I’m A Gypsy

I lived in 17 houses before I graduated from highschool. That’s a house a year ,but that’s not necessarily how it went. We once lived in a house for almost 2 years! Nope, I’m not a gypsy, I think that my dad was just always on the run. In one of those houses, a rental of course, my brother and I got sent to our rooms. He proceeded to drill two holes in the wall between my room and his so that we could see each other and talk. I have no idea why he had a drill in his room when he was in 8th grade but he did. When I put my eyes up to the holes, he blew threw them causing all of the sheet rock to go straight into my eyes. It burned. It hurt. It was humiliating. What a moron I was. He eventually graduated to cutting out a hole big enough for us to crawl through in our closets so that we could sneak into each others rooms when we got to sent to our rooms. Smart guy some would say. What a jerk some would say. I say he was/is the coolest brother EVER!. This is the same brother that quietly gave me the most beautiful diamond earrings for my 30th birthday. Same brother who picked me and my daughter up from the hospital three days after she was born and drove us home. Same brother that carried me all the way home when I fell on my bike and tore up my leg. Same brother who beat up a kid in the third grade for calling me a bad name. Same brother who demanded a ride home in the middle of the night from Austin (a neighboring city) because I had gone into labor with his first niece. Same brother that let me move in with him and his wife when I broke up with my boyfriend and took me to the store to buy me new sheets and pillows so that I would be comfortable. Same brother that I hid behind while we hid in his room and he pointed a gun at my dad from far away and told me that if my dad touch my mom that he was going to shoot. This is also the same brother that had to make a call to me and break the news that our father had just taken his own life. I remember that he had actually called our father “dad” when he made that call, something he had not done in years. I was crying uncontrollably and panicking like I have never done before and he he kept saying “ok, calm down, I know, I know but you have to calm down”. I can not imagine how hard that call was for him to make and I am so sad for him that he was left with that responsibility. The next day He and I had to sign our father out of the morgue. He had to actually sign the papers because he was next of kin, he is the oldest sibling. He has been responsible for protecting me since I was born. My mom said that when I would cry as an infant, he would always know exactly what I needed and he called me “my baby”. Can you imagine what it took for him to call me the day my dad died. I cant. Did he pick up the phone immediately after finding out or did he sit for a minute and think about what he was going to say. He is married to my best friends. Did he turn to her and ask what he was supposed to say. When we were about to get off the phone that night we had agreed that he would call my dads twin brother to let him know and I would call my mom to let her know. All I wanted was for us to be able to be the kids for once and for my dad to be the dad. It was never going to happen. Neither of us had spoken to my dad in several years prior to his death. I had sent my dad an email about 4 months before he took his life. I told him that I forgave him and I begged him to do right by my younger siblings. He replied with a simple “thank you for the forgiveness”. I never heard from him again. Do you need to forgive someone? I do. I don’t want to but I need to. One day it will be too late, trust me on this one. There’s a verse that really, well, pisses me off. Read it. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. ” Mathew 6:14-15. I have to admit its my least favorite. I mean, what if I don’t want to forgive her? What! You wont forgive me? But my sins aren’t as bad as hers!! Come on, I’m a way more faithful christian than her. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter who I think I am or how much better I think I am or if I think she deserves to be forgiven or not. I am required by God to forgive so I better learn how. I will never, ever, ever get another chance to tell my dad that I forgive him for what we experienced growing up. I will also never get a chance to tell him that I really did love him. Don’t let it pass you by. What are you holding on to? Who do you need to forgive? Do it today. Don’t take it lightly, I don’t. I cant. I do not have any leeway for interpretation when it comes to the dreaded Mathew 6:14 verse. Lets pray “Sweet sweet Father please forgive me for any bitterness and unforgiveness that I am holding in my heart. Help me to see the areas in my life that I need help and remind me to cry out to You and You only. In Jesus name, Amen.” With all that rescuing and love that my brother gave to me I have to tell you that there was this one time when he tried to drown me. True story. I’ll save it for later.

2 thoughts on “I’m A Gypsy

  1. I know I should forgive my father but I just can’t seem to. I think I have a hard time understanding the difference between forgiving, accepting, and letting go. No matter what I want nothing to do with my father. When he says anything hurtful to my sisters even now it just adds more fuel to my dislike of him. In his mind he has done no wrong so how do I forgive him? I know I am only hurting myself and those around me that have to bear my feelings/moods from it. Maybe it would be something if he was remorseful or something but he isn’t.

  2. Stephanie, I understand. My father never admitted fault,never asked for forgiveness, never apologized. I did not have a relationship with him and disapproved of him until the day he took his life. Forgiving him freed me, not him

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