Today came and went.
I woke up with the excitement that we were going to get to listen to our little boys heartbeat at our doctors appointment early this morning. The morning focus was getting all the girls ready for school and out the door, then we needed to get ourselves ready.
On the drive to the doctor’s office I debated treating myself to a coffee or not and kicked myself for not remembering to bring $3 to get out of the parking garage, something I do every time we go.
As I checked in at the front desk I had to stop and think about the date. It took me only a few seconds to figure it out and I quickly jotted it down on the check in slip.
There it was.
That’s when I realized that it is the two-year anniversary of my dads suicide and my legs all of a sudden felt like jello.
I took a deep breath, sat down and reminded myself that I refuse to recount days in my life that I thought would destroy me in the moment. I reminded myself that I refuse to relive the past and that my goal is to live in the now and focus on the future.
I met my brother and sister for lunch and secretly wondered if my big brother knew what today was. I know that he would never bring it up to me if he did, he guards my heart with everything that he has. We talked about him taking our youngest brother hunting this weekend and I wondered if my little brother realized what the day was or if the two of them would talk about it at all. I’m more obsessed with it than they are (because they’re men 😉 ) but I wondered if it was in the back of their minds. I refused to be the buzz kill and bring it up.
It’s been 730 days and “they” say that time heals all wounds.
I don’t believe that my heart will ever fully heal from that day but I do believe that God wants more for me than to dwell on it or to live my life being sad about it.
God gave me that day to show me what forgiveness looks like, true forgiveness, not the forgiveness that’s just on the surface or the kind where you say you forgive but harbor a hardened heart. He gave me that day to help me learn that life goes on, even when we feel like there’s now way we can deal with what is in front of us. He gave me that day to remind me to never hang on to the hurts in our lives but to be thankful for the moments that made us smile.
Last year on this day I panicked. I stressed for weeks leading up to it. I replayed the moment that he did it, where he did it, how he did it. I went over the phone call (over and over and over) and pictured myself crumbled on the floor in complete disbelief.
I refuse all of that this year.
I have way to much to be thankful for and way to many memories to cherish than the ones that happen in that moment.
I will no longer “celebrate” (rehash, relive, replay, recount, obsess over) the anniversary of the day my dad took his own life.
I will look to my heavenly Father and give thanks for all the memories He has given me, for the new heart He has planted in my chest. I will honor my heavenly Father by forgiving the unforgivable, loving the unlovable, caring for the least of these and turning my trials into my testimony. I will not hold a grudge. I will not hate anyone for anything. I will be kind even to those who aim to hurt me. I will love without boundaries.
Time may not heal all wounds but God does.
Not only does he heal us but He restores us and makes us new.
We can’t dwell on the past and we can’t change it. We must accept it, deal with it and move on. There is no point in going back over it again and again.
As I listened to my baby boys heartbeat I was comforted in the fact that God will empty us to make room for the things He wants for us. It’s been two years since I lost my father but today, right now, right here, in this moment I get to feel new life move inside of me ready to bless my family with new beginnings and the promise that life goes on.
I don’t know why my dad took his life but I know that it is not my cross to carry and I won’t let those around me try to carry it for me. I’ve let the need to know go and I have put my trust in the Lord. My comfort comes from above.
“5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.
6 In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Today is the day to let go and let God.