If you read W3 often then you might know that I have a slight (huge) daddy issue.
I love him. I hate him. I love to hate him. I hate to love him.
I despise that he took his own life. I pity him for taking his own life.
He did things in his lifetime that most people can’t wrap their minds around. He put me in positions that no child should face. Did I mention that I love/hate/love/hate him?
I have a friend that I write back and forth with almost everyday. He has helped me to see a different side to my dads suicide, a side that I was blind to. He told me to write a letter to my dad, tear it up and leave it at his grave. I’m writing the letter. I can’t leave it at his grave, there is no grave. My dads ashes were let go at an old wooden cross somewhere out in west Texas. I thought and thought about my letter.
Since I have free will and get to make the choice to love him or hate him, I chose to love him. We are called to forgive and I believe it is a decision that we have to make daily.
Jesus cried out to his Father while he was nailed to the cross and begged God to forgive the men that but him up there. Who would I be if I did not respect and honor the One who saved me, the one who stands with nail pierced hands telling me to forgive those who have hurt me as my Father in heaven has forgiven me.
I can dwell on the hurt or remember the smiles, today is about the smiles. I chose to show my daughters that there is true unconditional love and even more important, true forgiveness. If I want them to grow up to be loving and forgiving women then I better practice what I preach.
My sweet heavenly Father has never done anything but love me and I want nothing more than to be more like Him and less like me. I have written about my dads mistakes, his screw ups, his addictions, his failures, what he lacked and so much more. Today is not the same. It might just be mindless rambling but heck, don’t we all need that sometimes.
My dad couldn’t love me but I can love him and maybe that’s enough for both of us.
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. ” Mark 11:25
Do you remember the t-shirt that I had in 4th grade? It was blue and in white lettering is read “Daddy’s Girl”. I loved when it was clean and I got to wear it to school. I seriously thought that I was a daddy’s girl when I wore it. It made me proud. It made me feel worthy. I like the thought of everyone around me picturing us together. Thanks for getting me that shirt.
It’s crazy how all of the sudden I can want something back that I haven’t had in over 25 years. I think that I would make a pillow or something out of it if I had it right now. Well, I would have someone else make it for me because I stink at sewing.
Speaking of sewing. Do you remember when I was 9 and I sewed you a heart pillow. It was only the size of a softball but cut me some slack, I had to find some random material and I had no idea how to sew. I made it for you because at school they told us that smoking was bad for you and hurt your heart. I wanted you to stop smoking so badly. I wanted you to be healthy and live forever, so I made the heart pillow to try to convince you to quit. It didn’t work but that’s okay dad, it was your addiction and it had nothing to do with me.I know that you loved the pillow anyways.
When I turned 10 you left a jewelry box on my pillow. When I opened it there was a small gold ring that swirled up to a tiny diamond. I thought that I was the most important girl in the world and in my eyes it was a 3 karat diamond. Thank you for making my first double digit birthday something that I will never forget. The ring is sitting safely in my jewelry box.
Remember Friday pizza nights at our house. All the kids on our street would come over and you would order tons of pizza. You always ordered a special pizza for the girls down the street because they didn’t eat meat on Fridays and the rest of us pigged out on pepperoni. All of those same kids would come over and swim at our house. You would do anything to make us laugh and I have pictures to prove it. Remember how you would pull up your swim suit as high as you could and do that silly walk down the diving board. I acted like I was totally embarrassed but the truth is dad, I thought that it was cool that my friends thought you were so funny.
They always thought it was so cool when you would hand us a $20 bill and let us walk to the gas station and spend it all!. We would come home with tons of junk and that was perfectly fine with you.
Back then you use to call me pookie. I have no idea where you got that nickname and I didn’t care. I loved that you had a nickname for me. I secretly named my favorite stuffed bear the same name because I thought it was so special. Come to think of it, I’m kind of glad you stopped calling me that when I got older, it wouldn’t have gone over well in highschool.
My highschool years were rough on our relationship. I know that you wanted to be the number one man in my life but we had so many bumps and bruises that it became impossible, it’s okay dad, I made it through. The ladies in the office at school knew that you would be showing up everyday around noon to pick me up and take me to lunch. I’m not sure what you were doing all day but at least now I know that everyday around noon you were thinking about me.
I’m ashamed that I didn’t share in the joy when my little brothers and sister were born. I can admit to you now that I was terribly jealous, I wanted you to be my dad.
I know that you saw me dance with Bob that night in the school auditorium. I’m sorry that it hurt you. Bob deserved to be on the stage with me, he earned it but I can’t help but to feel sad for you. You danced with Karla the year before as her stand in dad for the father/daughter dance and for that night you made a little girl feel important and worthy, thank you dad, I’m sure it meant the world to her.
It was so hard for you here on earth. You fought with demons that most of us will never face. They are all gone now, you are safe. You can be the dad in heaven that you couldn’t be down here.
Don’t worry about me, those demons that chased you can see that I now have two Fathers that look down on me from heaven and their attempts at me are worthless.
Dad, dance in heaven, sing with the angels, praise our Father, watch your grandchildren grow up, see what kind of mother and wife I have become, brag about us and tell stories about us. Next time you get to talk to God ask Him to tell you about my forgiveness and love, He knows it better than anyone. He will tell you that I have found a way, through Him, to truly forgive you and to love you again. Rest In Peace Dad.
Your little girl
P.S. See the picture that I posted for you to. It’s my favorite. I know the story about the silver egg that I am holding because mom has told me about it many times. The egg is not why I love the picture. I love it because you are looking at me and you seem happy. I wish that had never been lost for either of us.
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony> Colossians. 3:13