The Ring

When I was in high school I some how convinced the most amazing boy in our school to be my boyfriend. I wasn’t exactly one of the pretty girls in our school and I certainly wasn’t one of the smart ones. I have no idea what this wonderful boy saw in me but I wasn’t about to tell him that i wasn’t good enough for him. He was older than I was, was in the top spot in our state in the sport he played and he was super smart. He was also one of the sweetest boys that I had ever met. Did I mention how handsome he was? Again, I still have no idea why he dated me. There was a small concern with the fact that he was one of my brothers friends and my brother wasn’t thrilled. One night around Christmas we were standing on my doorstep and he told me that he didn’t care how anyone else felt about it, he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Then he gave me a small silver James Avery ring with a heart and two flowers on it. I was head over heels. I still have that ring sitting in my jewelry box, it probably only fits on my pinky toe but I still have it. My oldest daughter has asked if she can have it and was met with a “not on your life” response. That little ring reminds me that even when I thought that I was completely unlovable, not worth anything, not as pretty as the other girls, not as smart as the other girls and definitely not deserving of a good man to love me, there was someone who saw through all of that. I don’t know what he saw but there was something. I’m still kind of looking for it. Sometimes I still don’t know what make me worthy of anyone’s love. Two months after I got the ring, this same boy put a rose on each one of my desks, in each class that I had on Valentines Days. After my 6th class I had 6 roses and went to my locker to put them up. This sweet boy came down the stairs next to my locker and was holding 6 more roses to complete the dozen. As I was standing there in awe, I opened my locker to find that he had put a stuffed animal tiger (my favorite) and it had on his letterman jacket. I know, a little mushy but at the age of 15 it was the most thoughtful thing that anyone had ever done for me. He walked me to my last class and told me that he loved me for the first time. This was the first time in my life that I believed it when a man told me that he loved me, well except for my brother but he was obligated. It was the first time that I felt some sort of worth to someone. I didn’t know why he loved me and at that point I wasn’t about to ask and ruin it. He was my first love and my boyfriend for a long time after that. Of course just like I always screwed everything up back then, I managed to screw that relationship up and eventually hurt the only person that had valued me. I knew that he could do better than me and I knew that he would eventually realize this so I sabotaged the relationship. Because he is a good , forgiving and loving man, he is still my friend today and was one of the few people that had the right words for me when my father took his life. I am grateful. I did the same thing to my relationship with God. At the age of 20 I gave my life to Christ. He had proved to me that He loved me and He put a value on me that could not be matched. His love was so apparent in my life that I could see Him sitting in the car next to me while I was driving down the highway. I remember that once on one of those drives He took my hand and told me that He didn’t care what anyone else thought about it, He wanted to be my Father. He didn’t care what other people thought about me. He wanted me to know that despite all the things that I had been through, all the things that I had done and had yet to do, He loved me and would never stop loving me. I let go of His hand. I thought that I could handle it on my own. I didn’t think that I was worthy of His love. He must not really know me because if He did He would be disgusted. I turned my back and did what I could to ruin the relationship. I knew that He could do better than me and I knew that He would eventually realize this so I sabotaged the relationship. It’s the one thing that I knew how to do well. I went on for another 10 years before I stopped to see if He was in the car with me again. He had never left. He was still my Father after what I had done to Him and He had never left. Do you struggle with self worth? I do, every single day. Do you think that you can’t be loved because of who you are, who you’ve been or who you might become? I do, every single day. God loves you for reasons you may not be able to understand. He is waiting to give you a little silver ring with a heart and two flowers on it to show you that you are worth everything to Him.There is no reason to question His love, just accept that it is a gift to you and you will never be good enough for it, can never earn it or know the full extent of what kind of love is. Take His hand, accept that little ring, smell your dozen roses, wear His letter jacket, snuggle with the little stuffed tiger and stop question why you have it. Lets pray “Father help us to accept that we are loved not for who we are but for what You have done, not for what we have done but for who You are. Remove the scales from our eyes and let us see our true worth and the worth of those around us. When we are feeling lonely and running low on self worth remind us that you are sitting in the seat next to us and let us reach for Your hand.” My husband is the love of my life, my soul mate, my air, my water, my life and I would be incomplete without him. I want for nothing. He tells me everyday how much I am worth to him and our daughters. He tells me that I am beautiful and sometimes I even believe him ;). There will always be a special place in my heart for that sweet 17 year old young man that made me feel like I meant something when I was 15. There is a ring sitting safely in my jewelry box to remind me that someone sees in me what I couldn’t see in myself.

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