Time

I have a confession.

I cry.

Often.

I know they say that time heals all wounds but I don’t believe them, whoever “they” are.

Rinse and Repeat and Repeat and Repeat

I repeat the eulogy that I said at my dads funeral every single day and every single day I cry about it.

Every single day.

I have it memorized down to each word. When I start saying it in my head I try to make myself stop. Sometimes I stop after the first few sentences but I always start it over again, always. No matter how hard I try to stop I always say it to the very end. That’s the hardest part, the end.

I don’t know why I do it to myself.

Yesterday morning while I was taking a shower I started it, “My dad wore Levi jeans….”. By the time I had washed, rinsed and repeated, I had finished the eulogy and was reduce to a sobbing mess.

Not For Me

I never missed him while he was here. I took for granted the good times that I had with him and I never had the desire to see him, ever. Two years before he took his life  his sister died suddenly. Her funeral was the last time I ever saw him.

I didn’t even make eye contact with him that day.

The truth is, I wouldn’t do anything differently if he was here today.

He wasn’t good.
He wasn’t honest.
He wasn’t loyal.
He didn’t know how to be a good father to me or my siblings.

I hold that grudge, not for me but for my little 13 year old sister. She’s only 13.  She’s just a little girl and her daddy took his life. I can’t seem to forgive him for that but I can’t help but to be completely heartbroken for him either

Two Little Girls

My oldest daughter is 12 and has two dads, her daddy and her step-daddy. Both men would lay their lives down for her. Both men adore her and remind her daily how much worth she holds. They help her with her homework, they hang out with her, they tell her every day how much they love her.

How is that fair to my sister?

I don’t want to take a single thing away from my daughter and I want to give everything to my sister at the same time. I want my daughter to know how blessed she is and I want to show my sister  how much worth she holds.  She is more than precious jewels, they both are.

God’s Plan

I used to wonder if my dad thought about me, my sister and our three brothers right before he took his own life. Now I don’t care if he didn’t think about us at all, instead I pray that he truly knew God and that he was thinking about Him.

I know that when my dad met my Father He didn’t say “well done good and faithful servant, well done” but I know that He did tell my dad that He loved him no matter what and that he was finally home and safe.

My heavenly Father’s heart breaks each time I start the eulogy, He almost can’t make it to the end. He wants me to stop and not start over like I always do. He can’t stand to hear me say it. It’s simply not His plan for me.

I know that God has a plan, a plan for me, for you, for everyone. He had a plan for my dad and He has one for my little sister. I also know that it is not in His plan for me to torture myself with guilt, grudges or that eulogy, those are earthly things and not of His kingdom.

Are you repeating the eulogy every day in an effort to torture yourself with the guilt and to hold on to the grudge?

It’s not what our Father wants for you. He loves you with a passion that we can’t put to words. His plan for you far exceeds anything that we could ever write for ourselves. He wants you to let it go and stop repeating it.

He doesn’t want your heart to be broken. He doesn’t want to watch you cry. He doesn’t want to hear the eulogy.

All we can do is pray that He takes it away. All we can do is pray that maybe “they” are right and that time heals all wounds. And then we just need to give it over to God and have faith in His plan.

Let’s Pray

Merciful Father please take it away. I’m only human and I don’t know how to let it go. I am weak but You are strong so take the weight of it off of my shoulders and carry it for me. I can’t do it anymore. Next time you hear me say “My dad wore Levi jean…” fill my head with thoughts of Your glory and fill my heart with your mercy and grace. Remind me that some how, in some way, it’s all part of your plan. In Jesus name, amen.

My little sister is hilarious and highly inappropriate at all the wrong times. She has a smart mouth and quick whit. She changes her hair color more than she changes her clothes. She has her own sense of style and it is completely off the wall. She can make me laugh with a simple glance and she knows what I’m going to say before I even open my mouth. She can out talk the most clever of people. All of that makes me completely in love with her and scared to death at the same time. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror.

4 thoughts on “Time

  1. What a crier for me to come across this post. First, I just want to say thank you for being so open with your pain. 2nd,.. I know that pain. It hurts my heart for you and yours as you share about your young sister and your daughter. It hurts because I know. My story about my dad is different, way too much to get into, but he was not in my everyday life as I grew up. But, for me, he was my hero. My knight in shining armor so to speak. I could ‘call dad’, and he’d be there in whatever way he could from a distance. Then I grew up, and things changed. My eyes were more opened, and I saw things in a different light. Sometimes, it’s not easy to see the truth. Anyway.. about 1&1/2 years ago, my dad also took his own life. I would have never-ever…NEVER imagined him to do this. I’m 55, and it hurt deeply. I cried just like you. I didn’t speak at his service, but I cried in my alone time. I grieved for a year, hurting with the wonder of where his mindset was at that time. Just like you, I wondered,.. did he think of me at all before he pulled the trigger? Did he know I loved him? It hurts, just knowing he had to have felt so totally alone, and done with life. Please… know that I am praying for you this morning as I share in your grief. I’m so sorry for your loss. Even though it may feel like you are alone, ..you aren’t. Hugs.

    • Thank you so much for the kind words and open heart. I am so sorry for your loss and understand your pain. It’s been a little over a year now and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. Some days are better than others but it never leaves my mind. I just don’t think that we are supposed to experience this. I know that God is good and that He wants me to be happy so I lift my eyes up to Him. Thank you again, this was something that I needed to wake up to today. God bless your kind heart.

      • I agree that God wants us to be happy, but even more, we are the living examples of what He can do. We are the Bible people read. Jesus wept, so being in His image, we can cry too. Freely. When it’s better ..then it’s better, but as you know, we can’t just cease the flow of emotions. I also agree that we aren’t supposed to experience that kind of pain, with someone taking their own lives. I have lost many in my life, my best friends, one died of an anyurism(sp?) one of melanoma cancer, my mom died of cancer, a brother to a motorcycle accident when is was just in his 20’s, and left behind 2 little kids. My baby sister was only 15 when she died in an accident. I lost a baby to crib death. Grandparents that I loved dearly, and through all of those sad painful losses, to lose someone through suicide, is an entirely different pain level that only those that go through it, can ‘get it’. It’s different. Death is pain-filled for those left behind, but this is different. I’m only saying this to free you in all that you are feeling right now, and I already know.. that God will continue to heal you. I am in a much better place today, but have not forgotten the reality. God is using you in a big way through your ministry. Have a blessed day!

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