man would be “OK”. And to know an innocent child is involved, even more horrific.

      You must take responsibility for your own actions. You were the primary catalyst that destroyed your stepdaughter’s family. The absolute selfishness one must possess to do what you did borders on narcissism. One must be completely self absorbed to purposely enable the emotional destruction of so many.

      Mike and Sue’s marriage was the envy of many of their friends. I saw the love Mike had for Sue and listened to the plans he had for their future. Marriage is a work in progress. There are highs and lows. You took advantage of a low time. Trust me, we all have those moments, you will too. Hopefully, there will not be another YOU around the corner when your marriage has a low moment.

      You state you are a good person but your actions contradict your statements. Your lack of self-reflection serves only to highlight your true character and illuminates your weak moral fiber despite your grandiose statements to the contrary. Sue wants Chloe to grow up and have a strong moral and ethical foundation. She doesn’t want Chloe to think people are disposable and that if something is difficult that you just give up. She also wants Chloe to respect God and understand the promises and commitments made in front of God are important. Sue does not want Chloe to be deceitful or cruel and to respect the union of marriage, to know it is not something you just “throw away” because the “grass looked a little greener on the other side of the fence”.

      Also, you continue to be very vindictive and appear to enjoy “twisting the knife” in Sue’s back just a little more each day. Sue has asked Mike that you not post pictures of Chloe or discuss Chloe on social media websites, however, you continue to do so. In my opinion, it is your way of saying, “F*** you” without verbally stating it. Sue has accepted your behavior because “that is your true character”. So, I guess, post away. We all know what you are doing.

      Your words of altruism fall on deaf ears. Your actions contradict your statements. Your inability to think and act beyond your selfish id facilitated the emotional destruction/wounding of multiple families and individuals.

      Chloe receives plenty of love to last her a hundred lifetimes. As others have stated, Chloe will eventually grow and learn who you really are…a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

      Setting It Straight

      For those that are still reading this outburst of verbal diarrhea, thank you for being my “sound board” . I am married with children and my family is my world. I have opinions and I am outspoken. When I learned of KMP13soblessed’s blog post, I was absolutely shocked. I could no longer accept the attacks on my friend through social media. Sue is a dear friend who I have known for many years. I felt utterly compelled to share the “other side of the story”. I watched Sue go through a truly horrible period of time in her life, she was pregnant, in a state of shock and put through what I would consider emotional abuse by the one person who was suppose to love her, support her and be her biggest fan, her husband.

      • Wow! How awesome of you to defend your friend. For telling her side through your eyes and what you’ve witnessed.
        What a great friend ‘Sue’ has in you.
        As I read these attacks against one another and in my opinion seems to come more from the new wives….I know as in my situation most are untrue or are greatly exaggerated.
        It’s crazy that you’d be ‘lucky’ enough to see her blog and have this opportunity.
        Happy New Year….hope 2015 brings some peace

      • Ha this is definitely not a friend of “Sue”. It’s “Sue” who wrote this. There is no such thing is a “mute” point. The word you are looking for there is “moot”. You sound incredibly bitter and all of your issues are with “Mike”, not this other woman. You’ll never find peace with this twisted narrative. Mike let you down. your marriage was certainly nothing to be envious of, and Mike is the asshole for throwing away marriage and your future as a family. That’s not even something the other woman is capable of! SHE wasn’t married to you! Get it together lady. You’re the one hurting people now.

  167. Wow, what a great letter. As a step mom myself I would love to have the type of relationship the two of you have. Most of us aren’t trying to replace mom… We just love those kiddos too and want to help be there for them as they grow!

  168. I married a man that had 4 small children. he had full custody. we raised the children I loved them as my own. never heard from real mom except one time. after hubby died kids does not have anything to do with me now even when I had been “Mom ” for 35 years. they say we are not blood. blood does not make you better.

    • Mickey Holden, I have heard story before. I have to tell you that reading yours saddens me today as much as the first time I heard it. I don’t understand why people can be so selfish and in my opinion cruel. I can only hope that you take pride in helping your husband raise 4 children, and that during those 35 years, you felt pride, joy and love. Again, in my opinion their behavior sadly shows disrespect not only to you but to their fathers memory. You did not mention if their mom came back into their lives after your husband passed. Regardless, I want to extend my heartfelt sympathy to you because you not only lost the man you loved but the 4 human beings that you loved, nurtured and cared for. I am sad that they did not learn what you showed them everyday, that blood does not make a real family, love does. Just remember, their mother was out of their life for all those years and tragically, in her absence they learned from her and the life she lived, and that is that deserting the ones that love you and need you the most do not count. I believed they learned selfishness from her and that in their lives, they are the only ones that matter, such a tragedy. Please pray for them and that they break that chain of selfishness especially if they should ever become parents. I hope you grieved your loss and have found peace and forgiveness. After all you have done, the last thing you need in your heart is bitterness. I wish you joy, health, happiness and peace, and a Merry Christmas.

  169. My husband sent something similar to this letter to his ex-wife after he and I married, stating he wished it would be like this one day. I agree with other posts, in that it’s important for all parents to be unified and on the same page for their children’s sake. That wasn’t the case with us. She hated the idea of one weekend a month with my husband’s little family that she went crazy, literally…like we had a psych eval completed during court proceedings…she has papers kind of crazy! My husband warned me time and again that reaching out to her would only hurt me, and he was right. Here we are two years later, we now have full custody, and a terrible relationship with this woman due to the lies she told and continues to feed to her innocent child. A warning to all divorced mother’s: you’re divorced for a reason, try to make peace with your past and move on, be happy your child has one more person to love him/her as their own. Courts aren’t what they were 20 years ago, where the mother was always the best option for a child. We’re living proof. We did what we were told per the judge, our attorney and the amicus assigned by the court. She did whatever she wanted, regardless. And here we are today.

    There are times a feel sorry for this woman, her daughter loves her dearly and I can’t imagine the sense of loss she must feel. But then I remember how bent she is on destroying my family. I constantly worry about how this has affected our young daughter, and yes I say our, because she is my daughter in every aspect expcet birthing her. Know that your hatred will be noticed by your child one day. Put a lid on it!

  170. As both a Mom that divorced with a child and a Stepmom, I wish every new stepparent and divorced to be parents would keep in mind that the child(ren) do not need additional hurt after a divorce. It would be great if all parents going into divorce would take a course on how not to talk bad about the other parent or their new partners to their child(ren). When people divorce each other, they do not divorce the child. No one ever dreams about either role this letter portrays but realities enter into life and we have to muddle our way through – not always equipped to deal with everything that is being thrown at us. As a Stepmom, I didn’t have many chances to be that bonus Mom to my kids – as a natural Mom, I encouraged my child to try and speak with her Dad and 2nd wife. I have to admit that I did not go out of the way to try and keep open communication between all on either side. But I did try and keep things positive and wished for my child to feel comfortable enough to be able to call her Stepmom Mom too. I would think that in any case, a parent would want to know that their child(ren) are able to look at their new step Mom or Dad and feel comfortable enough, loved enough to call them Mom or Dad too.

  171. Pingback: Woman writes heartwarming letter to her daughter’s stepmom | New York news

  172. hey, I just have to say this article touched me deeply. I was reading it from the daughter’s point of view and it made me cry. Cry because my former step mum was horrible and really made the relationship with my father hard and distant. But also because I am so happy and glad to read that it can be different, that it can actually be warm and loving and beautiful.
    Thanks for that! And all the very best all the way from Germany.

  173. Not only a big hurray for the stepmum, but for you and your ex-husband as well. I think a lot of parents can learn from this. It doesn’t always have to be bad, just always put the children first!

  174. This was a great story. Stepmothers that do it right are true (and rare) gifts.

    My stepmother was a beast. She was jealous of me and went out of her way to drive a wedge between me and my biological dad.

    Anyway, I don’t have any stepchildren, but I always knew that if I did, I would work hard to keep the child from the previous marriage as the first priority. If you don’t like it, marry someone else.

  175. Your article was absolutely touching and heartfelt. I am just a year into the step parent role and try my very best to be the best role model for my partners children while always keeping the respect of their mother at heart. Having grown up with divorced parents I always try to be the step mother I always wish I had. It is a daily struggle as it is not always easy to love children with all of your heart knowing they will never be your own, however this article gives me so much happiness that they will always know just how much I love and care about them…and that their mom knows it too! Having being raised by a single mother I have nothing but respect for the children’s mother and we get along great too! It makes me so happy that we can provide a positive environment for the kids as they grow up, and that she includes me in co-parenting them. Thank you for this article. I hope it inspires others to put the children first 🙂

  176. As a child of divorce, I almost don’t believe this post is truthful. I hope it is. As one in the unfortunate position of having several “parents,” I pray I might also offer this response to unplanned “others” if the situation ever requires it. I am happily married for 21 years, but one never knows, right? If this step-mother actually exists, she is a DREAM.

  177. This story touches my heart because I am a stepmom, not to a girl but a boy. I knew his mom long before my husband was with her but was never that close, not until after I met him did I know how special their son was. Since I knew his mom and her family it was so easy for her to be happy that we found eachother and for her to move on to be happy herself. My stepson is now 13 and plays football, we sit with her family at all his games and have a great time. On Mother’s Day we write eachother on Facebook to let the other know how important they are and have given her sister advice during her pregnancy because I just went through my own. Whenever one of us is down the other writes words of encouragement. I’m thankful for my family, even the extended part. My husband jokes that we should get divorced so that our son together can be as lucky as my stepson to have 4 loving parents, but I hope it never comes to that.

  178. So glad I will never have to deal with this. I’ve been with my husband 25 years, since I was 17 and he 21, and we’ve had 5 sons together…I just don’t think I can say “our” sons to another woman whether I liked her or not. Then again, I guess it’s one of those things that has to happen before you truly know how you will respond…but right now in my head, I’d rather stab a fork in my eye than share my boys…I envy those of you who do do this, though 😉

  179. This letter is so inspiring and brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could have what you have. I too am a step-mom, but of two boys I have never had the privilege of meeting. My husband and I have been together for 6 years now and I have never been allowed to meet them. They are 10 and 12 now and they live in Michigan with their mother and we live in NH with our new baby boy. She has made it very clear that if he wants to see his boys, me and our son are never to be included.They are never allowed to visit their dad out here….he has to fly to Michigan if he wants to see them. So he does….for every single holiday and for their Birthdays. I don’t want to cause any problems for my husband seeing his sons so I just keep the peace by staying home when he flies out to visit them. It really makes me sad that they will never know the love I could have given them and that they believe all the lies their mother has told them about me. It also makes me sad that they are missing out on knowing their new baby brother! I think I would have been an amazing stepmom to them if I was given the chance. I can only hope that as they get older, they learn that I was never this evil person I was portrayed to be.

    Best wishes and God bless!

  180. I am a stepmum and only wish my stepkids’ mother felt even a tiny bit of the gratitude that this writer has for her daughter’s stepmum. It is beautifully written but makes me sad that my role has and never will be accepted from my husband’s ex wife, who still refuses to even talk to me. Even her children acknowledge the value of the input I have into their lives. I loved them long before my husband and I had children together, and I am fiercely protective of them. They are teenagers now and are living with us. I am the cook, the taxi driver, up early with little kids and up late waiting on the teenagers to get home. Just a small thank you – 2 words even!!!

  181. Thank you for sharing this open letter. As a stepmom for 14 years it’s nice to know that there are good relationships out there. I have wanted nothing more than to get along with the biomom; however she has no interest and has stated many times that she will never do anything with our family even where her son is concerned. With him being 18, almost 19 I’ve pretty much given up hope for things to ever work out.

  182. I know a situation were my boyfriend was raised with 4 parents and when his stepmother had her own children she pushed my boyfriend and his brother away, to the point his own father pushed him away and now he doesn’t want anything to do with them and we have our own child and it’s sad our son has grandparents alive but pushes him away.

  183. I LOVED THIS!
    I come from a family that my dad left when i was born and my mom & moms grand patents raised me. I spent 15 years with my dad and occasionally would see my dad and step mom. My family was never thrilled that he left my mom and married this other woman. Well I went to live with them when I was 17 and failing high school and almost ended up pregnant like some of my other friends thats the road I was going down at least. I had to face a lot of problems addressed to me. Like learn a whole new state, make new friends, learn 2 new sides of the family. I mean at 17 I was shocked… Just because i got to know my dad finally without bad words from my mother’s side of the family. And I learned about my step mom as well and her family. Things were tough at first and one day my dad and I were arguing and I knew I secret about him I never revealed to him. That i knew he had another daughter from another woman who wasn’t my step mom or mother. His face when I said it was heart breaking. He stopped and looked at me ‘how did you find out?’ I told him how and things were tense for a little bit. As I was in my step moms and dads house I had to respect her and grew to love her as a mom figure despite what family would say on my moms side. Now I am 23, and I have an amazing relationship with all 3 parents and though the one time they were all together was my high school graduation party, it went well except the families were seperated to different houses. I wish my mom and step mom had a relationship like this. It’s beyond warming and heart felt and kissed my soul with the woman I should be.

    Now as a 23 year old I am capable of such a strong love. And unconditional love for my boyfriend who has a child from another woman. I never thought I’d be here in my step moms shoes what she did for me. His biological mother has already tried to talk to me but only to start drama so i blocked her. But as I read this, I see the potential to hopefully having a co parent relationship with her if I can. I have never forced this little boy to call me mom or anything. But I have already been so attached and she him frequently when he is with my boyfriend. My boyfriend also has legal rights to his son, my boyfriend is a great father and would do anything for his son. I want to have a relationship with his biological mother. And I hope we can have a civil decent relationship for her son.

    I applaud all step moms and moms alike. We all want them same thing for the children.
    Much love and hugs to you all!

  184. I am so very grateful for this letter and just to know that such a thing is possible brings me hope. There is no such reciprocation of maturity in my situation (I’m the stepmom) and it has been a nightmare for a very long time. But I find healing from your words, and they are exactly the words I have always needed to hear! My eyes are full of tears and my heart full of gratitude beyond words to express! Thank you for sharing this with a world of stepmom in pain!

  185. I am 23 and have no children, but being a child of an even different type of family goes to show how terrible the biological mother can be more often than not. My mom? She’s the best. My parents divorced when I was 4 and when my brothers were 13 and 15. Something I didn’t realize at the time was my father had a crazy drinking problem, he wasn’t abusive to us of my recollection. He just drank way to much. Every visit following both my brothers and I would go. We all went camping with my dads family and his new girlfriend (even as a child I hated camping I was afraid of the dark and couldnt get the peeing thing down). The first nigh of course my dad was drinking and I told him I had to pee and he sent his girlfriend to help me I cried and cried cause I ended up peeing on myself. That night it stormed and stormed I woke up to everyone being loud around the fire and threw up and I screamed and my dad came, saw, and started yelling. Fast forward after my brothers helped me change and comforted me a fight broke out between my dad and his girlfriend presumably about me. My dad was trying to push her into the fire so his step dad Phil told my brothers to get me and get in the car. My middle brother grabbed me and my other brother shielded us both from flying beer bottles. He starts to fight my oldest brother and my middle brother throws himself and me into the bed of an El Camino that my step grandfather was driving with the beat up girlfriend and my drunk grandmother in the front seat my oldest brother took off jumped in the bed and laid over me so beer bottle after beer bottle didn’t hit me. Then my oldest brother stopped going cause he was no longer of age to be forced to, soon after my other brother too. The whole time my mother not saying a word of how she felt about my father because she wanted us to decide on our own. Never forced child support on him as long as he made an effort with us. I remember coming to my dads house that he shared with my step mom and regularly seeing her with black eyes and bruises but at 4.. that was nothing to me. She was kind and bought me presents for my birthday and Christmas. She played with me in the other room when my dad began to drink. She was a sweet lady. Once I cam over and she was cooking and I remember she had a big bandage on her arm and I asked her what happened. She told me she did it cooking, it was really where my dad threw a glass at her. After awhile my middle brother started coming with me again to their house (apparently around town my father was now known for his one room apartment parties that he would throw on weekends.) I remember playing with my dolls on the sidewalk and my brother and his friend playing cards close by and crazy party going on. A fight broke out (go figure) and I remember my brother going to a neighbors apartment and calling my mom. Many years later I found out my mom had called the cops to come and get us or asked if she could and they said it’s his weekend you can’t take them. So her and my grandmother sat across the street in her car all night long just in case we needed her. After that night I didn’t see him much any more. I was 9 then. He made many promises to get me, and would never show. I would cry and my mom would silently comfort me. My mother was a strong woman to not speak ill of my father of my step mother. I believe my mother really appreciated the things my step mother did, but never got the opportunity to do so. They divorced and I have no idea where she is today, but she did the best she could for me. Why she stuck with my dad I don’t know, but I appreciate her presence for myself.

    Now I said the good AND bad right? Both of my brothers have children of their own now. And both of them have custody of their children. My oldest brother married a woman she was nice, but strange. She got pregnant and it all got crazy from there. Talking to her unborn child constantly and telling the child that she was sorry she choose such a sorry dad. In fact the night she went into labor she was throwing plates at him for getting her pregnant. I remember coming to their house after the baby was born and helping my mom clean the house of the mess that lady made, (cause that’s the type of person my mom is) and crying over the things that woman had broken that I knew my brother held dear to his heart (lots of military stuff from when he was a Marine). From day on the mother was infatuated with this little girl. Like clearly obsessed. She got remarried and had a son that she barely even spoke to because of her obsession with my niece. Fast forward and my niece was 6. My brother fought tooth and nail for years to see her regularly and it never happened. He never had much money after leaving the military so never got to pay for a good attorney to accompany him, but he married a wonderful woman and fought along side him to make sure his daughter was purely taken care of. And last year they won this battle when the mother was found to be a meth addict, doing crazy stuff in the house with both of her children, and convincing the children of the hallucinations she saw regularly on drugs. He won that case and the mother can now only have supervised visits by a mediator. She mostly gets thrown out of those for inappropriate behavior. In this case the step mom was the only way to rescue that little girl from a terrible place. My niece calls her mom, respects her, and its visible shes thankful she can be a little kid again. She also adores my brother and she is the light of his world.

    Bad mother number 2. My middle brother had a girlfriend who was pathological liar. Anything and everything, she lied about it. They got pregnant (because he thought she was on birth control) and my first nephew was born. I was 12 years old at the time and his mom would regularly leave me at home with him alone while my brother and mom were away at work. I grew up really fast more or less becoming this kids mother. At the age of about 1 1/2 she left.. never spoke to us just disappeared. He called me mom and that took a long time to fix. (He now at 11 calls me Nana; my name was hard to say.) When he was 5 she reappeared with lots of money from her new marriage and snatched custody away because my brother was out of work and unfit because of that. (He was electrocuted on the job and it had a blew a whole through his foot.) For FIVE grueling years she would not let any of us see him. The summer before 5th grade for him he came to visit us FINALLY (as long as we promised not to take him to his daddy’s or to see his stepmom) and she once again disappeared. Never heard from her we even enrolled him in school he went for about a month and she appeared snatched him away and said we had no right. He spent that year in and out of school missed about 30 days of school. And his stepdad protected him a lot. Took care of him when the mom would disappear arrange secret visits with us. God Bless that man. Every time we would take him home he would break my heart crying and crying please don’t take me back. Luckily our visits and our promises to him that we never stopped loving him and we were always here trying to see him empowered him to speak to his counselor at school and he stood up to her when she lied to him. She dropped him off again for the summer, never to return, only to be taken to court, and custody snatched from her. She never calls, never tries to see him. Her lies on social media are that he has a brain condition that his father caused so he lives with him so my brother can pay for the expenses. My nephew is a happy boy, who obviously can’t stand his stepsisters. He calls his moms other 2 sons regularly to talk to them (they live with their dad too). He’s my bestfriend and there’s a bond between he and I that no one can separate.

    Choices of parents is what causes this turmoil. What parents and step parents alike need to understand is the main thing her is the CHILD. Not your feelings of dislike or hatred. When you have a child that is all void. Respect any other parent that is involved in your life so that your kid can see the compassion you have the ability of giving in situation no one really wanted. Step parents are great, and they can be terrible, as well as the biological parents. It the person who makes the parent, not the title. Just saying! Stay civil ladies and gentlemen! :]

    • I’m a step mom of a 13 year old boy and I can’t imagine having a decent relationship with my step son’s birth mother. I don’t even HAVE a relationship with her. She’s a drunk and a narcissist so I’m not the only person who doesn’t have a relationship with her yet I’m with her son more than she is. Her priority is herself. That’s it! Upon reading this article, one of the step mother’s in a support group I am a part of, remarked that the author may be feeling guilty for her past treatment of the step mother in her life. I hope that’s not the case but it’s something to consider. I wish I had hope to have a decent and civil relationship with the birth mother who prioritizes a glass of beer over spending time with her son. Her last birthday was spent drinking of course, falling down on the ground in front of her friends and also, in front of her then 12 year old son. I know this because he told me about it. I could go on but you get the character of this mother in name only. She is one of those women who should never have had a child. She asks my partner regularly “I don’t know what to do with him. Will you take him?”. I feel for my stepson. He’s half of her and has some selfish traits like his mother although, he’s a teenager! At least he has a stable home when he’s with us. He knows he’s cared for and supported. We never ‘forget’ to pick him up or drink alcohol and say “I can’t collect him, I’ve been drinking”. No-one prepared me for life as a stepmother but I’ve always loved kids and I know enough to know that you are NOT supposed to treat kids as fashion accessories or toys that you hand out to your friends when they ask for him but you yourself can’t be bothered unless it brings you attention. Disgusting behavior in every way.

  186. Your letter touched me. I am a step-mom and to read the words you write for your daughters step-mom gives me hope. I have a civil relationship with my daughters mom, we make things work but I do feel she will always have that last bit of jealousy for our daughter’s and I’s relationship that shows its face every so often. As much as I become deflated at times, I hope one day she will look at me and my relationship with our daughter like you do to your daughters step-mom. Its wonderful to hear that there are some really strong and mature women out there. Great story

  187. I have spent the past 30 minutes just reading the post from all you beautiful strong women! Man I just hope that one day I will be strong as each one of you! I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and in our relief society they teach us how to be christlike mothers and I just never understood how I can be like that. I can just say that you all exemplify Christ through your actions and I am so touched by all your stories! WOW. Thank you all so much!

  188. Wow you really are the most incredible mother. What a sweetheart. This post is amazing & as a step mummy I have ways en devoured to be close to my step daughters mum. It hasn’t happened yet but she shows trust at times in me & let’s me pick her up from school. Hope in some way she could see this article being circulated & learn from your beautiful words. What a kind heart you have. Bless you xx

  189. Truly beautiful. I vividly remember wrapping my arm round my now ex partners son as he snuggled into my side on the sofa and the death stare I received from his mother who was standing across the room. It really saddened me that she seemed to resent the love her son got from me.

  190. i choked up while reading this. As a mother, you can only hope that your child’s father will find someone who loves and accepts your children and treats them kindly. 99% of co-parenting doesn’t end like this. While this is in the best interest of the children and I fully support a co-parenting relationship like this, I don’t have this yet. My ex has a woman in his life, she is good to my kids. I often go through my kids’ phones to be sure they are behaving and I find myself looking at texts she has sent to my kids. She is kind and thoughtful, her texts are sweet and compassionate. I appreciate the things she does for my kids, like doing my daughter’s hair, buying her earrings, sticking up for my son when his dad gets after him. I never would have expected that I would be ok with my kids having another woman in their lives. My daughter asks me if she can send her dad’s girlfriend pictures from my phone or if she sees something in the store that reminds her of her dad’s girlfriend, she wants to buy it. It doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t make me upset, I smile bc she feels that comfortable with her. This past weekend, at a party, my daughter hurt herself while dancing. I was busy trying to clean up water that spilled and although I tended to my daughter, I asked her dad’s girlfriend to help comfort her. That was the first time I knowingly passed on my motherly duty and did it without hesitation! I hold out hope that one day, I may have this type of relationship with my kids’ mom away from mom!!! (It’s my ex husband who prevents this type of relationship because he is so bitter that I left him. It’s been 3 years yet he acts like it happened yesterday)

  191. Reblogged this on Shauna Smiles and commented:
    This post is a beautiful must read for any mother either sharing their child with another women or sharing their life with another women’s child. Unfortunately to this point I have not had this with my children. As a matter of fact it has been pure hell until recently. When my daughter recently had her baby my ex husband’s girlfriend who has typically made a career of making my life hell was anything but the monster I had known her to so faithfully be. During this experience she was very respectful and supportive of both my daughter’s and my needs. Atone point I stepped out, thinking we had plenty of time, to feed my other daughter and the baby’s father. During the time we were on our way back it became time to start pushing. This women happened to be there in our absence and politely left upon our arrival. After the baby was born we went to the waiting room to get her and my daughter’s friends advised that my daughter’s father had made her leave pretty much against her will because he refused to support his daughter through td experience because she was to.d she had to choose either him or me. I sent,you her daughter to pick her up and bring her back to see the baby. Later that. Night as we were leaving she apologized to me for being in there and stated she just didn’t want to leave her alone. Although I had been polite and understanding about the fact that she clearly still wanted to support my daughter even though her father had turned his back this was the turning point when I realized I didn’t have to force the words that were pouring out of my mouth…. “Don’t appologize. I wouldn’t have wanted you to leave her. I appreciate you staying there.”. I then told her when. I intended on visiting the next day to allow her father the opportunity to do what w as right. Unfortunately, although he visited he never even picked up his new and only grandchild and made quite an ass of himself while there. When I arrived his girlfriend was there along with his mother. Given the opportunity I thanked his girlfriend for handling the situation with some respect the day before. Regardless of how things have been in the past in these special moments she was nothing less than what I would want in my daughter’s lives and I was proud to include her in those moments because she was so respectful.
    I have hopes that the respect and mutual love for my daughters will be our future as well rather than the evil of the past. This post is beautiful and if ever I find myself in the situation to share in the lives of someone else’s children I would strive to be what I would want for my daughters. It’s hard as a mom to share your children but having someone in their lives who loves them and respects you would make it so much easier to accept.

    • I’m so happy that things turned around and got better…..regardless of your ex. I keep hoping and praying that my ex and his wife will see and realize what they’ve turned their backs on. my ex and I have 4 sons 3 of which they have treated like scum and have totally alienated…..due to her insecurites. Our baby is 12 and is afraid of her and loves his dad but is afraid of being treated like his brothers……we have a beautiful grand daughter my ex has yet to acknowledge let alone met…..she’s 1.5 yrs old now…..life is so short.
      My boys have tried but always ended up feeling worse and regret trying.

  192. Pingback: An Open Letter To My Daughter’s Stepmom | MyDivorcePain

  193. I think this is great if this is what works for them. I think there’s a difference between being rude, difficult, and nasty as opposed to having clear boundaries. You do not have to be friends with a step parent in order for your kids to have a healthy thriving childhood. As a mom or dad you have every right to set a boundary that (especially very small kids) won’t be encouraged to call the step parent “mom” or “dad” if the other parent is not on board with that. Sometimes I think the conflicts arise out of a lack of respect for something that has been articulated as a boundary issue and not because some one is jealous or spiteful. My son will only have one mommy and I am her. He can still have a loving kind relationship with a step parent but he has one mommy. I would correct him calling my new partner daddy as well because that’s not who he is. I don’t see anything wrong with that. A boundary is a boundary. I do think it’s great though that this family has found their sweet spot and has a relationship structure that meets their needs. Ultimately that is the goal, creating something that nourishes the kids.

    • Well said I agree with you. As a mom and soon to be step mom….I am my sons mom and my soon to be bonus kids have moms. I would never disrespect that relationship. They don’t have to call me mom for us to have a loving, happy and build a bonding relationship.
      Plus I do believe that something are to be discussed and decided between the bio mom and dad.
      Unfortunately I will never see anything remotely close this relationship with my ex and his new wife. But do have this relationship and respect
      with my fiancés exes.

  194. I searched through the comments to see if anyone had the same reaction to this post as I had and found no matching sentiments, so here I go. For the writer, I respect the relationship she has developed with her daughter’s stepmother and respect the maturity involved in creating and growing that bond. It is truly exceptional.

    At the same time, I don’t think it needs to be glamorized as the target for the rest of us to strive for. I feel that I can respect my husband’s new girlfriend, appreciate all that she brings to my children’s lives that I can’t, and I can be supportive of any relationship she may have with them that helps them grow as people. At the same time, I don’t feel like I need to be in a personal co-parenting relationship with her directly. Their father is still their father, and when matters of their well-being arise, I feel it is him and I who should be discussing the impact across both families. We, as their parents, have known them for 10 and 12 years longer than any new partners, and for as much as I appreciate a step parent for jumping in and embracing my children as her own, I still feel that the parenting responsibility lies primarily with us. If I am asked for my opinion or advice on a matter by a new step-mom, I’ll definitely be open to share and discuss, but I will always see her as a secondary in my kids’ lives. For that reason, I would also expect that my step-kids know that I’m there for them, to listen and to help where I can, but ultimately, decisions for their well being should be left to their parents.

    If there are issues in one house, they should be resolved in that house. For issues that cross the thresholds of both, I’d prefer to speak to their father…the one who pays the child support and who has had an interest in their lives for so much longer. I don’t feel that undermines a stepmother’s authority with the kids because eventually dad and stepmom will discuss and decide how they will handle things in their home in light of my opinions and input.

    This woman is his partner, not mine. Discussing my kids with her undermines his authority as their parent. With 50/50 shared custody and younger children I may feel differently, but this post really had me feeling like I’m an ice-Queen for not including her. I’d prefer, instead, to let them, as a couple, parent together and remove myself from their relationship and home.

    • I definitely understand where you’re coming from. My parents raised us quite similarly, and it worked out great for us. There is mutual respect and cordiality, and the birth parents raise the children as a Unit, while the step parents are supporting beams, I think that’s an awesome thing. 🙂

    • I agree with you, I think this arrangement may work for some but not in every situation. I am a step mother to college age boys and I came into their lives after they graduated high school-forming a close relationship with their mother would be weird for all of us.

  195. This is a great post! I don’t have any “step” children but I do have a “step” niece and I think of her as my niece….and she thinks of me as her auntie. Maybe this is easier for us Auntie’s, but children deserve to be loved. So yes, hurt definitely happens when people divorce or split…but this post is saying let the hurt go….because to not let it go will make you and everyone…..not just the step mom/dad and ex…..but kids, family and friends miserable too. They say it takes more energy to hate then to forgive and learn to love. So learn to love….learn to forgive, if you can’t do it for your kids (which I really have to wonder what loving parent wouldn’t do anything for there kid….I am a mom and would do anything for my kids)….then at least do it for yourself! Sending prayers to all!

    • I also have a step nephew and I love him just as much as I love my blood nephews. My sister and his daddy have recently split up, but he is and will always be my nephew. And his daddy knows that. So I completely understand and can relate in that way. =) In my eyes, he is an additional blessing to our family. And we couldn’t imagine lives without him in it.

  196. Such a beautiful article. As a daughter of divorced parents, I am a thankful case. My parents divorced when my siblings and I were young, my mother has been withmy stepdad for close to 20 years now, and my dad has been with his girlfriend for close to 11. My parents always raised us together and as friends. We all preferred to call our step parents by name, even though they were there from a young age. Our parent’s S/Os are dearly loved and respected by us kids. We personally preferred to keep the roles seperate from our birth parents, because our parents always raised us together, and their S/O was a great supporting role, but we didn’t want to lessen the special importance of our birth parents. It all worked out great, everyone has always gotten along well and I am very lucky to have all four of them in my support system! 🙂

    • you truly yourself are a good mother and person,very geniune for admitting to this. both of you are gems. My ex’s new wife we kept in contact & anything she did I was grateful & reminded my son to mind his manners with his stepmom. unfortunately, I welcomed my new step children with open arms & have tried my best to win them. I did until the real mom that was gone for a while came back in the pic, I defended her with her kids & told them, that is their mother & she s going thru some things hopefully everything will work themselves out. she came back with lots of hate & jealousy, went to the extreme & fooled my son to date her daughter, picked them up for dates, told him don’t tell your mom or your stepdad and tried to file charges on my son just to hurt me. In court this came up, when my husband had to file custody because she was MIA but came back. Because of the romeo& Juliet law, my son fortunately was ok. Nothing happened between them. But some women are evil and despicable. They will go as far as to be devious and hurt your own children, well now someone did the same to her own son. I always say karma will get you back. I feel bad for my husband because that is his son & he loves him & it affects him. Sad in no mans land wishing all women were like you two guys 🙂

  197. I was a stepmom. We lost our daughter to Huntington’s Disease 10 years ago Dec 18, 2014. Our friendship remained until her death. My heart has a huge hole for the loss of my daughter and her mother.

    • Hello Heather, I am so sorry to read this. It isn’t often I see anything about HD [other than when I am researching it], I lost my mother to HD 3/2012 and later that year welcomed twin girls that are HD free. My siblings and I have not been tested. I am thinking of you and yours this Holiday season and sending all the love and strength your way. Warmly, Marissa

  198. As a child of divorce I too was like your daughter. My parents never bad mouthed one another in front of us, never showed feelings of jealousy, resentment or anger around us. My parents all sat by one another at our dance recitals, sporting events, etc. And today, as a 42 year old mother my parents still sit together at my sons sporting events, birthdays, etc. I thought all families of divorce were this way until I got older. I commend you and your extended family for truly not putting your daughter in the middle of an adult matter. Thank you for allowing her to love everyone involved. Thank you for accepting yours and you ex’s actions and letting lifemove forward. You are an inspiration!

  199. I want to thank you for this!! I have 2 little ones and their father and I are no longer together. He has a new girlfriend and I have really been struggling to work through this. I truly don’t like this girl that he is with and I am learning to deal with this. There are several reason why I don’t like her that I won’t go into on here. I just wanted to say Thank you so much to you for writing such a beautiful letter to your daughter’s step mom and for the relationship you 2 have. I only hope that one day I will be as lucky as you are!!

  200. Reblogged this on Nectar of Joy and commented:
    To the mother of my stepchildren

    If I dream out loud… I dream that we could respect each other like these 2 woman. That we respect the fact that we are different mothers and that both of us want the best for “our” children.
    I know our situation is way different than the one below. But with dreaming is nothing wrong.
    I have dream!!!

  201. Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. The love for your daughter shines through and she is blessed to have so many gracious loving adults in her life. The higher road certainly isn’t the easiest to travel. I was in a relationship and married to a man for seven years who has two amazing children. I am so thankful to have been in their lives growing up and thankful for their gracious mother who was always kind to me. I never tried to be mom and focused on being a caring and positive adult in my stepson’s and stepdaughter’s lives. I’m divorced now, but I remain good friends with her and feel very blessed to be a part her and the kid’s family. She is a gem!

  202. Hello! What a wonderful, wonderful story…now mine! Lololol…we did this many many years ago! We like to call ourselves pioneers! BOY DO WE HAVE FUNNY STORIES!!! Especially, when we saw two women that became friends, same senario, on oprah…”chrissy we did this years ago! We could of been on tv!)..yes a mom and stepmom! Our “stepmom” (I say stepmom) I call her sis! Long story short…it was 32 years ago we have two well adjusted kids who are adults now!!! We have a grandchild! And can’t wait till (ex)hubby and sis move into our apt complex!!!! And have samba and coffee on the patio!!! Lol….my ex is also my best friend! And lastly my advice…. “take the labels off and just see what is inside of this gal” !!! I love my “sis”….her name is chrissy!

  203. I wish I had someone that felt like this while I was raising their two daughters. Bless you for realizing the kids can love and appreciate many.

  204. I wish I were this lucky. My ex had an affair and then married her. I tried to accept it, but my ex joined her in putting me down, buying things I couldn’t afford, taking her on vacations, you name it. She was a possession to my ex and he was determined she would love him and his new wife more than me. It turned out they got divorced and the damage my ex had tried to do didn’t work because my daughter saw that through everything, I was the one who loved her unconditionally all along. She is now an amazing young woman of 21 majoring in electrical engineering in college, putting herself through with no help from her father, and I can honestly take all the credit for it. After his third marriage and my daughter getting attached to a new step mom, her Dad decided he no longer wanted to be a part of her life or ever see her again. She was 13 and I will never forgive how much he hurt her.

  205. Thank you for writing this. You put into words so nicely what I have trouble expressing to my sons stepmom. It is truely a rare gift I’ve been given to have someone so strong, kind and open to me and my son. We both see the big picture and an upbringing of love is exactly what is needed in my child’s life. I couldn’t do it without her. This brought me to tears. I know I probably won’t hear a reply from you, but this article made the rest of my year and helped provide a spin of hope for all my future years. My best regards! – Kyria

  206. This letter sounds so sweet, but seems completely untrue to life.

    My ex remarried two years after our divorce. When my son’s stay-at-home stepmother started helping me by picking him up after school while I worked two jobs to support us, I thought how nice it was that she was so helpful. But when my ex and my teenage son tried to have custody changed ten years after the divorce, I realized there had been an agenda all along, and that the ‘helpfulness’ was designed to undermine my parenting and provide evidence to a judge that I was not a fit mom. It didn’t succeed legally, but it did alienate my son from me in a wound that has never healed even ten years later.

    I wonder if my son marries, who will fill the place of ‘groom’s mother’, me or my ex’s wife? When grandchildren arrive, will I get to be grandmom or will I be just another relative? I was the best mother I could be, but the dishonest and undermining efforts of my ex and his wife stole from me the recognition and honor of that hard work.

    Only in fairy tales does everyone live happily ever after.

  207. I absolutely love and needed this post. My boyfriend and I are on the track to moving in and get married one day, but his son’s mother has such animosity and nasty feelings towards me. I value myself as a person and I see myself as a great role model to their son. I am getting a Master’s degree, I am an active church member, I do volunteer work with special needs children and I do all in my power to make their son feel comfortable and open with me. So all her bad feelings totally baffle me. I wish we had a more open relationship but she wants nothing to do with me and she makes it very clear to my boyfriend. She thinks I may try to become his mom or take him away, which is not my intention at all. If I wanted that I’d have children of my own. It is so hard and it causes unwanted stress, so I can only hope one day she will be willing to give me a chance and this letter inspired me!

  208. This is an amazing story. I am one of those stepmoms but unfortunately, not lucky enough to have one of those moms. I love my step kids. I pray and hope for the day we will be in peace and co-parent them together. We need more of those moms out there.

  209. I love this letter and wish more women could get along like this instead of tearing each other down.
    I am the daughter in this letter! My parents divorced when i was 9 & both are remarried. I remember my mom & bonus chatting about me on the phone like they were girlfriends and thinking how strange it seemed to me. They were supposed to hate each other! Weren’t they? But that has never been the case and because of their actions i’ve become the woman i am today.
    Recently my mom shared with me that my dad dad did a excellent job finding me a bonus mom! And that every woman in her position should be so lucky

  210. I was once this stepmother. I married the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Him and the mother of his child didn’t get along. She didn’t like me either. At first, it was always tense between the three of us. I was after all the younger woman and I am sure she didn’t want another woman to help raise their son. Over time however, we grew close and she even asked me if I could babysit him. I accepted gladly, because I thought it would be a great chance for him and I to develop some sort of relationship. We grew really close and I was always there for him, if he needed it. I loved that kid and I still do very much so! Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him or think about him. Now that I am no longer with his father, I haven’t been there for him. It makes me sad that I can’t be in his life anymore, but it’s the type of sacrifice you make. I still have his mother as a friend on Facebook though, so once in awhile we will talk and I ask her how he is doing. As much as I am sad though, I am very grateful to have been a part of his life as long as I had been. He was such an incredible little man and I will always cherish those moments with him for as long as I live!

  211. This is so good! I am a child of a divorced family that operated much like yours. My parents (all 4 of them!) have always worked very hard to raise me TOGETHER. Both of my parents have been re-married since I was about 9 years old and as a 28 year old woman now, I feel incredibly lucky to have had parents like mine. My Dad and Step-Mother even embraced my Mother and Step-Father’s children, knowing that my “half” siblings are also a very important part of my life. My brother and sister have grown up knowing my “Other Mom and Dad” and I cannot say enough how important this has been for me. Everyone really did live “Happily Ever After” 🙂

  212. I’m sorry but I don’t agree with step moms and dads. A child got one mom and one dad that’s all they need. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship and I’m not stepmom I’m just Caitlin.

    • I’m sorry for your cold heart. As a child with step parents, i can’t imagine my life with out my stepdad. He was a father when mine was not able to be. I feel bad your step daughter you don’t love her enough to allow your codl heart accept her as part of your family. Yes you are just Caitlin, You don’t deserve to be called stepmom.

      • Caitlin its most likely because your trying not to confuse the kids….. they you cant replace a step dad…..sorry but that is all

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  214. As I read the comments I am so glad to know that I’m not the only one who is on friendly terms with the person who is supposed to be my sworn enemy. My family thinks it’s weird for me to speak to her but she loves my children and she loves the man that I thought I couldn’t live without and I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. It took me a few years to get to that point but I’m glad it happened because I want my kids to be able to go to someone they trust when they can’t talk to me.

  215. She is part of my family but I am not her mom, she got her mom.
    And her moms partner feels the same about it.

    I had a stepmom when I was a child she tried replacing my mom, maybe that’s y I feel this way.

  216. I can’t imagine life without my stepdad either but that’s because my dad chose his new family over me when stepmom in question gave him the ultimatum.

  217. I am a mother that also has kids with a step-mother and I can honestly say that she has always been a wonderful influence on my kids and they love her very very much. Even though we have always gotten along with each other, in the beginning I too was a little jealous. I was always worried she would try to mother my kids and that they would love her more than me. She didn’t do this though. She has been nothing but good to both of my kids and now to our grand kids and I’m positive they love and respect her as much as they do me. If anything had ever have happened to me to keep me from raising my kids myself, I would have been very lucky knowing that Anna would have been there to step in and I know she would have done a wonderful job. She has a big heart and it’s full of love, especially for our kids. Thank you Anna for all you did and have done for our kids and in case I’ve never told you, thank you for being such a wonderful influence in their lives. From the very beginning you have been a class act and my kids are lucky to have you as their stepmom as I too was lucky that my kids had you! You have my love and respect always!

  218. Thank you for writing this!! I can definetly appreciate every word of this. The day my ex husband and I separated we agreed that our children will come first no matter what. We have been the best of friends since the day we separated. We have been divorced 16 years and we did an amazing job raising our kids because we never allowed the drama or disagreements come between us. We have had new relationships, we have always talked about the kids and in the end I have become really good friends with my ex’s current girlfriend because overall she is respectable to our kids and she treats them if they were her own. Even down the the child support there is none. We split everything down the middle because those kids again come first. I am so happy to hear that you get along with The stepmom, because she works hard at it too… It’s called maturity… LOVE IT!!!!!

  219. Beautiful. I am a stepmother with no children of my own and this letter resonated with me. The mother of my stepchildren is not evil and we work hard at communicating with each other to make the kids have their needs met. I encourage co-parenting! I also have written a similar letter to my stepchildren. God bless you for posting this encouraging message.

  220. That’s awesome for you girls
    Didn’t quite work out the same for me
    My kids so called “step mom” tried to be their only mom…. Soooo now
    I hate my ex’s wife
    And so do my kids
    End of my fairy tale

  221. i come from divorced parents and my dad did get remarried once and we ended up having an “evil step mother” and it was so hard living everyday with noone accepting her part of our family. Unfortunately, my situation was different cause she wasnt the best for my dad or for my 3 sisters & I but i did truly love her at one point but noone could accept the fact of change and someone new was coming into our life. The fact this mother fully accepts her daughters new step mom is so inspiring to me and hope i have the strenght like you to change a negative situation to a positive one if that day ever comes.

  222. Had me in tears!! Im a stepmom of two boys and it took their mom 12 years to see how much i love her kids.. i love our kids alll the same and never put them aside. I did and do everything for our kids.

  223. I’m moved to tears. This is amazing! My husband and my daughters father are similar. Where her father has been in and out of the picture, he has thanked my husband for caring for her when he couldn’t. When he hasn’t had a place of his own to take her to for time together, he would stay at our house. Just a month or so ago he was homeless (circumstances beyond his control) my husband let him stay at our house for a week……………thank god some of us still have a heart and sense of (extended) family.

  224. Perfection. This is all I can seem to say about this article.
    I am a step mom. My step daughter is the girl that made me a “momma.” And it’s because of the openness that her mother and I share that allow us to have as great of a co-parenting relationship that we do. The words you wrote in the article about your daughter not choosing to have divorced parents could not have been a more true statement and because of that I hope that anyone in a split family situation could realize this and put all differences aside to make the “unnormal” situation as best as possible.
    Nothing is wrong with having more than one mom or dad.

  225. The mother of my stepson sent me this letter and the only thing that crossed my mind were many memories. Each word, each store, carries events that happened in our own relationship as mother and stepmother. We are so identified because it occurred precisely what you describe there is. I am younger than she, without children, to see me i thought it was an impostor, but little by little that changed when he saw the treatment. I gratefull to God for a child as bright and beautiful that filled my days of happiness. As the Charter says and I quote “Thank you for being mature enough and respectful enough to take over the role of the mother along with me.” As her stepmother, Ibam grateful to the mother for having shared your excellent role of mother. Immensely grateful to her for having accepted as such. This is one of many examples to follow.

  226. I have mostly positive feelings about this post. My parents divorced and fortunately they get along and when my dad was still married to my step – mom, it became friendly enough that all 4 of my parents and I would spend Christmas morning together. There were occasions where we were all together and everyone got along. My husband’s son from his previous marriage isn’t his biological son, but he raised him for 10 years. For 2 years I was the evil beast for even being in my husband’s life. Now his son and I get along. I have opened up to his mom via a Facebook message, thanking her for letting me get to know her son. She had the sole authority there and could easily have refused me. Though she hasn’t said anything to me directly, she has said positive things to me through her son and my husband. I however do not believe I’m a step-mom. I am his friend. If there’s anything involving parenting advice I go to my husband and if he feels he needs to, he contacts his ex-wife. I don’t feel like I need to be friends with his ex-wife, but I do want us to eventually be cordial with one another and get along during occasions. It would be nice for all of us to be together for like a dinner or picnic or something. If I end up building a friendship with my husband’s ex-wife, that is great, but not necessarily my objective. My husband’s son knows that he is loved by his parents and that I care about him deeply and would never try to infringe on his relationship with his dad. My husband and I have a daughter (1) and she loves his son (13) and he loves her too. Despite them not being blood related we plan on raising our daughter to see him as an older brother. It’s great that this mother was able to become that close to the step-mom, but I think it’s important to always put the children first. Too often children are thrown into the middle of feuds between parents and/our their partners and the children suffer, and take that bad knowledge adopting it to their own personal relationships later in life, usually unknowingly. You don’t all have to be friends, but you should be respectful of all parties involved.

  227. I am a step mother, and let me tell you it is hard. Its an everyday struggle. I love my step son and have accepted him since the day I met him. His mother does not like me for her own reasons. I have made numerous attempts to talk to her and tell her, I’m not there to replace her, I’m there to help guide and support my husband and step son. That still isn’t good enough for her. I will keep praying that just one day my step sons mother sees the overall picture, and is grateful to have someone like me, who loves and cares for her son rather than be mean to him or not accept him. This letter made me feel a sigh of relief that just maybe there is hope. Thank you for this letter and I hope things continue to work out for you.

  228. This is a beautiful and gracious gesture and you are all fortunate to have each other sadly most let their ego lead … Thanks for the better example

  229. This was awesome! I welcomed my kids step mother. Unfortunately my hubby’s first wife was totally opposite. She would use curse words as a nickname for me to the kids and would call, cuss and hang up. I truly believe this is why the kids to this day do not treat me with respect and they are grown now. I take my hat off to you and the example you are setting.

  230. I love your story, My ex and husband decided they love our son more than they hated each other. We were hit hard by Hurricane Sandy it was one of the worst days of our lives. Who came to help was my EX! Side by side the 3 of them worked together for 6 month’s to get our house back together. My ex even slept on our couch. All thought that was strange, but our son thought it was great! My “ex” gave our son his blessing and approval for him to love his stepdad. He truly got to know the two most important men in his life as the good people they are. It was a healing time for us all. Unfortunately right after the work was done my ex passed away. My son was only 15, he misses his dad every day and ironically so does my husband. The two men made this hard time a little more bare able , there is no should of or could of regrets. They were able to get passed the resentment and anger to come together for our son and eventually become good friends. Today happens to be my ex’s birthday a very hard day for us all, but we have the love, memories and each other to get through it. I know all situations are different, but if possible think of your children, they didn’t ask for this. We really needed this story on this day. Thank you

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  232. I want to say this letter brought tears to my eyes. I have lived on both sides. My parents were divorced when I was little, I went to live with my mom and her new husband, I remember my mom and my step mom having very civil conversations when no one else was around and then my mom’s 2nd husband decided he did not want kids so my dad and his wife took me into their house. My stepmom had 4 kids of her own and 1 between her and my dad, so I was #6….I was an only child to #6!! I remember my dad speaking ill of my mom and I remember my mom speaking ill of him and “his wife”. I do not however remember my stepmom speaking ill of anyone. She said I could call her mom if I wanted and I remember thinking I can only have one mom. Things were tough for me as my parents were very stubborn all those years ago. When I was married they were unable to be in the same venue. Funny after your grown these things still affect you. My kids know they cannot invite Grandpa and Grandma to the same events. It is sad for the next generation to have to choose from a situation that should have been resolved so long ago.

    On the other foot now- I am a stepmom to a 10 year old boy. He was 3 when his dad and I got together. He knows me and accepts me, he calls me his stepmom– and that is ok. From the beginning I was nervous about his mother, that was my husbands 1st wife- his 1st love…..is this a competition? What if they decide after all this time that they were meant to be together? These are my insecurities….not theirs, from the very beginning the “real mom” has been fantastic to me. She makes she txts or calls me if something happens, She txts/calls when he’s sick. She will meet me if I need to see “our son” or give him something. She truly goes above and beyond and has never made me feel like I was in her way.

  233. Dear Birth Mother
    The reason we got along for so many years was because I let you walk all over us. I aloud you to always have your way. I didn’t want to make waves all I wanted to do was love your child. And I did and still do. And I am sorry you don’t like to share your time but know that I am not trying to take your place. I love your child with all my heart and like you I just want the best for your child. So I am sorry that you feel the need to keep your child from me and their father because of your own insecurities. I’m sorry that you doubt your child loves you when they are with us. We don’t talk bad about you to your child. We encourage them to have a good relationship with you. We dismiss your negativity about us. We don’t get into the drama. We provide a safe place were your child can talk and express themselves without feeling guilt or shame. In the end I hope you come to realize that all we ever wanted was time with your child because we love this child! Still have hope, Stepmom

    • You have hit the nail right on the head – it’s about insecurity. Continue to do your best by the children irrespective of what is going on in their other home. Continue to foster a positive relationship between your stepchildren and their natural mother.
      Children grow up, and as they do, they start to see the truth.
      It took me a while to realise that jealousy is the motivation behind the nastiness of my partner’s ex wife.
      Turn your anger into pity. She is obviously very insecure.

  234. How beautiful. I to am a mom of a blended family. Instead of using the word “stepmom” we say “Bonus” mom or dad. Because we feel that it’s a blessing or a “bonus” to have more parents that love you unconditionally. Not to mention the word stepmom tends to come with so many negitive feelings and connotations.

    • I am so streaming the bonus parents thing. I love it. We have a great blended family and I do dislike the term step because of the negative stigma that comes with it.
      Thanks

    • What a beautiful letter! I wish the mother of my step kids could be as selfless as this mom. Life is hard and anyone who loves and helps children in a positive way should be appreciated! All past adult BS should be left in past. Kids should be put first and shared for their best interest!

  235. I wish I could feel the same about my ex husbands soon to be new wife. She destroyed our family. How can I possibly ever forgive her? I have a burning rage inside me which Ive never had before she ruined our lives. I worked hard to be a good mom and now everyone is upset at my anger. She just swoops in and thinks we can all get along?

    • I don’t have any relationship with my ex not his wife. I can tell you that what you’re feeling will deminsh with time. For your sake not theirs. What ever happened they have to live with. You work on you forgive them so you can move on.
      My ex and his wife are reaping what they sowed, Unfortunately for them.
      Not all situations or people can achieve what these people have and with good reason.
      I wish you the best!!! Good luck

    • I know how you feel. When me n my x separated, he was dating girls right away. He even got serious with one and I learned to accept it and whatever makes him happy and as long as she’s good to my daughter. Well I don’t know what happened. I guess they broke up. A month later I found out he’s marrying some older lady after knowing her for 2 weeks. She made my x choose her over his own daughter and parents. Never have I met someone so evil. So now he is not apart of my daughters life and his new wife says if I ever choose to speak to him, I go through her. Since she blocked me through his phone and fb. I thank God everyday my daughter knows what’s going on even though she’s only 6. I’m sure she doesn’t know it all but she knows me and my fiancé (4 years strong and happy) loves her so much. Even my x mother in law n x father in law are still in the picture. I just only pray and hope when she gets older, she knows all I wanted was for her to be happy and grow up in a healthy loving environment. Mommy loves you Kayla. I hope you never forget that.

    • Hello Lynn, my advise to you is although you feel that she has ruined your family, learn to forgive. First you forgive yourself, your ex then everything will fall into place. Ask your self what would Jesus do or say in this situation. God wants us to love one another unconditionally believe me I have been on both sides. I was always miserable and law s us in a bad mood, full of rage and wanted everyone to feel my pain. I humbled myself to God and it all changed, I’m at peace now. God Bless you my sister, Jesus loves you and I love you.

    • I can imagine that this burning rage you refer to hurts you more than it hurts anyone else. For your own sake, you must find peace with the situation.

    • Let go of the rage and anger as it will only consume you and taint your heart. It is not easy, but if you want to continue a happy life you need to let go of the anger and rage. They are happy living their lives while you are stuck in rage mode. Don’t give them that victory so easy. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. And I’m sure you have a beautiful smile.

    • Lynn ..i dont think she destroyed your family ..it was your husband…she didnt have to be faithful and loyal to you….but husband…….
      he was the one that brought her in the family….. …dont pass your rage to the children, its not fair to them…you will always be their mother

    • This is exactly how I feel! We live in a small town and I have to see my ex at many events involving our kids. She destroyed our family too and my ex promotes her taking care of our kids when I am willing and able. They think I should be ok with it and sit with them publicly at events for our kids. It’s not going to happen now…if ever….yet they try to make me out to be the bad guy to our kids for choosing to sit elsewhere. I am really trying to work on forgiveness….to be a good role model for our kids….but it’s hard.

    • Please calm!
      The marriages that came from affairs have very slim rate of success (10%?)
      Your ex husband is running fast to create a second….broken home.
      Why that you make you angry?

  236. I loved your story. My parents separated and divorced when I was 8 and my sister was 7. My dad remarried a year or so later, and our step mom accepted us with open arms. She took us shopping and cared for us as her own, even through our teen years. It took another 15 years, until my own children were born, for my parents and step parents to be in the same room together. My parents had hurt feelings toward one another. But, as my mom said, it was easier to celebrate birthdays and events as one family. My mom will invite my dad and step mom or my step mom will invite my mom and step dad. My daughters had both my mom and dad and their spouses as grandparents, my inlaws, and all of mine and my husbands grandparents in the same room for celebrations. We now celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving together, too, My dad and step mom were at my maternal grandmother’s surprise birthday party, and she believed my step mother was a saint for all that she did for my dad’s family. At my half sister’s wedding and baby shower, my mom and my maternal grandmother were there. It makes introductions interesting. But I am happy it worked out for my children and for me.

  237. Hola!!! My name is Ainara and I´m writing from Spain. Yes, your post has been notice too here.
    I´m writing because I want to say both you only a word: CONGRATULATIONS. Your daughter and her father are very lucky to have you in their lifes.
    I diceded to write in your blog because my father´s broke when I was only three years but they always had a good relationship for me. Some people had bad words because they decided live separeted but they thought that for me was better see my parents happy when the three were together than I see them living at the same house but allways angry. They try to teach me that when you have children they are the most important thing, first than your own happiness.
    Now I´m 22 years old and I´m very proud of they, specialy because in this time I have seen a lot of parents that broke their relationships use children to hurt the other parent, and it is very cruel.

    For all this thing I have to congratulate you and your daughter step-mum to be really mature women, I think you have gave a lesson to parents of the world.

    Kisses from Spain.

  238. So beautifully written and congratulations on a job well done. I only wish you had written this 29 years ago when I married my husband and not only became an instant Mom to a 3 and 7 year old but began a lifetime of dealing with his ex-wife. My message as the step-mother to the ex-wife would be the same as yours….I did not want you in my life but I am not the reason your marriage failed, Yes, you are correct…you gave birth. But due to the custody arrangement you agreed to, half of every week your very young children needed a mother to fix their meals, wash their clothes and wipe their tears and their little bottoms and that responsibility fell to me. And you certainly seemed to enjoy half of every week as a single woman with no child rearing responsibilities. I never experienced the freedom and joy of being a newlywed, I never experienced sharing the joy of a first-born with my husband as our child was his third, I dealt with tantrums and bad grades and not making the team and all the other pains of growing up just as much as you did but never minded these sacrifices as I loved and cared for your children as if they were my own, and what irked you the most was that the feeling was mutual. They suffered tremendously as a result of you not giving them the freedom to love freely. I became a Mom of my own baby and what I know is that my daughter will only benefit from many people in her life who love her but I have no insecurities as to how much she loves me over others. A Mom can rarely be replaced and I know that. That “baby” of mine is now 26 years old and so much more emotionally healthy than her sister because she did not suffer through a divorce where her mother harbored bad feelings for decades. So sad!!

    I hope your thoughts make many women on both sides give a great deal of thought to the role each plays in a child’s life. There really is no enemy here….two women who at one point in their life loved the same man and now they love the same child….who can be faulted for that?

    • you are so right. I am on both sides of the coin. I love my children’s Stepmother & we are great friends; however I am a Stepmother also & I am perceived as an evil witch (??) all because I love another woman’s child & take care of her as if she were my own. It really stinks being on that side of the coin when you know how much better things can be if you were not labeled in such a negative light. God bless.

    • I love your post! I am the “evil” step-mom and bio mom is only rude and spiteful to me. I wish we could get along, and I have tried. But as you said- I did not want an instant family, but I am so grateful for my step-daughter! I only wish that we will one day be able to have a functional co-parenting relationship.

  239. I have only ever had an adversarial relationship with my ex’s wife (in recent years it has calmed down because the kids are adults), and reading this brought tears to my eyes. Stepmom: thank you for your kindness to this little girl and not putting your needs above hers. You are truly special. Mom, thank you for recognizing that you were so fortunate and for wanting your girl to be happy above your own motives.

    This was heartwarming; I so wish I had had this and my kids did not have the hurts they have from their past; their stepmom was not so accepting as this situation shows it can be done.

    You are really special people. Hugs and love to you all. I am so grateful for this; it gives me a renewed sense of hope in mankind.

  240. I want to say as a man in a parenting relationship. That this gives me hope that not everyone is bitter after a breakup. I personally deal with violent physical and verbal barrages everytime I have to see my daughter. I have never met someone who takes personal pleasure in causing someone grief. and reading this I now understand the level of maturity and understanding that you must have in order to put a child first no matter what. I know it seems like im rambling but I went from seeing my daughter four days a week to four times a month, and it hurts me to know that a judge saw fit that i only see her twice a month. This story is an inspiration because I never thought that two strangers could love a child but love the other and ultimately it isnt about the father its about doing right by a child to make them the best person possible.

  241. You are a beautiful and amazing woman. As blessed as you feel with your daughter’s step mother, they are blessed to have such a beautiful and strong woman such as yourself in their life! Your story is inspiring and many families could benefit from reading this.

  242. Your open letter/blog to your daughter’s stepmom and your friend impressed me so much. What incredible role models both of you are!

  243. I love this story. I, too, am extremely grateful for my friend, the “Stepmother”. Our start was a bumpy one, but I soon came to realize that I now have a mothering partner (the ONLY other person on this Earth) who truly understands what it is like to be a Mother to my children. There is no other person in this world that I can call & cry to and they get it-she really gets it. We are a great example of what women should do to each other….support, lift up, lend an ear, laugh, and praise. I mean how cool is that? I am so grateful that OUR children see what unconditional love is really all about, putting aside differences for the greater common goal. Along the way I found a friend. Having a separated family is difficult on children as it is, we parents (whether biological or not) have a duty to put aside the pettiness & be adults. I am so grateful that someone else can love my daughter just as much as I do and that I gave her the space she needed to bond.

  244. I grew up with a step-down who had 7 children of her own and her and my dad had 1. She never treated me like one of her own and neither did my own mother. The only real love I received was from my grandmother and father. I applaud you for caring enough to put your daughter first and I see it everyday with my son and his wife. He has a son before he married her then they had a son together and she would NEVER dream of treating Chris any different than her own flesh and blood Jax. She has never introduced Christian as her step son and has always said “my son” and she is only 22, she has been his mother since she was 19 and cares for him better than his birth mother.

  245. This is a wonderful story of two women who are each secure in themselves and want what is best for the child involved.
    Before meeting the ‘real’ mother of my stepchildren, I naively thought that the above story was typical, and truly believed that a positive relationship would evolve.
    Unfortunately, the fact that I was dating the husband she cheated on was enough to make me a bad person, unfit to spend time with her children.
    For the sake of the children, I have tried many times to befriend this woman, only to be met with hostility and baseless insults.
    It is now more than three years that I have had two beautiful step children. It breaks my heart that their mother still cannot bare to be within five metres of the person who spends more time with them than either of their natural parents. My dreams of constructively raising the children together are all but shattered.

  246. I am a child of multiple divorces and I can tell you how amazing your relationship with the new wife will be for your daughter. It will affect her in ways you can see now, but also in ways that you may not see for years to come. It’s amazing, and unfortunately too rare, that adults can see the true priority in divorce (the child) and have the grace and confidence to do what is best for them. Good for you, and good for her. Your ex-husband obviously has great taste in women. 😉

  247. I was a very naïve, sheltered woman of 23 who happened to fall in love with a divorced dad 35 years ago. I had no idea what I was “signing up” for when I became a stepmom to 2 young boys. Unfortunately, our marriage set their mom off onto a 35 year long path of revenge and abuse to the scale that would warrant its own “Oprah” show. I will spare you the sad details. First off, by God’s grace I understood that these children were innocents that had no choice in the divorce and marriage decisions that changed their lives forever. Secondly, all of the hatred and venomous lies their mother told them could not change my love for them and the duty I felt to give them the best life I possibly could. I loved them as my own, as a true blessing, just as I loved my next son. To do so any differently is what is called sin. Children are God’s beloved and to think we can treat them any differently than His most precious and not have consequences in this life and the next is living in a ”fool’s paradise”. For God gave my husband and I the strength and wisdom to persevere through those dark days of our lives and by His providence, we are now blessed with the love of these sons, their wives and five adorable grandchildren. Bravo ladies for knowing the truth and living it as examples to shine in this fallen, sinful world. You, your children and grandchildren will be truly blessed for it.

  248. I wish my ex-daughters-in-law was like the step-mom in this article. She promotes jealousy and hatred. My grandkids are so torn apart because they really like their step-mom but are guarded because of their Mom. I never thought she would end up hurting her children because of her anger at their Dad. I admire the couples that divorce but co-parent and do what is best for the kids for they are the true victims,the kids I mean. The step-mom is truly a warm and loving person and loves the kids but the ex is awful.

  249. This letter was sent to me by my stepDaughters mother on FB and it made me cry I honestly have read it over and over because of how much it touched my heart and every single time I read it I wanna tear again…This has been very touching loved it and thankful with my stepdaughters mom to find in her heart to share this with me….. ❤ Sandra.g

  250. On a different but similar note, I am a stepdad to a wonderful young teenage son, whom I have known since he was almost 3. When I married his mother when he was 5, I didn’t really have similar feelings that you had about the other parent. In fact, I knew that whatever my role is in his life, that his biological dad was his dad, too, and that dad needs time with his son just as much as I want to.

    The kicker? We’re not just a blended family, we are an interracial family, which proves to be as meaningful as it is difficult from time to time.

    I never once in my life wanted to say “stepson,” because to me that may lessen the meaning of my love, duty and responsibility of raising him as a parent – “step” or not. I consider him my son, even if he is not my biological one, because I know that he has accepted me as his father, and loves me even through the difficult teenage times. We are growing together and without love for each other, we are nothing but a clanging cymbal.

    I’m glad that God’s grace has manifested to you and helped you focus on raising your daughter in spite of the situation. I pray that He will continue to be with you in your situation, giving both of your families double the portion of love, grace, peace and patience.

    Thank you for sharing your own thoughts on this. Definitely appreciated.

    • THIS: “I never once in my life wanted to say “stepson,” because to me that may lessen the meaning of my love, duty and responsibility of raising him as a parent – “step” or not.” Oh, how I LOVE it! You, David, are a wonderful man!

  251. Just saw the story over here in Australia. Your story resonates with me as I am a step mother and mother myself. You are a beautiful woman with a heart of gold. Your daughter will be so grateful. I pray to have this relationship with my husbands ex one day.

  252. It’s sad how the world see thing that are not meant to be ( like divorce ) as food things. God wouldn’t want anyone to divorce the person they made a life lasting commitment it’s just sad. Though it is kind of sweet.
    GOD Bless

    • What a way to turn a positive story into a negative, did these women say divorce was good? No. But for the well being of the people in a family it sometimes is necessity. And this story is sharing how it is better to turn something difficult and negative into something positive. Perhaps you should read some newer parts of the bible, about acceptance and love for each other.

    • What is sad is the ignorance that comes from the mouths of people who are blinded by their religion. Faith is about love, kindness, acceptance, and forgiveness. We are a flawed species and we all make mistakes. It is not our jobs to stand by and judge others for their mistakes. Divorce is horrible and I would never wish it upon anyone, especially children, but a marriage can be as equally horrible, and it’s our job as parents to do what is best for our families! My ex-husband and I loved each other very much when we were married, but as the marriage continued we found that we couldn’t get along and it became a very unhealthy environment for our daughter! We tried counseling, marriage retreats, and seeking advice from our pastor, but in the end we decided what was best was to separate. As hard as it was then, I don’t regret it! We are much better parents and people in general now that we aren’t together. We get along great and are supportive of one another in everything. He also accepts my boyfriend as part of our family as a co-parent to our daughter! I couldn’t have asked for a better result from a very painful decision that we had to make! I can’t imagine our lives any other way!! I learned so much from my first marriage and it I have grow so much because of it! Without those experiences I wouldn’t have my daughter or I wouldn’t be who I am today! I feel that everything happens for a reason, God has a plan for me, and my divorce was part of that plan!

  253. This is so beautifully and thoughtfully written! May others see this an example that it can be done. Brava ladies. Thank you for sharing something so personal and touching with the world. May the Lord continue to bless you all.

  254. Wow! Congratulations!
    You’re a very strong woman!
    I’m the stepmother, and my life would be much easier if the mother thought the way you do.

  255. Sadly, this doesn’t not work if the ex-husband is a narcissist. Precious woman, you’re a dupe and incredibly naive. God Bless you; you will need it. I do not love you and neither does he.

  256. I am so touch by this. I too am a step mom. And although it took a little while our families have become one. My husband came into my life with two children and I have five. Our blended family struggled at first as well as our marriage. And Nancy and I had a moment that changed everything and since then I cannot express the pride and respect that I have for her. She opened her heart and her life for me and our families became as one. It was the best thing that could have happened for all the kids and I believe it made their worlds a much better place. We share all aspects of our lives together as time allows, birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving and anniversaries too. She has become my best friend and I cannot express enough how much I cherish her. We live in a small town and many people have said how odd our friendship is, we actually believe we are normal everyone else is strange. Thank you for sharing your story!

  257. Truly a Beautiful letter….just because one relationship failed it doesn’t mean …we fail as human beings, putting your pride aside and thinking how peace helps heal and mend our children’s hearts…even our own ❤

  258. Oh my, I just cried a little bit. I’m a stepmom of a 5 yo amazing boy, and I know I should try harder to have that. Because now I want that so bad!!! :’)

  259. Love this story.. i am not a Stepmom and i never had a Stepmom so i do not know firsthand what it is like but i wish more moms/stepmoms can be like the women in this story.

  260. Don’t dress this up to make it look like God’s handiwork. I’m glad the woman that was left is at peace but that doesn’t make it right. Her original plan for her marriage is also God’s plan. God never changes. People do.

  261. This letter’s really difficult for me to read because it is not at all how my stepmother treats me. My mother would never write that for her because she destroyed our family. She priorizes her relationship with my father over mine with him and now she has a daughter of her own and only cares about her child (and of course I don’t get along with the child). Really, really sad. We could’ve been a family.

  262. How wonderful! I am a step-mom, but my step-son sees me as his extra mom! I call him my son when he’s with us. And his mother and I have an amazing relationship!! We understand how rare it is to get along so well. We probably text each other everyday, and usually it is about whatever is happening at the time. Not just our son. I love that he feels so blessed to have 2 sets of parents that love him. It is not easy to fill in as a step-parent. You don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or overstep any invisible boundaries, but then still have to have the respect from the kid. Not only does it take a special bond with the adults, it also takes a special kid with an amazing open heart to accept the situation.
    I think it is amazing how many others out there have the type of relationship like this and I hope they see it as a blessing like we do!

  263. I find this absolutely beautiful! I am a divorced woman with two kids and now a wonderful fiance…however I do not think I will ever receive that kind of compassion and understanding from “him”. This is awe inspiring and it is a blessing. Good luck to all the single mom’s and dad’s out there in finding this type of love.

  264. So beautiful! I have tears brimming in my eyes (Trying hard to blink them away because I’m at work on my lunch break while reading this)… My husband read this earlier – and he shared it with me – but I had to come here to read myself, at my own pace. For I am a step-mother, and became a ‘mommy’ for the first time to my bonus son. His mother is involved in our lives, but only because we are forced to – I sure wish we had the same relationship as you two are so blessed to have and created together from maturity and love. I feel I am the mature one, I’m sure she (the birth mother) feels she is the mature one – but either way, our relationship is not that which is yours….. Thank you for being an inspiration as so many others have now posted about with your letter going viral. WHAT AN EXAMPLE….it makes me jealous…..but it gives hope to others, something to look up to and aspire to be. Merry Christmas – 🙂

    • This post just makes me sick. A child has two parents mum and dad, step mums/dads are the choice of the parent not the child and is enforced upon them without choice. Yes you may be a step mum but you will NEVER replace the place of a mum. How dare you assume parenting responsibility whilst the child’s mum is still her mum. The situation is much different if a parent dies but whilst a parent is alive and active in the childs life, you have NO right to even call yourself a step mum… you are her fathers wife/partner and should always remember that…. her mother is the woman who YOU should be respecting after all your probably the reason why the family ended.

      • And you definitely make ME sick. I do not know what your situation is but I am guessing you are either a divorced mom or had a stepmom when you were younger. I am a step mother and never tried to take the place of my stepson’s mother. From the very beginning I tried to support her and did whatever I could to make my stepson feel welcome at our new home and my family who treated him as an equal to my own children. Because his mom is bitter and immature she has caused a giant rift in his relationship to his dad and his siblings. She has made it very clear to him that he is an only child (even though he has two half-siblings) and that makes him feel like he is not part of our family. Any stepparent that does not try their hardest to make a stepchild feel welcome and part of their family is disgusting. Not every stepparent is terrible, some of us just do not even get a chance.

      • I don’t understand how you could say the things you say! You don’t know the situation! I know with my stepdaughter, I am the one who takes her to her dr appointments when she’s sick or needs a physical, I am the one who takes her to the dentist and eye dr when needed, I am the one who buys her clothes and helps her with her homework every night. I would never ask her to not respect her mom or not consider her that, but I am her STEPMOM, NOT her dad’s significant other/partner. You are pretty ignorant to assume that a step parent cannot be there for the child as much or more than the parent. Her mom will forever be her biological mom, but I know that I AM a parent to her and willing to do whatever is necessary for her and our other kids!

      • You are a very miserable person. Love doesn’t need papers, titles or whatever. Love has no boundaries. This child through no actions of her own, has been given 4 people that love her. Yes those people made mistakes and I am sure suffered for that. But God who is awesome took those mistakes and forgave them and turned their hurt and regrets into joy and peace!

      • I totally agree with you Anne, it is very different when a parent dies but, speaking from personal experience, I found it impossible to accept the partner of my father who was trying to replace my mother. The divorce was due to my father’s new ‘partner’ – a hard hearted woman who didn’t care for anyone else, she merely added him to her list of three previous husbands. To dare call herself step-mother was the ultimate insult to all of us.

      • I am a child of a divorced family. I think all situations are different and sometimes the divorce doesn’t come due to a third person rather than different circumstances. Some are major reasons to leave such as physical and verbal abuse. However, I have seen how God can take someone that held on to their marriage for many, many years and did all she could to fix her marriage and ended up broken and see Godvbring a good man into her life. This man has raised my younger brother when he didn’t have to. It was not his responsability. And even though our father was always in our lives this man became our dad. He is an amazing man unlike anyone I’ve ever seen. Although my brothers and I am married he still looks out for us and for his grandchildren. I’ve seen him provide for us even after we were married. Sometimes not even a real parent does that. But this man has an amazing heart. I believe all situations are different but one should always try to be grateful when as you said it was the parents choice to get divorced for whatever reason and now this person is choosing to be apart of your childs life and treat them with the same love and respect they give to their own children. That’s something rare to find now a days and if you’ve found it than you should acknowledge it.

      • um..im a step dad and i pretty much AM the DAD i clean his messes sing to him feed him watch him play with him listen to him take him to the doctor etc the bio dad is alive but only wants to see him when its convenient to him in other words once in a blue moon he even went 6 months straight with out even asking about him he only pays his child support when ever hes almost at 900 so he pays 800 to stay out of jail his bio grandparents see him alot and they are major roles in his life and thats great did i mean to be his dad? no i told my gf when we got together that i would be a friend to him and respect him but not his dad then eventually i ate those words the first time that baby boy looked up at me and called me daddy my heart melt he is my son and you disagree with this letter because your incapable of understanding

      • If you actually READ the article, then you would have understood that it was the child’s MOTHER that wrote it for the step mom. I wish that I could have had the same experience with my husbands ex wife, but we were the parents and she was the drifter. I wonder if my kids would have had a better life if their mother was here for them. I always say I thank her for blessing me with 3 children I didn’t give birth to!

      • I just wanna say this to you. Less than 5 years ago I honestly felt the same way you did. I hated my ex husband and his new wife. However 5 years and SEVERAL children later, I can honestly say that his wife has become one of my best friends. When you learn to put everything you think and feel aside for the sake of the child you would be surprised how alike you are. My ex husbands wife would probably never had been my friend if it weren’t for my ex husband but I’m honestly glad to call her more of a co-parent than I do my ex husband. She is AMAZINGLY respectful of my wishes for my son and while we occasionally do still differ on some thoughts we have learned how to communicate better and learned that while parts of what we want differ, ultimately the end goal is the same for both of us. And we no longer just parent 1 child as a co-parent team anymore. There are now 7 childen between the 2 houses and we discuss each one of them and we co-parent all 7 kids as if we are 1 LARGE family.

        So I ask you to lay whatever anger you seem to be holding towards whomever it is down and remember that what is best for a child is not arguing and fighting for ones rightful “title” but for them to understand that more than one person can have a role in their lives that is similar to another. Yes she is his STEP-mom, but he still calls her mama __________(fill in the name here as I will leave her name out of this post). And he understands that while I gave birth to him that she is just as much his mom as I am. She deserves just as much respect as I do.