I’ll warn you before you go any further that this post might be a little too much for some. If you are easily offended or grossed out then you might want to go back to something more cheery this morning, today is not that kind of day for W3. I have refrained from posting this because I didn’t want to turn anyone away but being open and transparent in an effort to touch someone who might be in the same position but to afraid to talk about it is the main reason W3 was started. You’ve been warned.
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
Over the past few weeks I have been emailing back and forth with two women that I have know almost all of my life. Ironically we all lost our fathers within the past year. There stories are similar, mine is very different. One of my friends is the women who wrote the post about her daughter seeing six angels when her father past. She, her husband, her daughter and her mother were all there by his bedside when he passed. Before he passed all he said was her mothers name over and over. That had to be tough to listen to but also music to her mothers ears. After he passed her mother climbed into bed with her father and rocked him. I think that had to be an amazing blessing for her. I’m sure that it was heart wrenching to see her mother doing this with her father but at the same time it probably brought her much needed peace. The fact that her daughter watched the angels come take him is a gift that goes beyond our understanding. My other friend was at her fathers bedside for weeks leading up to his death. He had been paralyzed for 30 years so in reality she had seen him through so much up to this point. She sat patiently by his side waiting to hear him talk. She just wanted a single word. She never got it. In an email to my friend who had the angels come get her dad I confessed to her that I was jealous of her experience with her dad dying. It was a very hard thing for me to tell her. I didn’t want her to feel guilty about her amazing experience with her father. My other friend emailed me and told me that her uncle was sick but had managed to say some words to his family today. She asked me if she was allowed to be jealous of her cousins who got to hear there dads voice when she so vigilantly sat by her dad waiting for a word and never got it. I was so thankful that God had put both of these women in my life at this moment so that I could understand why my friend felt jealous over someone else experience in sickness just like I was feeling jealousy for my other friend. Turns out I’m normal. Does all of this even make sense or am I just rambling? I was so jealous that both of these women got to be by their father when he passed. My dad was alone in a hotel room when he died. I don’t know if angels came to get him. I didn’t get to hold his hand. I didn’t get to see if there was peace in his face once he passed. I feel cheated. I needed to know every detail that surrounded him. My brother did not want to know a single thing about it. I needed to know what he hung himself with down to the color of the noose. I needed to know what was sitting on the bed, what was on the bathroom counter, was the tv on or off, was the bed made, what was he wearing, did he have shoes on, the list of crazy things in my head went on and on. I slowly started getting pieces of the puzzle that I was so desperate to put together. When I found out that the toxicology report had come back I needed to get it right away. I knew that my oldest brother would not go get it and my other siblings were minors so I would be alone in this. I “bravely” went to the medical examiners and pick up the results and then went and sat in my car, alone, and opened them up. They had accidentally given me his autopsy. I was alone in my car in a parking lot reading about how they took my father apart and documented every detail about him from how much his brain weighed to the contents of his stomach. The thing in the papers that hit me the hardest is that they wrote that my dads tongue was dried out. This haunts me. I told my friend that I hadn’t told anyone about this and how much it bothered me because I really didn’t want to hear what anyone thought about my obsession with it. But here it is, every single day since I read those papers I have had a very strong needed to put water on his tongue for him. Why? Why after reading everything in those papers and what he did to himself do I feel so compelled to put water on his tongue for him. It’s the same need that my friend had in wanting to hear her dads voice. Its the same need that my other friend had to want her father to just hang on a little longer. My friend told me that my need to put water on my dads tongue shows that I have compassion and that despite all that I had gone through with him I still had love for him. I thought that I hated him. I don’t. I know that God had mercy on him for what he did because he was not in the right state of mind. I think that God gave my dad a glass of water when he reached heavens gate so that his thirst could be quenched. Not the thirst that dried out his tongue but the thirst for a better life, for the demons to stop talking to him, for the ability to be a good father, the thirst to watch his grandchildren grow up, to have a conscious, to have a life. God brings us to Him in so many different ways and we will never understand or probably agree with the way that he takes our loved ones but there is a reason behind it. I’m learning the reasons behind why my dad left the way that he did. I’m learning to turn it into a blessing. I learning to get over it and get on with it. I will say that I would give anything just to tell him that I forgive him and that I do not hate him. I say it to him in my daily prayers and I just hope that God lets him hear me. There is no good reason to hold on to hate, hold on to the past, hold on to bitterness or anger. Forgive now why you can. Make amends now while you can. Move on from mistakes now while you can. Make peace with someone now while you can. Pray now while you can. Give your life to Christ now while you can. Let go of fear now while you can. Love your enemy now while you can. Don’t wake up one morning desperate to water their tongue. Lets pray “Merciful Father help me to let go of the past, pray for the future and live in the moment. Show me where I need to improve myself and where I need to improve my relationships with others. Help me to forgive and forget. In Jesus name, amen.” I know that some people in my life might be a little taken back that I would put this out there the way that I do and that’s okay, its not for everyone. I have a true fire that burns inside of me to help others with things that they feel alone in and fell like no one can relate. It may not be me that you relate to and that’s okay. The more we open up and put ourselves out there the more we can help each other. We are all flawed. We all have demons. We all have strange things that go through our head during the day. We all have sinned and fallen short of Gods glory. Its okay, you are not alone, ever, I promise. Pray, call out to God, call a friend, write me but know that you are not alone.