I looked at myself one last time in the mirror. Ughh! Do my ankles look to big?
I asked my husband how I looked. Wrong thing to do.
He said “shorter than usual”
I took off the sandals and put the high heels back on.
My husband complimented my new shirt and told me that he thought I looked beautiful. When I complained that I looked old, he kindly said “Well honey, you’re pushing 40, it’s time to embrace it”.
Oh gee, thanks.
He reminded me that he loves me and that I am beautiful to him no matter what.
But I had a lunch date and it was important that I looked nice. I wasn’t trying to look nice so that I would visually impress my lunch date, I just wanted him to be proud of me. I’ve been seeking his approval since I was 19 years old and he became my boss.
You see, I have trust issues. Major trust issues.
I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older and I’ve gotten better as I’ve grown closer to my heavenly Father.
This stems from my dad, no doubt about it.
I feel very passionate about little girls having their daddy in their lives. I think that it is vital. Stepdaddys are awesome (mines one of the best) but there is something deep inside a little girl who will crave her daddys approval, respect and acknowledgment. .
It is something that I know first hand and the reason why I make my daughters relationships with their daddy’s top priority…no matter what. They will follow my lead and if I present their daddy’s to them in the brightest light then that’s how they will see them. I’ll sacrifice anything for that relationship and pray that they don’t grow up with “daddy issues”.
I had it the issues.
I trusted no one.
I developed a chip on my shoulder.
My resentment grew.
I became controlling
I gave the evil eye to anyone in my life that had a hand in my relationship with my dad.
Then I met this man.
He had faith in me.
He believed in me.
He even let others know that he trusted me.
He saw me in a way that I had never seen myself.
He gave me pride.
Up to this point no man had ever filled me with faith in myself. He held high expectations for me and I aimed to meet them.
It changed me. I had his expectations to live up to and it made me a better person. I wanted a husband like the one that he was to his wife and a father for my children like the father he was to his children. Only by the grace of God I have gotten both.
He helped me set a standard for my future.
For the last 18 years I have tried to make choices in my life that would make him proud of me, even if he never knew I was making the choice to begin with.
He met me when I was a teenager and watched me go through some very rough times. He saw me at my worst.
He never gave up on me.
We happened to pull up to the restaurant at the same time. He was waiting for me when I got out of my car (ok fine, minivan). The first thing he said to me was “Do you ever age, you still look like you’re 25”.
It must be the high heels, my husband was right.
During lunch we were laughing about the fact that my daughter calls me “modest mom” and I said who would have ever thought that this is how I would have turned out.
His response. “I did, I wouldn’t have thought that you would have turned out any other way. This is exactly what I expected”.
I wanted him to see what I had become. I wanted him to be proud of me. It turns out that he had never lost faith in me the way that I had lost it in myself.
Why do we see something totally different from what others see when we look in the mirror?
Why do we let our past haunt us?
Why do doubt ourselves?
I would give anything to have spent the last 18 years seeing myself the way this man saw me.
Why did I let self-doubt enter my world?
We are so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We are children of God. A creation of our Lord and Savior. Handcrafted by the Lord. We are a prize, a jewel, worth more than gold.
Why do we have a hard time accepting that and owning it?
Do you have self-doubt?
Do you look in the mirror and see what others see?
Do you have a love for yourself like the kind of love our Father has for you?
You should. You deserve it.
Don’t waste another day not seeing in yourself what others see.
Take those sandals off.
Throw on the high heels and hold your chin up.
See the 25-year-old when you look in the mirror, not the girl who’s pushing 40.
Heavenly Father thank you for the gift of your son. We know that self-doubt is the work of that stinking devil but we need help fighting him. When we look in the mirror and prepare ourselves for the day gives us Your eyes so that we can see how strong and beautiful we really are. Give us the faith of Abraham, the will of Moses and the strength of David. In Jesus name, amen.
In the 15 years that I worked for this man I can’t believe he never fired me. I gave him plenty of opportunities. I think the only time he really considered it was when my sister and I pulled the legs and arms off of a baby doll and stuck them in the grill of his truck. What! Is that wrong?