Free Shampoo!

Warning. This post just may be me going off and getting stuff off of my chest because I need to . It may have absolutely no meaning or value to anyone. I really try to make a point with each post but this just isn’t one of them. Humor me.
We stayed at a hotel last week. It was extremely nice and three hours away from our city so we considered it a fairly nice vacation. When we got there we parked our car in the parking garage and hauled our stuff up to the top floor. I was so excited just to be away from work and home duties. The hotel was amazing and I took it all in, from the garage to our door. I slowly put the credit card looking key in the door and the light went from red to green. We were in! When I opened the door I saw the king sized bed, flat screen tv, patio and the bathroom directly to my right as I entered. I took two steps into the room and tears started flooding out of me. I had no control over it. When I turned around my mother was in shock. She put her arms around me and ask what could possible be wrong. I had not been in a hotel room since my father took his life in one 7 months ago. I hadn’t given it a single thought, not from the garage to the door, until I step inside and saw the bathroom. It completely took me over. I was sobbing. I wasn’t crying for him, I was crying for the cleaning lady that walked in to the room and found him that way. I swear God put me in her shoes to show this whole thing to me in another light. I literally felt her when I walked in the room. I slowly turned my head towards the bathroom and pictured my father sitting there. As he was preparing himself for what he was about to do did he give this woman a second thought. Did he think about what this woman was going to have to live with and picture in her head for the rest of her life. It makes me so angry. This poor woman walked in to the room to clean it and now has to live with what he looked like. I have spent months trying to visualize what he looked like in that room. I have gathered every detail that I possibly could so that I could know exactly what that room looked like. This woman will spend the rest of her life trying to get the picture out of her head, the picture that I have been so desperate to see. What the heck is wrong with me!!I I have wanted to go to the hotel and talk to her for a while now but it seems inappropriate. I pray for her. I wonder if she is in therapy or if this is something that happens to them often. I imagine that many people commit suicide in hotels but I have never thought about the people that find them. While we were there I thought about what he did leading up to the moment that he took his life. Did he take a shower? What would be the point right. Did he eat? Again, what would be the point. Did he put the “Do Not Disturb Sign” out? Since he took his life I have struggled with where he is now. There are seven recorded suicides in the bible. The one he relates to the most is Saul. Saul begged his armourbearer to thrust his sword through him but the armourbearer wouldn’t do it out of fear. So what did Saul do in his desperation, he fell on his own sword. He did it right in front of his faithful armourbearer. Talk about a jerk! I guess in Saul’s defense he was being sought after to be killed and his three sons had been killed that same day. Still, Saul was desperate. He didn’t think about the affect that his suicide would have on his faithful armourbearer. His armourbearer was so distraught that he too killed himself. Two suicides in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t crazy about Saul to begin with but now I really hate him. Saul should have faced the things that he brought on himself, the things that he created. My father couldn’t face the things that he brought on himself and he did not think of the effects that his suicide was going to have on the ones that he left behind. Did he think about his little girl? Not me, I know that he didn’t think about me. Did he think about my little sister. Did he think about my little brothers? Did he think about that poor woman working her tail off to make ends meet and what would happen to her when she walked in to that room and had to face what he had done? Ok, I’m going off here but I’m just now getting fired up so brace yourself. I know that someone who takes their own life has to be in a place that I will never understand. I do have sympathy and compassion for people who suffer from depression or any other disease that might lead them to such an act. For some reason it is easier for me to have compassion for everyone else and hard to have it for my father. I wish that my father knew that what he did was going to effect me simply walking in to a hotel room. Some days I just want to punch him in the face, hard! Some days I want to snuggle up to him and show him that there really is someone who loves him. Today I want to do both. Yes, both. I want him to know that I love him and that I hate him at the same time. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever wanted to spit on someone and kiss them at the same time. I have and my dad isn’t the only one that I have felt this way about. I have heard people say over and over “it’s never too late” but guess what…they are wrong. WRONG! It can be too late. Trust me on this one. The day that my brother called to let me know that my father took his life is the day that I learned that there is a “too late”. Do not let “too late” pass you by. Do not miss a chance to forgive, love, show grace, show mercy and move on. What is it going to do to you to show someone that has hurt you a little mercy and forgiveness? I can tell you what its going to do, its going to free you. Don’t miss out on that. Don’t let “never too late” become your “too late”. Lets pray ” Merciful Father heal our hearts from the hurts that we have faced so that we can find forgiveness for others and ourselves. Remind us that one day You will take the ones we love to love in Your kingdom and even though we will be with them again someday, our hearts will still hurt for them here on earth. Please help us to make our “never too lates” not turn in to “too lates”. In Jesus name, amen”. While I was in that hotel I slept like a baby and the “free” shampoo, conditioner, sewing set and shower cap that found their way in to my luggage helped ease the hurt of father.

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